I should have remembered, you know.
College was hell. I was in a major (Computer Science) where every semester, I had to withdraw from a class to avoid getting a D. The only contact I had with flesh and blood people came in the form of my classmates and teachers… during class. All my friends who had managed to get into the university along with me had dropped out, flunked out, faded away by then. I was the only survivor, and it was on a show where you don’t get a million dollars for eating dead rats.
In my room I had broadband internet. I had my friends online. But since I had no friends in reality, except on the weekends (which were a lifesaver, believe me, thanks Josh and Jen and Julio) having friends online wasn’t enough to cover the gaps. I had broadband, I had my TV which picked up three channels on a good day… and I had my VCR, and a rental store within spitting distance. And that’s what spackled up the rest of the gaps.
Because when I came back to that room and I’d had a lousy day, what did I do? I didn’t frantically load web pages and frantically write and try to be productive, try to make something out of the day like I do lately. No. I went out, and I rented a movie. I loaded it up, I sat down too close to the screen, and I watched that movie beginning to end.
You know what? It didn’t matter what the movie was, Citizen Kane or Hellraiser. For two hours I got away. I got some magic in my life. If it was bad, I could laugh at it. If it felt good, even moderately good, I felt good. The movie stopped, I turned it off, and whatever the hell was bothering me before didn’t feel like it was so huge. Not after experiencing another world, not after feeling a work of art from start to finish. Sometimes, even if it was two in the morning against all safety and caution, I’d head outside for a cold breath of fresh campus air, to reflect on it. Just… pause. Don’t launch into anything else, don’t get busy, just pause and take it all in. Think about it. Remember it.
Tonight, and yesterday, I came home from a bad, boring, frustrating day at work to find out that my ‘only bright spot for weeks to come’, Dance Dance Revolution, was not going to be mine. Maybe it sounds silly that a game delay would upset me, but at that point, I was waiting and hoping so hard that it would pull me out of my funk that everything crashed when Konami screwed the pooch. Today I cancelled my weekly RPG session — I knew I wouldn’t be in the mood for it. No way.
If you read the last update, you know I grabbed B4U, and that helped. I felt that magic, the DDR magic that I was hoping to catch on a playstation disk. Maybe it wasn’t the same but it was a good appetizer. But still, I was only content… and as I’ve detailed before, content is not the same thing. I was prepared to go to bed ‘content’, face a boring and pointless day tomorrow, and carry on until something good happened to me.
I’m about to get to the relevant bit.
My mom had rented the movie ‘Almost Famous’ a few days ago on VHS, but I didn’t have time to watch it and we had to take it back. Today she managed to find a rental of it on DVD. It’s midnight, I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like anything. I’m content and content isn’t good. On a whim, I decide I can kill two hours so I wake up at a reasonably late hour if I watch this movie.
…I can’t describe it, except to say that I already describe it above. It’s that feeling, when I was in hell/college and had nothing going right, and I forced myself to sit still and not be constantly busy and WATCH A MOVIE. And I watched ‘Almost Famous’. And I fell into it. When it was over, I watched through the credits, and decided to post about it. Because now I’m not content. I’m happy.
Maybe it won’t last awhile, hey, it never does, but it’s a good moment. I wish I could go outside and get that breath of fresh campus air, but this is the burbs and people don’t leave their houses at night. Plus, it’d wake up mom and dad. But I’m getting that air in spirit. Maybe this journal post is that air.
I considered setting this one ‘Friends Only’ like I do most personal writing, but hell, I feel like sharing with the world. If you’re having a shitty day, man, don’t break your neck trying to find a way to redeem yourself. Don’t assume you have to make something of the day before it ends. Do the unproductive thing, do the lazy thing. Just… sit back with a movie. Let yourself go. Let it all go and enjoy. The problems won’t go away, but you’ll have a whole new perspective.
Thanks for reading. I’ll attack Sailor Nothing this weekend. I’d do it tonight, but I don’t wanna break this peace with angstaholic writing. That’s the only drawback to it, you know; otherwise, SN is great for me. But I think my next project will be a happy, upbeat one, for a change of pace. ^_^