Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 1 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- A few background notes before we begin. Recently, me and the fine folks down at the Bijou Saxon have been getting addicted to Viz's lovely dubbed Ranma 1/2 series. (I will NOT start talking about dub vs. sub, don't worry) We all agree on a few points : 1. Mousse kicks ass. 2. Happosai must die. 3. Cobain had NOTHING on Ryouga in the teen angst department. Originally this story was going to be a 'Ryouga Wanders Into Seattle' story, but I got a better idea while perusing my CD stacks and rocked with that instead. Read on and enjoy. Commentary is always welcome at gagne@locust.cic.net, and you can ftp to etext.archive.umich.edu is you want to peruse my cyberpunk humor series, A Future We'd Like to See. Depending on how well this story does, I might write more Ranma fanfic or do a FWLS/Ranma crossrip episode. (Help was slightly inspired by Ryouga, after all. Gotta dig umbrella warriors.) I will certainly be completing March of the Pigs, regardless of response. Don't worry folks; parts 2 and onward are on the way. Since I've just seen the Vizzies and read synopses (and read two, count 'em, two manga... anybody wanna donate me a few more?) some characters will be a tad OOC. Nothing worse than has been seen before in fanfic, though. I tried script format, but I'm not used to writing that way, so it'll be paragraph. Despite the nin-spin, this probably won't be very dark. I mostly liked the pun apparent in the word 'pig' which matches Mr. Reznor's lovely pork fetish. :) Plus, some songs made delightfully surreal openers, which I did in script format anyway because I liked the effect... This series is dedicated to all otakus who can't afford to pay thirty bucks for two episodes of Ranma, and to any aspiring fanfiction writers who think about stuff like replacing Kilgore in Apocalypse Now with Kunou. You are the hope of the future. -=- +-------------------------------------------+ | Mastered for optimal performance | |in readability and character recognition...| +-------------------------------------------+ +------------------------------------+ | The audience is reading | | | | #### ##### ##### ###### ###### | | ## ## ## ## ## ## | | ###### #### ## ## ## | | ## ## ## ## ## ## | | ## ## ##### ##### ###### ###### | +------------------------------------+ Night fell over Tokyo. The neon turned on downtown, as the streetlamps in the more suburban districts lit up. Nerima was as placid as usual that evening, which is to say not very placid at all. Akane was screaming. Akane backed up, bumping into the bathroom sink. She gazed on in terror as Ryouga sheepishly tried to cover himself up by sinking into the hot bath further. "Ryouga... you're... you're..." she stammered. "Err... I can explain, Akane--" "P-CHAN!!!" she screamed, in horrifying conclusion. "Kinda," Ryouga offered. The sink impacted against Ryouga's forehead, knocking him backwards into the bath with a splash. Akane yelled again. "But I've even had P-Chan in BED with me... and to think all this time it was YOU!" Akane screamed, pulling a large transdimensional wooden mallet out from thin air. "Now... let's not be too hasty," Ryouga pleaded just before impact. Ryouga was knocked through the door, slammed through a solid wall and arced across the Tendo back yard, landing in the tiny pond with a wet THUNK, dojo-bits raining down in the water with him. He crawled out, 1/8th the man he used to be, sputtering and wheezing. "I HATE YOU!" Akane shouted through the Ryouga-shaped hole in the wall. "I don't want to see you around here again! I love Ranma, not you!!" P-Chan squealed, his squeals carried off by the winds to the uncaring ears of the Tokyo evening. REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : Help me I am in Hell (NIN Halo 5 track 4)) P-Chan tumbled in the water, swirling around his own curse and misery, away from Akane's face in the window, towards the bottom of it all... IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT The toilet of life flushed him down, his hopes and dreams swirling by as grey afterimages, spiraling down... RANMA 1/2 : Nothing was left for P-Chan, except for his own piggy exterior and mangled wishes... MARCH OF THE PIGS "NOOOOOO!" Ryouga screamed, sitting bolt upright in his sleeping back, coated in a thin layer of sweat. He panted, looking around the makeshift forest camp site. He climbed out and stumbled to the river, splashing water on his face to chase away the nightmare... only to look back at his new reflection, and realize the nightmare would never end. A pair of eyes watched him from the trees, around ankle height. "Bwee," the eyes muttered to themselves, intrigued. A pair of blood-red eyes snapped open next to them, narrowing on Ryouga... PART 1 : ALL THE PIGS LINED UP Dawn soaked itself over the forest in its own good time. Ryouga grumbled, pulling his shirt on. It was maddening, trying to get his cooking pot boiling while in pig form... at least Ranma had opposable thumbs and could cure himself in a few minutes. Ryouga, on the other hand, was doomed to spend a lot of his life looking for heated liquids. It just wasn't fair. He had been wandering Japan for weeks now, after finally succeeding in asking Akane out on a date. She accepted... mostly because she was annoyed at another of Ranma's recent cracks about her tomboyish nature. Ranma just didn't get it. Akane was certainly no tomboy, she was a goddess to the entire male population of Furikan, Ryouga inclusive. To them, though, she was just the hottest date of the century... nobody appreciated her like Ryouga did. Only to have them separated by his own directional sense, for three weeks now... she'd probably never speak to him again for breaking the date. She'd talk to P-CHAN, of course, probably tell him what a jerk that Ryouga is, and he'd have to take it. It was the only way he could be closer to her. The curse. The curse was truly a curse of curses... if she ever were to find out who her pet piggy was, Ryouga's chances would be down the abyss faster than nine point eight meters per second per second. The curse of his own guidance as well, keeping them apart in time and space. Finally, the curse of RANMA, the ultimate reason for his agony and the constant stumbling block in his attempts to win the heart of the fair Akane... "RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, which were always very receptive to his war cries, "TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL CRUSH YOU!" The wind responded with a high pitched whine, that of an incoming object, and a soccer ball bounced off Ryouga's head, throwing him off balance. He quickly recovered, and looked around to check the source of the offending sports equipment. "Ryouga?" Ukyou asked, walking in from between the trees, in her school gym uniform. "What're you doing here?" "Ukyou?" Ryouga asked, confused. "What are you doing in Okinawa?" "Okinawa? You're in the woods behind the school, silly. Where'd the ball go?" Ryouga pointed weakly, and Ukyou quickly grabbed the ball. "By the way," she said, pausing in her exit, "I couldn't help but overhear you there. Could you do me a favor and crush Ran-chan tomorrow? I've got this new recipe of okonomiyaki I want to try on him, since Akane is supposedly cooking dinner for them tonight." "Revenge has no set times," Ryouga said testily, crossing his arms. "That's great! So you'll crush him tomorrow instead. Thanks! Drop by Ucchan's for a free lunch sometime," she said, waving and heading back towards the athletic field. "Er..." Ryouga started, but the chef was already gone. Great. He was tricked into promising not to pound Ranma today. He could wait, though; he had waited so long already, he could certainly wait another day. "I'll just count the minutes until tomorrow, then go find Ranma and destroy him," Ryouga concluded, pulling an old stopwatch from his backpack. Time passed. "One," he counted. "Bwee," a voice near his ankle offered. Ryouga looked down. Nudging his foot was a small white piglet, freshly groomed with a cute bow tied around its neck. "Hey there," he said, scratching it behind the ears. "You lost? Sorry I can't be of much help. I'm too busy counting. One point three." "Bweee!" it pleaded. "Not now. One point four." The piglet helpfully bit Ryouga's leg. Ryouga yelped, jumping away from the piglet. It glared at him, desiring attention. Ryouga backed off, palming his stopwatch. The piglet advanced, and began chasing him around the campsite, bweeing all the way. "I don't have time for this!" Ryouga complained, and squatted down to scoop up the piglet. He carried it, squealing, to a nearby tree and in a yellow-and-black blur had it tied to the trunk and gagged. "That's better. Now I need to start over. Zero point--" The ground shook as a bass-loaded growl of anger floated out of the trees. Ryouga turned slowly, and was greeted by a pair of red eyes, glowing fire-red in malevolence. The eyes charged, a brown blur that whipped by Ryouga at near sonic speeds. The blur skidded to a halt, turning around to make another pass. "A boar?" Ryouga asked, intrigued. The mohawked boar growled at him, tusks gleaming, as it charged. Ryouga was trampled, leaving a perfectly straight line of hoofprints up his frontside. The boar slid to a halt, quite pleased with itself. It began banging on the tree Ryouga had tied the piglet to, trying to knock it over. "Alright..." Ryouga growled, getting back to his feet and bearing his poor dental work at the boar. "If it's a fight you want..." Ryouga slowly and deliberately pulled out his depleted uranium umbrella, holding it ahead of him like the most majestic of swords. The umbrella clearly WANTED to glint light and make a pingggg noise, if it could. This wasn't an umbrella for keeping the rain and shine away, it was an umbrella for bashing heads in a graceful yet devastating manner. The boar snorted, and reared back for another charge, legs spinning into a blur as it bolted forward. Ryouga was ready for it, and deflected the charging animal with a simple flick of the wrist, sending it sprawling into his cooking pot. Hot water splashed over the area, putting the fire out. "Hmph. Weak attack, pig," Ryouga gloated before two meaty hands wrapped around his neck and lifted him two feet off the ground. "Pig?" a mohawked man laughed, keeping Ryouga aloft with his grip. "You're one to talk, pal." Ryouga regained his wits and pried the man's fingers apart. The man stood there, naked and unalarmed. "You wanna fight, I don't. Just talk. You go get water and start boiling it for us," he motioned, pointing to the river. "I gotta go get our pack." Ryouga, enraged already, was in no mood to play fetch for this man. The man shrugged, picked him up and tossed him in the river. P-Chan scrambled up the banks as the man finished changing into his clothes, donning a cowboy hat and a t-shirt reading HOW'S YOUR PORK?. The man blinked at the sopping wet piglet. "Crap. Sorry, forgot. I'll get the water myself," he said, taking Ryouga's cooking pot and filling it at the river, avoiding P-Chan's claws and teeth. He plunked it on the fire and calmly waited for it to boil. P-Chan walked up beside the man, dejected, and sat down. Not much else he could do, until the water was done. The man tested the water with his pinky finger. "Hot enough," he grunted, and poured a little on Ryouga, turning around to allow Ryouga to get dressed. "It's a good pot. Boils quick. Beats my canteen by far." "Who are you, anyway?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his umbrella off the ground. "Just wandering," the man said, starting to go through Ryouga's campsite. "You got any smokes? Food? Something other than hot water?" "Hey! That's my stuff!" Ryouga protested. The man held him at arms length. "Lesse... instant ramen... some postcards... beef jerky! Jackpot!" he said, pulling out a ziplock baggie. "Here, take the water. I'd advise ducking after you do it." "Do what?" Ryouga asked, grasping the warm pot. "Change her back," the man said, pointing to the piglet tied to the tree. "I don't think she'll be in a rather good mood--" Ryouga had already started dousing the pet-show piglet with water. The piglet grew in less than a second, breaking the weak knots in the bandannas. She reached out and throttled Ryouga. "I came here to have a simple conversation and you TIE ME TO A TREE?!" she exclaimed, ratting the boy around. "Sheesh, Charlotte, go put your dress on," the man said, reaching into his pack and tossing a blue garment at the girl. "You'll either strangle the boy or embarrass him to death." "Hmm? Oh," she said, looking down at herself. "One second." She pounced for the trees, grabbing the gown on her way there, leaping like a jaguar and vanishing into the underbrush. She emerged a second later, clad in a simple long dress that matched the color of the blue bow in her hair. "Sorry about that," she said. "Jusenkyo side effect. You'd think whoever designed those pools would at least include your outfit in the transformation... that's how it's done in cartoons, at least... not proper magic by any standard..." "J... jusenkyo?" Ryouga stammered. "You two are cursed?" "Just as much as you," Charlotte said, grinning. "Hey, *I*'m not cursed," Ryouga protested. "Hardly. We saw your little problem this morning," Charlotte smiled. Ryouga slumped down, head in his hands. "Okay, I'm cursed. I admit it. It's the horror of my existence. The one thing that keeps me away from my only love in life..." "Beef jerky?" the man suggested. "Don't be crass, Buford," Charlotte scolded. "He means the girl he mentioned earlier. Akane, right?" "You have no idea," Ryouga said. "It's awful. She thinks I'm her pet pig. It's the only time I get to spend with her, because of that stupid fiancee of hers knowing about me. I'm supposed to be out on a date with her... three weeks ago. I've been lost since." "Ooch," the girl admitted. "It's so depressing... I just... want to... ARGH! ROARING LION BULLET!!!" Ryouga screamed, casting a ki-blast off in a random direction. The yellow sphere of power carved its way through the trees before fading away a hundred feet into the woods. Buford sat there, bits of beef jerky not yet in his mouth and hat singed. "Yaaah," he managed. "Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "Lately, that's been the only way I can let off steam. It's hopeless." "Hmmmm," Charlotte hummed, leaning on a palm. "I have an idea..." "Whoa. Hold, time out. Charlotte, may I speak to you a minute?" Buford said, leading the young girl aside. "Something wrong?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and pouting. "Don't give me that kawaii deal, you know it doesn't work on me. We don't got TIME to play Story Meddler here. I know you just love to make stops every now and then and play matchmaker, but we're on a tight schedule here. Being chased? Hunted? Pursued? Any of this ringing a bell?" "Come on, Buford. Victor's a day or two behind us at least." "Probably laying a trap as we speak," Buford warned. "You know how he is. We can't afford to have you play roaming fair godmother this time." "Alright, alright. We came to this guy looking for a quick food stop, right?" Charlotte said. "You heard what that girl said, he has a free meal coming. Let's cash in on that and run." "You're not going to goof off and play storyteller?" "I solemnly swear that I will not fail to attempt to ignore any nonexistent obligations to help out this boy," she swore. "Umm... okay," Buford said. "A promise is a promise. Hey, boy!" "It's Ryouga Hibiki," Ryouga corrected. "Yeah. We're starving, Hibiki. You got a coupon for this Ucchan's place?" "I guess so... I can't do anything today anyway, now that I promised," Ryouga said, a hint of bitterness in his tone. "I can show you the way..." * "It's just around this corner, really," Ryouga insisted. Buford's stomach growled in protest. He grabbed it, trying to quell the noise. "That's what you said six corners around, Ryouga. I know Tokyo's pretty cryptic, but this is nuts." "Nothing wrong with a stroll in the open air," Charlotte insisted. "So tell me, Ryouga, this Ranma fellow... he has *three* fiancees?" "Four, if you count self-appointed ones," Ryouga noted. "The hentai fool seems to be a woman magnet. The only one that doesn't really like him is Akane, but she's stuck in it thanks to Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome." "How'd you manage to ask an engaged person out on a date?" "It's fairly loose. Neither Akane or Ranma like it. Why they don't just break it off I don't know... and why Ranma keeps interfering when I try to talk to Akane, I don't know. It's like he wants to keep her in complete misery, alone and friendless, just as he's managed to do to me!" "Food," Buford insisted. "Ucchan's is right around the corner," Ryouga said, turning the corner and facing a dead end. The trio paused. "Where'd it go?" Ryouga wondered, looking around. "Forget this," Buford said, pulling a map out of his backpack. "I wanna eat. Alright. What's the address again?" * Ucchan's wasn't terribly packed, leaving them quite a selection of tables. Charlotte immediately homed in on one in the corner, overlooking the restaurant but hidden by a large plant. The two men shrugged and followed. "What do they serve here?" Charlotte asked. "I wanna burger," Buford whined. "Some good american food." "Okonomiyaki. I'm guessing you don't get that in america," Ryouga said. "It's quite good. One of the few treats I have left in life. Ukyou!" A spatula poked up from behind the counter, followed by Ukyou. She blinked. "Ryouga! Here to claim that free meal, I see. Umm. Ryouga, I meant food for one person..." "It's okay, these are... friends from out of town," Ryouga grinned, putting his best lying face on (which wasn't very convincing). "Alright. I suppose it won't hurt too much. Three okonomiyakis coming up!" she beamed, and ducked back behind the counter. "She's one of the fiancees, right?" Charlotte asked. "Yeah. Her and someone at a chinese restaurant down the street. It's simply absurd, the number of people chasing him..." "Hope this is fast food," Buford said, looking around the restaurant anxiously. "We're in a bit of a hurry." "Tosh, Buford. We can have some idle conversation." "Idle conversation? You've been giving him the third degree!" "Third what?" Ryouga asked. "Alright, I'll make it fair. Ryouga, you can ask me anything you want about me and my partner here," Charlotte offered, resting her chin on her palms. "Fire away." "Ummm..." Ryouga started, not sure what to ask. "Well... you're cursed too, right?" "Correct. I fell in the... well, my chinese is really awful. It was a spring where an escaped high class piglet drowned three weeks ago." "Three weeks?" Ryouga asked. "Not all of the pools are ancient, you know," she said. "I was on vacation with my family... we're from France, own a very nice vineyard and attend a lot of posh parties. Frightfully dull. Anyway, my stupid little brother somehow talked me into jumping in." "It must be awful." "Not really. It's quite fun. You can sneak around and spy on people and generally learn a lot as a pig," she grinned. "Your curse isn't THAT bad, Ryouga, just the situation it got you into. Problems have solutions, though. For instance, your--" "And me, I was on exchange from Austin University and fell into a boar drowning pool," Buford interrupted. "Question and answer session is over. Where's that food?" Three plates flopped down on the table, spinning to a halt after coasting through the air towards the table and impacting in such a way as not to disturb the food on them. "Three okonomiyaki," Ukyou replied, bowing. "If there's anything else you need, just call." Buford salivated, and quickly started wolfing his down. Charlotte shrugged, and began to eat hers bit by bit. "You must be pretty hungry," Ryouga commented. "Mmmph. Haven't had a good meal in awhile," Buford said between bites. "We've been travelling, just as you have been," Charlotte added. "We're being hunted." Buford choked on his food, but Charlotte pretended not to notice. "I ran away from home, you see. They want me back before anybody finds out that--" Several tables near the door overturned, as chaos entered via the front door. Buford resumed choking, as all heads (all four of them) in Ucchan's turned to see what the racket was. "Get back here, ya little squirt!" Ranma yelled, chasing... something through the restaurant. Akane darted in after him, looking worried. "What's wrong, Akane?" Ryouga asked, quickly getting out of his chair to be by her side. "Well... he's been gone for weeks... and when we finally found him, he ran off again. We're lucky we cornered him here," Akane said. "Umm... who?" "P-Chan," Akane said. "Did you get him, Ranma?" "Right here," Ranma said, grip wavering as the tiny black piglet in his hands tried to wiggle away. He turned to face Akane. "I... RYOUGA??!" "What? What?" Ryouga asked. "But... P-Chan... you..." Ranma stammered, confused. Ryouga's gaze fell on the tiny piglet. It WAS P-Chan... right down to the wide eyes and the pink snout and the look of terror on its face. "P-Chan!" Akane cheered, running forward to hug her piggy. "P-Chan?" Ranma repeated. "P-Chan," Ryouga nodded, grinning. "Victor," Charlotte grumbled. END - Part 1 (Closing Theme : Don't Mind Lay-Lay Boy (Opal)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.