Because he refuses to give me enough time to do the things I want to do.
I am just gonna f’in RANT, so I figured I’d LJ-CUT to save you the grief. Not much has changed in my life lately and Dad’s going in for his procedure today and there’s no new UE so move along if you don’t want a rant.
A response below suggested I not schedule my fun, because scheduled fun feels like work. And I agree wholeheartedly. It’s the ideal I’d like to strive for, for exactly the reasons cited. The problem is that I have no choice BUT to schedule my fun — and even then the scheduling breaks down to render the fun null and void.
Check this. Every weekday I wake up at 7:00am, hurry through the morning routine and arrive at work at 8:10-8:25, sneak out of work around 4:00pm, drive home and eat and shower which can take me to any time from 5:30 to 6:00, THEN I can sit down and do things until midnight. So, we’re talking six hours to myself.
In those six hours, two days a week I have WWF with my friends. And I’m thankful for my friends and I’m happy to see them, but it does mean taking about three hours out of those six, which effectively renders the evening null and void.
(Or like last night, four hours out of the six, since I was watching AMVs — which I’ll need to re-screen later for the folks who didn’t make it last night. This weekend is a movie party and a PPV so I don’t think that I can resched it for anytime soon…)
Why does this basically dump the whole evening when only three hours were used? Because it’s the three hours near the END. The most productive ones when people are actually up and RPing on MUCKs, or when I’m feeling my most creative. The three hours beforehand, nobody is online — and the time after midnight I have to sleep. I live on the east coast and they’re all college students while I’m a 8-4 workaday stiff who has to go to bed early. This screws more over more times than you can think. And the three hours beforehand, it’s nigh impossible to get the urge to be creative, since I’m winding down from a day of work.
So basically I get three weekdays in which I have maybe three hours of ‘prime’ time in which I can interact with others socially online or get some project work done. (This isn’t even taking into account the crisis of “Well, do I play with my friends, or do I write and be creative?” when deciding how to spend those three hours. That’s a whole other topic…) On the weekends I have much more flexibility, since I can actually stay up later than midnight and play video games during the day or other fun, although my Saturdays are usually movie parties. (Saturday latenights I have to myself, though, and they’re prime hours. If I can stay awake.)
And this is assuming that anybody will be THERE and happy to play during those prime hours, or that my creative impetus will be with me during those prime hours. Because half the time, it’s not happening. People I know can’t play yet or can’t play until later which means I jam in some frantic RP trying to get SOMETHING done and invariably am cut off before I feel I got my money/time’s worth. Or, I sit there staring at a blank Dreamweaver trying to write and being unable to and ending up just playing Pac-Man or something because I’m just not in the mood to be creative. Evening down the toilet. Even worse are the times when I decide to be creative, fail, and hear about all the fun my friends had online that night, which I COULD have been doing if I hadn’t decided to make an attempt on my projects…
In the end? Not enough time. And it pisses me off in a way that mere urinary references cannot describe. It makes me want to break things, or at the very least, listen to Limp Bizkit. And nobody wants that.
This is one of the reasons why I retired from active RP a few months back — because it’s such a huge time investment with such a questionable return. Lately I’ve been having a lot of fun with it… WHEN it works. It’s like heroin, you’re always looking for the ideal high, even if you get squat just as often as you get a thrill. Writing is the same way, more often than not it goes poof and doesn’t work, but when it DOES work, it’s terrific. Assuming you survive the frustrating, harrowing nightmare of trying to get it to work.
One of these days I’m going to hunt down Father Time and give him the Gule Gule treatment. (obscure sick joke) Or maybe I’ll figure out a way to, you know, not sleep. I don’t know. Move to the west coast where the time zone gives me a leg up, get a new job which has less morning hours — neither is really feasible. I don’t think there’s anything I can do except let go of my hobbies which are so time dependent (parties, RPing, writing)… and I’m not sure I’m willing to do that, since without them, I’ve got nothing to do except play wai video games. So, basically, I’m fuxx0red.