Sturdy, strong and reasonably fast, the basic model consists of a solid plastic handle and flat combination. It's perfect for ordinary day-to-day spatula needs at ordinary cooking temperatures. SPECIAL PRICE : 2 for $1.00!
THE SPEEDSPAT 1000 Designer : Twoflower
For those of you with short tempers and low patience, this is the spatula for you! Flat glossed over with a revolutionary new form of temporal-release grease that never rubs off, this spatula can pick up and turn over five pancakes in 2.3 seconds TOPS! The gripper handle is designed with small rocket boosters to provide that extra OOMPH your recipe needs. Flame-resistant gloves sold separately. PRICE : $7.99
HEFTY MON SPATULA Designer : Twoflower
Ever want to make a pancake with a radius of 2 feet? Now you can! This large-model can accomodate Godzilla sized flapjacks and pizzas for an entire family. Weighing in at 20 pounds, you'd better work out to be worthy of the HEFTY MON spatula! PRICE : $13.99
UKYOU SPECIAL Designer : Ukyou Kuonji
It's cooking. It's fighting. It's cooking AND fighting. This four foot long spatula has an extra wide Hefty Mon style flat of stainless steel, just the right thing for flipping okonomyaki or pounding the tar out of unsuspecting restaurant critics. The long handle with yellow rib-grips and handy hanging peghole provides a two-handed bar for accurate swings and flips. A must for speed-cookers or self defense experts! PRICE : $24.99
"I use mine all the time!" - Ukyou
FIVE SPATULAS OF FURY Designer : Twoflower
Used for generations by the Nine Ninja Chefs of ancient japan (before they went commercial and started selling NNC Cars), these solid metal throwing spatulas are perfect for all your penetrational/burger inversion needs. Each is crafted out of a sheet of metal folded 3,526,735 times by mystic monks until they have honed the perfect flatedged blade. Careful where you grip it! PRICE : $49.95 for a set of five
THE BFS-9000 Designer : Twoflower
Look out, demonic hordes! Your local space marine is back on Mars and he's got the ultimate weapon : The Big F**kin' Spatula 9000! Equipped with an electrified flat and dual shotgun nozzles, this gun has a reloading time of .3 seconds; faster than any other scatter gun, WITH automatic loading! Additional features include a switch to change it from single shot to 'Street Sweeper' mode and optional grenade launcher. Buy one and go splatter some unearthly hide! PRICE : $299.99 and a weapons permit.
THE TRAFFIC SMASHIN' SPATULA Designer : Mike Finn
Recent innovations in Spatula technology have led to the development of the Traffic Smashin' Spatula. This new and improved titanium coated Spatula mounts to the front of your car with our own special swing motors to guarantee that the next car pancake you find yourself stuck behind will be the last.... Hurry and order yours now for the special low price of $1999.99, and for a limited time installation is free. As usuall all our Spatulas are guaranteed not to rust, bust, break down, or fuss. (Note: Special mounts available upon request for your customized car.)
THE USS SPATULA Designer : Twoflower
Space... the final fronteir. Who's gonna cater it? YOU are, in your brand new warp-capable USS Spatula. Complete with staffed galley and easy Dock-Thru window, you can offer any number of foodstuffs to the hungry patrons of all galaxies. Replicators make ingredient purchasing easier; one battery can produce SO many things! Comes with onboard computer, the HAL9000, to navigate and disconnect life support on chefs who threaten to unionize. SPECIAL PRICE : $999,999.95. (%10 off!)
MOM'S SPATULA Designer : Pardo
The ol' standby spatula: square flat metal head riveted to a flat metal handle, with a two-part painted wooden insulating grip. People from the Vermont Old Furniture botiques buy these by the truckload to add an authentic touch. Matches perfectly with period pieces like cast-iron frypans, hank-crank grain mills, and wood-burning blenders. Made in America with old-fasioned quality construction and authentic modern materials: heavy-duty brushed aerospace-grade stainless steel and non-lead non-toxic UL-approved paint on specially-dried authentic rustic New England pine. PRICE: $17.89
LE' CREPE SPATULETTE Designer : Pardo
For delicate French crepe dishes, extra-delicate sauted mushrooms in wine and mustard, and fluffy flamboyant omlettes that need a special touch to get them out of the pan. This diminutive and razor-thin spatula is used by fine chefs in fine restarauts all over the fine world. Amaze your guests with your fine cooking and with your secret cooking ingredient, the Le' Crepe Spatulette. Diminutive in size and micro-thin, it's nevertheless professional quality and ruggedness. Made with high-strength super-spring steel rolled to exacting tolerances with over 500,000 pounds of force and now available for home use for the first time. Each one made to order. PRICE: $116.95 plus air-drop from France.
THE 12GUAGE SPATULA ATTACHMENT Designer : Patrick Amato
This fine spaluta is great for first time cooks and single people everywhere. The design is quite simple really; a sawed off 12-gauge shotgun is fastend to the bottom of your standard Spatula City spatula. This way, if food gets hard to handle : BLAST IT. If guests complain about the food: BLAST 'EM. Dog barks to much: BLAST IT. Neighbors sick of smoke coming from your house: BLAST 'EM. As you can see, this versitile cooking attachment can aid in any cooking situtation. PRICE : $71.71 for the 12guage spatula attachemnt, $109.9 for the complete angry mans set. (ginsu knives included)
THE SWISS ARMY SPATULA Designer : Dan "Raisin" Eisenhauer
No kitchen would be complete without the all-purpose, portable Swiss Army Spatula. This ultra-efficient model contains every necessary tool for pancake preparation and serving, such as miniature syrup and butter dispensers, a fold-out knife and fork, and of course, the spatula itself. In the case of an emergency pancake dinner, the on-board skillet and propane tank will literally save your bacon. At only $7.99, any Boy Scout can afford that prestigious Pancake Merit Badge.
THE VS-1 VALKYRIE SPATULA Designer : Philip Moyer
For the pilot among us, this spatula is perfect for those times when you simply MUST deal with 50+ ft robots. The VS-1 is a multi-mission transformable strike spatula that can transform into three forms: Jet Spatula, Gerwalk Spatula, and Battroid Spatula. It carries a GU-SS Spatula gunpod (capable of launching 150 depleted uranium spatulas a second), four ion cannons (to get your food or the enemy a nice toasty brown), and is able to carry over 40,000 pounds of food missiles on the wing hardpoints. The Battroid Spatula also carries a variant of the UKYOU SPECIAL that's crafted out of folded titanium, just perfect for smashing enemy Mecha into the nearest asteroid (or the asteroid into the nearest mecha). PRICE: $30,000,000.99 per unit. (Special bulk price of $15,000,000.99 per unit in case of Zentradei Invasion. Please include proof of invasion with order.)
THE SXS STEALTH SPATULA Designer : Matthew Kramer
Developed over a 7 year period at the International House of Pancakes secret proving grounds at Breakfast Ridge, Nevada, the SXS Stealth Spatula is on the cutting edge of food preperation technology. Angular surfaces reflect grease and enemy radar, providing the SXS with an almost total nonstick functionality. The radar cross-section is reported to be less than that of a turkey baster. We decline to speculate on the truthfulness of such an incredible asserrtion, however, because it remains to be seen.
THE REALTIME SPATULA Designer : Heather Beguin
UPGRADE to the most affordable high-performance kitchen suite available. For the accomplished pancake professional, introducing the first REALTIME spatula. No interruptions in flipping rates caused by thermal recalibration. Uninterupted coordination of predicted failure analysis. Featuring a maximum sustainable food trasfer rate of 27MB per secound. Fast seek time, less that 6ms, with instant random foodstuff access. Open arcitecture operating system includes true multitasking with full drag and drop capabilites, along with programmable plug-ins for the gormet. Slick graphical user interface with 3 button programable, cordless, heat-resistent handle. This spatula is complient with IEEE POSIX 1003.1, UNIX System V R3, X11R5 Window System, Motif Window Manager, Kitchenaid, and uses the Secure Socket Layer interface. PRICE: $14,900 for 30sec capacity, upgradable to 60 seconds.
ACADEMI-SPATULA MARK II Designer : E. Sean L. Rintel
Gone are the days when a spatula is a mere food-handling/counter-insurgence device! A Spatula to Aid you in times of University Trouble - The Academi-Spatula! Just been hit with A Four Hour Advanced Cultural Studies Lecture on the Post-Modernist Aesthetic? Use the Academi-spatula to scape up the remains of your brains plastered to the wall! Thesis due tomorrow and you just erased the WHOLE DAMN THING? The Academi-spatula is there to remove the unsightly mess that now stains your pants! Just yelled something offensive to a Lecturer? With LIGHTNING SPEED and UNCANNY GRIPPING ABILITY the Academi-spatula can actually REMOVE THOSE WORDS FROM THE EARDRUM the instant they hit, but the micro-second BEFORE they begin to resonate!!!! YES, IT'S TRUE, and it can be YOURS for ONLY $49.95 and a G.I. Joe Lunchbox without the dinky little drink bottle!!!!!!
SPATULUS OF BORG Designer : Andrew C. Eppstein / Tim Nolan
Pancakes are irrelevant. Burgers are irrelevant. Resistance is futile--you can't pass up this great deal! Spatulus sports a red laser on its handle and contains in its memory all the recipes of the United Federation of Planets. Warning: Do not place near other kitchen utensils, as it will assimilate them. Price: Money is irrelevant.
JEEVES' SPATULA Designer : Dr. Otto Andersen
(Brought to you by Dr. Guz)
Feeling insecure? Need a fix of something, but you're not sure exactly what? Perhaps you crave Jeeves' Spatula. It's nothing to be ashamed of; hundreds of people have found themselves afflicted with Jeeves' Syndrome. Our special Jeeves' model spatula gives you deep satisfaction all day long. Bring it to school or work. Bring it to the picture show, or a baseball game (they really like that). No other spatula on the market can bring peace of mind to poor, nerve-wracked souls such as yourself. Only $19.14, belt clip included. (NOTE: Jeeves' spatula is not suitable for kitchen use; keep away from extreme heat.)
It Slices! It Dices! It even Flips Flapjacks! It's the new, improved SPAT-O-MATIC by Popeil. Developed for the French Foreign Legion, Popeil's SPAT-O-MATIC is a powerful, multitasking kitchen-in-a-spatula. Its unique, switchblade design opens the self cleaning, surgical steel spatula with just one press of the button. Select the detachable KF&S device, and you have a 3 in 1 personal consumptive device capable of cutting, spearing, and delivering solid and liquid food to your waiting mouth. But there's more. Engage the additional HAT module(included in this offer), and this little dynamo attaches to the back of your cap for today's high tech Legionnaire look. And, when its time to say Good Night, this amazing device folds up to fit right into your pocket. You must act now. This offer is for a limited time only. PRICE: 19.95 plus S$H (New Jersey residents, add 6% sales tax).
Designed especially for parents, the Purple Wonder comes in the shape of a cuddly dinosaur you hold by the tail. Two cute for words, the Purple Wonder is not a normal kitchen spatula. It was designed expressly to pry small children away from the TV set (especially non-Public Broadcasting shows), but has the added benefit that its mere presence will usually repel older children, allowing you to motivate them in any direction you like. PRICE: $24.99 plus 2.7% of your gross pre-tax post-trib denturated income per month in voluntary royalties, payable via IRS From 1040-ILUVU.
TMI-3 FISSION REACTOR/SPATULA Designer : Pete Butler
Newly approved by the Department of Nuclear Energy! Any wimpy spatula
can FLIP food -- the TMI-3 helps you cook it, too! Harness the power of
the atom and watch burgers go from raw to well-done in a matter of seconds!
Makes all other spatulas obsolete -- hell, it even makes your STOVE obsolete!
Whether your looking to save on energy bills or just looking for the ultimate
in "novelty" kitchenware, the TMI-3 is the spatula for you!
WARNING: Use of this product may cause mild baldness and/or sterility. Food
prepared with this product should not be taken internally. For further
precautions/operational specifications, contact your regional Hazardous Waste
REMINDER: Use of the fissionable material in this product for other nuclear devices is a federal offense.
PRICE: $1499.95, includes set of 12 replacement control rods.
THE SKULD SPATULA (with optional Ido attachment) Designer : HiPaladin
Tired of those pesky bugs popping out of the fabric of Space/Time while cooking? Try the Skuld Spatula. Featuring an extendable/retractable handle, and special computer guidance control system, you can hit those pests from 30 meters away with a push of a button. And it also feature a handy Ice Cream dispenser for those special occasions when that hot food off the griddle just isn't enough. Not enough force with the splat? Slap on the Ido Attachment and the Skuld Spatula goes Turbo, with a rocket blast you have to feel to believe. Price: One Triple Scoop Vanilla Ice Cream Cone (Subject to Change).
THE DOLBY SURROUND SPATULA Designer : Amy Plack
The DOLBY SURROUND SPATULA turns your kitchen TV into a home entertainment center! Featuring a Dolby SP-65 Spatula Surround Cinema Processor which sends signals directly to your cable box as you flip those burgers and pancakes, the DSS will bring you hours of listening pleasure! With the DSS, your kids will WANT to wash the dishes during "The Simpsons", just to hear Homer yell, "BART!" that much more clearly! Price: $399.99. (Requires a cable box and some assembly, will not work with All-in-One Remote Controls).
SPATULA FOR WINDOWS Designer : Pete Butler
It's an all to familiar scene -- you're sitting at your PC at work, either stuck
on a difficult problem or bored out of your skull. What do you do? In the old
days, you'd either have to settle for staring listlessly at the screen or risk
getting fired by playing video games. But now, with Spatula for Windows, simply
call up the Spatula(tm), point it at an icon, press the button, and . . . flip!
The icon gets turned upside-down! Do it again and . . . flip! It's right-side
up! Good, clean, non-Doom fun that will keep you entertained for hours without
violating your company's "no-game" policy! Available NOW from your friends at
(note -- SfW requires 10.3M RAM to run. May not be compatible with all icons. Due to unexpected programming delays, SfW will be available in Aug. 1995.)
(warning -- All persons using the word "Spatula", including Spatula City, will be expected to pay appropriate royalties. Your co-operation is appreciated. And it's not like we're threatening or anything, but our lawyers have been getting sort of edgy lately, fidgeting and drooling and stuff, and we sorta think they're looking for an opportunity to sue the bejesus out of somebody just to let off some of that steam. Just so you know.)