Second weekend in a row when my sumo was insufficent.
(I was watching ESPN 2 one night and they had a sumo wrestling show on. One guy lost and a commentator said in serious, explanative tones, ‘His sumo was insufficent’. I always liked that phrase. It nicely wraps up an emotion of failure and inadequacy.)
I played some games, hung out… did very little. Thought about my writing. Watched television. Watched the movie ‘Traffic’. And generally still felt as depressed and uninterested in things as I did last weekend.
It’s weird; I tend to feel very detached from things when I’m not busybusy with something or another, or around other people. I tended to spaz a lot at college because of this, when I was pretty much just holed up in my room when I wasn’t going to classes. Endless free time, while useful, can also be very strange and alien. I’ve had that same feeling this weekend. Like I wasn’t doing what I should be, or what I was doing I wasn’t very interested in, or… I don’t know. It’s very strange.
There are times when I wonder how much of this sort of thing is some clinical sort of depression and what’s just ordinary angst (in the classic, woody allen / german philosopher sense of the word rather than the morrisey sense). I’ve never gone for therapy or consulting or anything of that sort because I always figured I just had to deal with it, whatever it was, even when I wasn’t too sure what ‘it’ was. Plus there’s the hassle of finding, scheduling, travelling, paying, and then hiding that sort of thing from my rumor-mill driven family tree. And in the end I was and still am never sure what’s just the perils of modern living and what’s a genuine issue. I’d feel very silly if I started tossing around five syllable psychology terms and playing the victim and then finding out that it’s nothing others don’t have to cope with in everyday life.
So… I don’t know. I’ve been considering an action/comedy writing project. Maybe that’ll help my mood. But I don’t want to think too hard about it before I finish Sailor Nothing. Not that I feel ready to continue SN yet.
Can’t think of anything else to write, maybe later.