Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 2 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- On with part 2. To recap : Ryouga gets down again, and two pigs show up, who turn out to be a Jusekyoed pair named Buford and Charlotte. Ryouga describes his life's problems as they head to Ucchan's, where they bump into a rather unusual situation... -=- Nobody said anything. Two present were confused beyond speech capability... Ryouga and Ranma, notably, seeing two Ryougas in the same room. One in human form, and the other as P- Chan. Akane didn't seem to care, snuggling her piggy (which was trying to escape). Ukyou was too busy cooking to notice. Buford was steaming, however. He snaked out a arm and grabbed P-Chan away from Akane, and shook the piglet around a little. "Still trying to sneak up on us, huh Victor?" he scolded. "I oughtta make chop suey outta you--" Buford collapsed to the floor, Akane's mallet pounding his skull into his ribcage. The piglet soared through the air, and was caught by Ryouga. "Quit picking on P-Chan!" Akane demanded of the groaning gaijin, who was on the ground holding his head in pain. "Thanks, Ryouga." "Err... no problem," Ryouga said, handing the black piglet back. "Well, come on Ranma, let's get home," Akane said. "Don't just stand there." "But... P-Chan... and Ryouga? Two places? Same time?" Ranma puzzled, gaze swapping back and forth from the two. "Let's go already," Akane grumped, grabbing Ranma's hand and storming out of the restaurant, while Ranma grappled with his logic skills. "She's right, he does look kinda like you," Charlotte said. "Poor guy." "What... who... WAS that?" Ryouga asked, pointing to the door. "Victor," Charlotte sighed. "My brother." * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : Pinion (NIN Halo 5 track 1)) Two blobs race around the docks of Tokyo bay in the moonlight. Briefly lit by streetlamps they pass under, they can be identified as one white piglet with a blue bow, and a larger brown boar with a mohawk. IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT The two dash along the piers, looking for a good place to hide. Turning a corner, however, they bump into a pair of men with nets, and a small boy in black who points a finger and cries out... RANMA 1/2 : The men pounce, tangling up the two pigs in nets. The boy acts relieved, as the men pack up the two in a van. MARCH OF THE PIGS A wave washes over the dock, and the two men look back; to find another piglet. They shrug, and toss it in with the other two, despite squealing protests. PART 2 : GET WHAT PIGS DESERVE * "I figured the little runt couldn't track us if we stowed away on a commercial cargo liner," Buford explained, as the trio finished their meals. "Don't know how he found out. When we got off, there were two guys from animal control and Victor, saying there they are, my lost pigs." "The uncouths tossed a net on me and threw me in a van," Charlotte complained. "Luckily, a wave washed up and there was... heh, V-Chan. The guys, being a bit slow witted, tossed him in there too. He had no choice but to help all of us escape." "But... he fell into the same pool I did?" Ryouga asked. "The heituenniichuan?" "If that's the word, yes. Drowning black piglet spring. Looks kind of like you in pig form, but without the cute bandanna," Charlotte said. "Well, he ain't gonna be a problem no more," Buford grinned. "In fact, looks like this solves your problem. Akane's got her little V-Chan now, and you don't need to pose anymore, PLUS Victor's out of our hair for good. I'd call that a happy ending. Now, Charlotte, we ought to get moving--" "We're not leaving him there," Charlotte stated. "Oh yes we are. Far as I'm concerned, that's a fitting end to your brother's little manhunt." "He's my BROTHER, Buford!" Charlotte exclaimed, angry. "Sure, he's a pain in the ass. Sure, he's manipulative and plotting. He is, however, a member of my family and I can't leave him behind like that." "With him outta the way, we wouldn't have to run and hide all the time," Buford argued, getting to his feet. "Maybe we could settle down and start lookin' for a cure, you think?" "Half the fun of this trip is escaping Victor's little plots," Charlotte rebutted. "Life would be boring again if we lost that." "BORING!? Maybe you'd like me to quit now and let you handle lugging your gear around, huh? Remember how I found you in Austin? Penniless, clothingless and homeless?" "I was not penniless. I still have the family charge card," Charlotte said, slipping it out from under her hair ribbon. It was solid gold, or at least looked like it. "Don't leave France without it." "Which isn't exactly valid if you can't get any hot water," Buford said. "I want outta this curse, and the only way is to shake Victor and get some serious detective work goin'." "We've been managing fine even with him around!" "Umm, may I get a word in here?" Ryouga asked? "NO!" they shouted in unison. * Ranma was beginning to suspect something. P-Chan hadn't tried to attack him once. In fact, it almost seemed like his anger was directed in the opposite direction... three times today he had managed to wriggle away from Akane and try to escape, each time with a grumpy Ranma having to track him down so Akane wouldn't be upset. P-Chan even refused to be dressed up funny. No baby bib, for example, when it came time to eat (and he attempted to escape again). There was something else strange, something he couldn't quite put a finger on... "What happened to P-Chan's cute little bandanna?" Akane wondered, scratching his neck while he wiggled around. "That's it!" Ranma gasped, snapping his fingers. "What's it?" "Nothing," Ranma said, keeping it to himself. Ryouga never, EVER loses his bandanna. It was a part of him, kind of like his bad dental work and daydreaming. Why would he ditch it now? "I think I'll head around to the corner market and try to pick him up a new one," Akane said, getting up from the couch where she and Ranma were watching TV. "Here, you take care of him while I'm out. He's been so jumpy today." "What? Me?" Ranma asked, as the protesting pig was thrust into his hands. "Yeah, you. You remember how Nabiki tried to sell him to that gourmet meat market last time I left him with someone else," Akane said. "I don't want him getting lost, anyway. You had better take care of him this time, Ranma, I don't want a repeat of what happened three weeks ago!" Lost. Hmmm, Ranma thought. "I'll be right back," Akane said, heading out the door. "Keep him out of trouble," she added, before shutting the door behind her. Ranma tucked P-Chan under an arm, and headed for the stairs. * The Tendo basement was rarely used; at the time, it only housed a few barrels of ceremonial wine, some broken dojo equipment and a growing civilization of cockroaches which were very near developing a kind of writing. Ranma stepped in the intricate dust patterns on his way down the stairs, setting them back five years. Ranma ignored the enraged chittering from behind him, and picked a likely spot in the basement to set the pig down. "Alright, here goes," he said, and released the piglet. The pig zipped straight and true like an arrow for the stairs, bounding up them two at a time and crashing through the door. Not THROUGH the door, but pushing it open first. Not normal for Ryouga-on-a-rampage. Ranma trailed it, following the frantic hoof marks in the floor. A nice, straight line, up the stairs and to the bedroom area. It was working. He walked up the stairs, taking his own good time. The path was leading him right where he figured it would go; the bathroom. He ignored the KNOCK FIRST sign and walked in, pulling the shower panel aside. "Alright, who are you and what have you done with P-Chan?" he demanded of the strange boy in the tub. * "See, my parents are a bit snobby," Charlotte explained, holding her marshmallow over Ryouga's cooking fire. Buford was already snoring away, his hat lifting up slightly with each exhale, but Charlotte managed to talk over the noise without waking him. "I heard that about french people," Ryouga commented. "Not all french people, silly. My family's just REALLY old fashioned. They're hanging onto this old, dried up vineyard as if it was worth something, leeching off stored up family fortune," she clarified. "It's incredibly dull. I mean, the wardrobe and the cash flow are nice, but life is awful. Especially with this curse; mom and dad don't want anybody to know someone from 'such an important family' is cursed, so they kept me locked in my room until they could find a cure." "What about Victor?" Ryouga asked. "I mean, did they lock him up too?" "Certainly. It didn't stop us, though. Pigs can sneak around quite well," she smiled. "I had fun sneaking out and... well, arranging things." "Arranging?" "Little things. Encouraging romances I had seen budding in the kitchen staff. Causing simple, silly misunderstandings that people would remember in years to come and look back on in nostalgia. Having fun and snooping. Victor was a brat then too, though, doing his best to screw up my plans and get the house staff to backstab each other at every turn just so he could have fun watching it happen." "Isn't that what you were doing?" Ryouga asked. "Of course not! I wanted to help them out. He wanted to screw them up. It got annoying and I ran away from home with daddy's MasterCard. I figured a life of travel would be fun, but then they decided to let Victor hunt me down and bring me back, so nobody would know that the daughter of 'such an important family' had run away." She turned her marshmallow a little. Ryouga turned his, noticing that it had started blackening already. He sighed. "I've been thinking," Charlotte said. "Since it looks like Victor's a little... occupied, how about if I help you out? We'll go spring him before I leave, but this does give me time to have a little fun." "Help me?" Ryouga asked, not sure how to take that. "Of course! With you and Akane. It's what I do best. Buford here will complain, of course, but as long as Victor's at bay he has no excuse. We're both the same, after all, you and I." "We're both... well... pigs," Ryouga admitted. "True. Pigs help pigs out. So, what do you say? Your muscle, some of my brain power, and we'll have you in the arms of the one you love in no time!" "It probably won't work," Ryouga grumbled. "I've tried everything. Siding with some of the local magic gurus, trying to beat Saotome senseless, even just flat out asking Akane out... somehow, nothing works." "You haven't tried me yet," she said, winking. "Trust me. Give me a week and you won't have to go on prozac, you'll have a surplus of natural joy." Charlotte pulled her marshmallow out of the fire, only to discover it had melted over Ryouga's, congealing both into a blackened lump. "Hmm," she mused. "Oh well, I hate marshmallows anyway. Anyway, I need details about everybody you know. Never know when another pawn could be helpful in the game." "It's a pretty complicated list." "Try me." * "You've got no fashion sense, Saotome," Victor said, browsing Ranma's closet. "I mean, honestly, beige button ups with bow ties? Chinese fashions? And those godawful little black shoes." "You still haven't answered my question," Ranma said, tapping his foot. "Yes I did. I have no idea who this P-Chan fellow is," Victor said. "Finally, something suited for me. Mind if I borrow this? I'd hate to see the reaction of the Tendos if I was walking around naked. I think you would as well." "Where're your own clothes?" Ranma asked. "Lost them at the docks. My nice shirt with the mesh sleeves, my dyed jeans, everything. Awful. I'll have to see if your local stores have my taste. Until then, I suppose this black outfit of yours will do. Lucky we're the same size." Ranma nodded. The boy was around his height, even with the same hair color. His hair wasn't combed, just a matted mess that hung down to his shoulders. His eyes were blank and wild like Gosunkugi, but with a more malevolent edge to them. He clearly wasn't afraid of Ranma the way Gosunkugi was either, but he didn't look like he'd be able put up much of a fight if it came to that. "If you were trying to masquerade as P-Chan, you were doing a lousy job," Ranma noted, crossing his arms. "Not only did you try to flee from Akane, but you made a beeline for the bathroom. The REAL P-Chan would wander around the house for hours before finding it." "I was never a good actor," he said, pulling Ranma's black t-shirt over his head. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm off. I've got a few people to look up." "Hold it," Ranma said, laying a hand on Victor's shoulder. "I don't think so. Akane ordered me to keep you here, and that's what I'm doing until I can find the REAL P-Chan. She pounded me three times a few weeks ago for losing P-Chan, and even considered going out with Ryouga to get back at me. That ain't gonna happen again." "I don't think that'll work, Saotome," Victor said. "You want to get out of this house, you gotta go through me," Ranma said, dropping into a fighting stance. "You look silly," Victor smirked. "I have no intention of going through you. I was thinking AROUND. I've got a few missing persons to make un-missing, and I don't need some piglet- crushing female maniac or her overly violent fiancee keeping me away from that." Ranma stood there, waiting for Victor to try to go around him. Victor just stood there, taking in the many varied sights of Ranma's room. "Your room sucks," he concluded. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Ranma asked. "Hmm? No, foolish boy, I'm not going to try to escape NOW. That would be idiotic. No, I figure I'll just wait until nobody's expecting it. A watched pot never boils, you know. In fact--" Victor paused, an evil smile creeping over his face. "Say, I have a novel idea. Would you like to hear what it is?" "Try me," Ranma dared. "Okay. Akane's obviously had this P-Chan mammal for quite some time. How would she feel if I were to 'uncover' P-Chan as some hentai loon who had a Jusenkyo curse, and tell her that YOU KNEW all along and didn't tell her?" Ranma's jaw dropped. "I imagine she'd be less than pleased. You in fact TOLD me she beat the snot out of you less than a few weeks ago the last time you displeased her, and this would be quite a displeasure. I figure I could get around you THEN, while your vertebrae are snapping just like when she crushes me. It would be amusing to watch, though, so maybe I'd hang around while she proceeds to tear you limb from limb--" "Enough!" Ranma blurted. "Alright, I'll let you go. I'll have to hide from that kawaiikune tomboy for a few days, but I suppose it'll blow over--" "Go? I have no intentions of going! Saotome old bean, you're going to be of INVALUABLE assistance to me," Victor laughed. "No, I think I'll stay put for awhile. It'll mean more love attacks from that insane woman, but it'll be worthwhile. And you'll keep your mouth shut and help me with whatever I need help with, unless you'd like your mouth opened for you and jaw dislocated by Akane." Ranma considered pounding this boy and tossing him out the window. It would be the easy solution, but would mean losing 'P- Chan'. Either way, he was to wit, screwed. Maybe he could play along, find Ryouga, put him back in pet-place and pound this guy to make the exchange... but that would take time. "Alright," he said. "But the MINUTE I'm done whatever this is you need help with, you're OUT of here, bucko." "Sounds fine with me. Once completed, I'll be winging my way back home to celebrations and parties. Maybe I'll drop you an invitation," he grinned evilly, narrowing his eyes at his new token. "Here's what I need done." * Akane walked up stairs, her newly purchased bandanna in one hand, and the other hand pigless but longing to hug her pig again. She had looked around the house, but didn't find them; Ranma probably just took P-Chan upstairs for a bath, and then back to his room. "Nabiki?" Akane asked, as Nabiki quickly hid the plastic cup she was holding behind her back. "Is Ranma here?" "Right in there," Nabiki gestured to the door she was standing next to. "I'd suggest knocking first." Akane nodded, and knocked. There was a quick splashing noise, and Ranma called, "Come in!" Nabiki walked off to her room, put the plastic cup back on her shelf. Things were certainly going to be interesting, she thought to herself... especially if this new fellow was rich. END - Part 2 (Closing theme : Equal Romance (Extended Gristle Remix)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.