Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs
                               Part 3

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously.  If I ever
     even considered claiming that these were my own characters
     I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
     to eat my own legs to live.)

-=-

     On with the show.  In our last episode, Victor (who fell in
the same pool Ryouga did) is mistaken for P-Chan and dragged to
the Tendo household.

     Victor blackmailed Ranma into helping Victor out by
threatening to show Akane that P-Chan is just a Jusenkyo-cursed
hentai, and that Ranma knew for years without telling her.  Ranma
reluctantly agrees, but silently vows to swap Victor for the real
P-Chan as soon as he can.  Nabiki overhears the exchange and
smiles evilly.

     Charlotte decides that with Victor out of the way, she'll
have time to help Ryouga win the heart of Akane.

     (Note : I'm running out of NIN puns, so I suspect my titles
won't be as cool from here on. :)

-=-

     The evening turned into daytime, sun rising over Furinkan
high school and the small clearing in the woods behind it.  The
three people sleeping there were nearly mauled and eaten by the
local wildlife, but fortunately there was a far more frightening
noise in the woods that night; Buford's snoring.

     Ryouga woke to that snoring, wondering if someone was
cutting firewood with a rusty chainsaw.  He rubbed his eyes,
scanning the campsite for the source of the noise.

     Buford was in the same position he had been in near
midnight, flopped on his back.  The cowboy hat had fallen off his
face, removing the only muffler the noise previously had.  Ryouga
quietly slipped over and put the hat back, cutting down the
decibel level.

     "Don't know why I didn't think of that," Charlotte said,
from the cooking fire.  "Morning, Ryouga."

     "Morning," he returned, packing up his sleeping bag.  "How
long have you been up?"

     "Just an hour or three.  I couldn't find any food other than
some instant ramen in your pack, so breakfast is going to be
light," she said, shifting the cooking pot around to get the
water to boil faster.  "I've got a few plans."

     "Plans?"

     "For you, silly.  Getting you together with Akane," she
reminded him.  "You're more experienced, so tell me if these
aren't going to work.  Okay.  We kidnap Ranma and stash him
somewhere so he won't interfere."

     "Kidnap Ranma?" Ryouga mused.  "I don't think it'll work. 
The little weasel is very good at escaping.  Plus, it's not just
him; if word gets out, then Kunou and Gosunkugi and probably the
entire subset of the Y chromosome at Furinkan would get in the
way."

     "Okay, then we get you two together somewhere secret," she
suggested.  "Not the usual restaurants or streets, but somewhere
nobody'd look."

     "The Kunou family has ears everywhere," Ryouga said.  "Or at
least two ears.  Sasuke, his ninja, is very observant and will
often keep tabs on Akane and the pig-tailed girl."

     "Pig-tailed girl?" Charlotte asked.

     "Never mind.  Do you have a third plan?"

     "Yes, but it's a bit more complex," she said.  "We pull a
Victor on everybody you know except Akane."

     "A what?"

     "Basically, we get your friends so busy attacking or spying
on each other that they completely ignore you and Akane," she
said.  "That way, no problems.  Of course, this requires getting
you two together in the first place.  She doesn't know, does
she?"

     "Well... not really," Ryouga said, sitting down next to
Charlotte.  "I've never gotten many chances at telling her, and
the few that I had... I guess I chickened out."

     "Bad luck all around, I suppose," she said.  "Don't worry,
Ryouga, that luck's going to change.  I'll get you two together
if it's the last thing I do!"

     "What?" Buford asked, confused.  He lifted his hat up.

     "Oh, Buford.  Morning.  We thought you were asleep,"
Charlotte said.

     "Hold it, take two, I thought we agreed NOT to go playing
around with people's lives this time," Buford said, pulling
himself up to sitting position.  "I want to go find a cure, thank
you, not play fairy godmother."

     "Victor's trapped, Buford," Charlotte argued.  "While the
brat's away, we can play.  Come on, don't be such a stick in the
mud.  We can go find that silly cure anytime."

     "Ryouga... no offense... but I don't give a damn about you. 
You can rot away in your own self pity for all I care.  I've got
more important things to worry about.  Come on, Charlotte, let's
get out of here," Buford demanded, grabbing the girl by her wrist
and walking off.

     There was a high-pitched whine as a bandanna sliced through
the air, whizzing by Buford's ear and embedding itself in a
nearby tree.  Part of Buford's hat brim fell off, severed with a
cut finer than a ginsu knife.

     "Unhand her," Ryouga demanded, umbrella ready.  "NOW."

     "Oh alright," Buford complained, letting Charlotte's wrist
fall.  "Sit around and pay your playground games if you want to. 
I get to say 'I told you so' when Victor's got all our hides on
the next flight back to France and Ryouga 'n I are in jail for
aiding you in your runaway, Charlotte."

     "It won't come to that," Charlotte decreed.

     "Let's hope so," Buford said.  "I--"

     Buford's ears perked, as he cut himself off in mid sentence. 
He turned around and charged into the woods, sniffing the air.

     "Trouble?" Charlotte asked.

     "Thought I heard someone," he said.  "Someone hidin' out
here.  Wasn't Victor."

     "Buford, we're behind a school.  Of COURSE you're going to
be hearing people," Charlotte laughed.  "Now if you two will
excuse me, I've got some plotting to do."

     Buford checked the area a bit further.  Fortunately for
Sasuke, he didn't look up.  Sasuke breathed a silent sigh of
relief and swing by the treetops towards the school.

                              *

               REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS
   (musical insert : March of the F**kheads (NIN Halo 9 track 7))

     Sasuke swang from branch to branch in traditional ninja
style.  Master Kunou would not be pleased at this news...
displeased to the point where Sasuke did NOT look forward to
reporting it.

  IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT

     Buford plowed through the forest, following the strange
noise.  He was CERTAIN he had heard someone nearby, not near the
school... he could hear the leaves rustling and wood creaking. 
Someone was sneaking around.  Buford was NOT amused.

                         RANMA 1/2 :

     Sasuke glanced down at his pursuer, nervous.  The man was
pushing tree after tree aside as if they were twigs... perhaps if
he held still and made no noise, the man would go away.

                      MARCH OF THE PIGS

     Buford paused, as the sounds stopped.  He sniffed, trying to
pick up the trail, to no avail.  He shrugged, adjusted his hat,
and headed back to camp.  Sasuke's heartbeat slowed down to
normal rate, and he dropped to the ground, dashing for homeroom
2-E.  He darted onto the athletic field... and was promptly
trampled by the Furinkan Cross-Country Team.

     Looks like his report was going to be delayed a little, he
thought before collapsing.

                  PART 3 : PLANS TO BE MADE

                              *

     "You lead a life that borders on the surreal, Saotome,"
Victor commented,adjusting his reclaimed (and prized) mesh t-
shirt.  "I thought I had a strange home life.  Yours takes the
cake, platter, silverware and tablecloth."

     "Just remember the deal," Ranma warned.  "You get these
people you're after and you get out of here."

     "I'm a man of my word," Victor said, giving a boy scout
salute in front of his chest (and crossing his fingers behind his
back).  "You stick to your side of the bargain as well.  

     "This is the place," Ranma said.  "Same restaurant we chased
you to yesterday."

     "Good.  And you say you're on good terms with the owner?"
Victor asked.

     Ranma thought about it.  "You could say that," she smirked.

     The two entered Ucchan's, looking around for Ukyou.  The
restaurant wasn't particularly crowded, being between the
breakfast and lunch rushes.

     "Uc-chan!" Ranma called out.  "You here?"

     "Ran-chan!" Ukyou cheered from the table she was washing
behind them.  "Hello!  Hungry?"

     "Well, not--"

     Ukyou quickly dished out two okonomiyaki and pulled chairs
behind Victor and Ranma, sliding a table in place.  She lit a
candle on the table and pulled up a chair for herself.

     "--really," Ranma finished.

     "Don't worry, okonomiyaki makes a great between meal snack
too," she said.  "Nutritious and delicious."

     Victor poked his.  "What is this stuff?  Roach parts?"

     "Anyway, Uc-chan," Ranma interjected, before the
conversation turned violent, "I was wondering, do you have any
idea where those two people who were with Ryouga went yesterday?"

     "Not sure," Ukyou said, thinking back.  "I think the one had
a french name, because she used her credit card to give me a tip
that was worth three times the meal.  Charlotte somebody or
other."

     "Aha!" Victor smirked.  "Confirmation."

     "See, my friend, umm... Victor here has been looking for
them," Ranma said.

     "Oh really?  Why?" Ukyou asked.

     "He's supposed to--"

     "I own a restaurant up near Okinawa," Victor interrupted. 
"Those two hooligans charged an incredible amount of food to the
same credit card you mentioned.  I couldn't believe how much...
they ate like pigs.  Scared my other customers.  Anyway, the
credit card was reported as stolen, but wasn't canceled for some
reason, and now I had a sizeable bill that was unpaid.  So, I
decided to go find them.  Ranma here agreed to help, since he
truly does appreciate the troubles chefs like us go through."

     "That he does," Ukyou beamed.  "You do appreciate good
cooking, Ran-chan, even if you do have to suffer through Akane's
dinners occasionally."

     "Nothing worse than an insult to the palette," Victor joked. 
"So, do you have any idea where they might have gone?  Perhaps to
this Ryouga person's house?"

     "I don't think Ryouga's been home in years," Ranma said,
looking crestfallen.  "He gets lost a lot.  He could be anywhere
from Tombiki to Lake Tahoe by now.  I don't think we'll be able
to find him."

     "Actually, I think he's camping out behind Furinkan," Ukyou
said.  "At least he was last morning."

     "Terrific!" Victor said.  "Thanks for your time, miss.  If
I'm ever in town again, I'll have to sample some of your art."

     Victor reached out and picked up Ukyou's hand, bowing to
kiss it.  She blushed.  Ranma rolled his eyes.

     "Now," Victor said, letting the hand down, "Saotome and I
must be off.  Ta ta!"

     "But your food--"

     "No time!" Victor said, pulling Ranma away by the arm,
heading out the door and around the corner.

     "Ugh," Victor said.  "What repulsive swill.  Was that ugly
girl cooking small puddles of vomit, or did it just smell like
it?"

     "Take that back about Uc-chan, Victor," Ranma demanded.  "Or
I'll--"

     "What?  Knock me silly like you absurd little martial
artists do?" he grinned.  "I'll be on your doorstep the next day
as cute little P-Chan, just DYING to let Akane in on a little
secret, if you know what I mean.  Or better yet, a P-Chan that
has been beaten up.  Who do you think she'll guess did it?  Hint,
his name rhymes with Zanma."

     Soon, Ranma thought.  Once I get my hands on Ryouga, you're
going DOWN, pal.

                                   *

     "He's WHAT?!?" Kunou screamed, standing bolt upright.

     "Planning to ask Akane out," Sasuke mumbled.  "Please,
master Kunou, don't be angry!  I'm sure it's just a
misunderstanding--"

     "If that swine Ryouga Hibiki wants to win the heart of the
fair Akane, he'll have to get through ME!" Kunou proclaimed.  "I,
Tatewaki Kunou, will allow nothing el--"

     An eraser bopped off Kunou's forehead.  "In the hall,
Kunou!" his teacher demanded, pointing his chalk accusingly.

     "Yes sir," Kunou seethed through a clenched jaw.  "Come,
Sasuke."

     "But what of Ryouga, master?" Sasuke asked, leading Kunou
out the classroom door.  "He's currently behind the school in the
woods by the river, but there's a track and field meet going
on... I don't think we can get to him."

     "There is ALWAYS a way, Sasuke.  Go to the mansion and fire
up the Lady Binsen II," Kunou said.  "If you'll excuse me, I need
to find a bucket."

                              *

     "Roller derby?" Victor asked, confused.

     "It's one of the events," Ranma shrugged.  "Mikado suggested
it, mostly because he figured he'd win.  Shame he's out with a
cold today.  That's why I hate skating, it's too cold."

     "I don't relish crossing the athletic field with those folks
out on parade," Victor said, pointing to the thundering herd of
roller-skating students.  "Do you know anybody who could get them
to stop?"

     "No," Ranma said.  "There's the principal, but he'd freak
out at your hairdo if we went to see him."

     "Something wrong with my beautiful locks?" Victor asked.

     "Yeah.  It's called shampoo.  Use it occasionally," Ranma
said.  "Alright, how to get across..."

     "RANMA!" a high pitched voice called out from the crowd. 
Several skaters went down, crashing to the oval track as an
object made a beeline for the two boys.  Azusa popped out of the
fray, knocking several lesser skaters aside as she coasted up on
inlines.

     "Ranma, have you seen Charlotte?" Azusa asked, skating in
lazy circles around the pair.

     "No, that's the point," Victor said.

     "Not THAT Charlotte," Ranma corrected.  "Actually... Azusa,
we're looking for her right now.  See, Akane knows how much you
ADORE her little pig, and is offering to let you take care of her
for awhile, but we can't seem to find her."

     "Charlotte's been missing for weeks!" Azusa pouted.  "What
can I do to help?"

     "Get me and Victor here to the other side of the track,"
Ranma said.  "To the forest."

     "Okee!" Azusa beamed, grabbing each boy by the arm and
jerking them forward.  "OUTTA MY WAY!"

     The trio ran directly into the skaters at an acute angle,
pushing people aside as they proved the theorem about the
shortest distance between two points.

     Skaters flopped down left and right, sometimes knocked down
by Azusa, sometimes impacting against Ranma and Victor.  Chaos
theory was put into action as skaters swerved every imaginable
direction to avoid the crazed girl.

     Azusa flung Ranma and Victor ten feet to the grasses on the
other side of the track.  "Can't stay!  Tell me when you find my
darling Charlotte!  Byeeeee!"

     With that, she skated back into the fray.

     Victor coughed and wheezed, trying to avoid touching any
body parts on him that hurt.  "What was that wheeled demon?"

     "Azusa," Ranma said.  "Alright, we made it.  Now what?"

                                   *

     "...and that should do it," Charlotte said.  "The trick, I'd
say, is to get everybody doing what they're supposed to be doing
at the correct point in time.  It should be pretty fun to pull
off."

     Ryouga stared blankly.

     "Hello?  Ryouga?  Earth to Hibiki?" Charlotte said, snapping
her fingers.

     "Hmm?  Oh, sorry, must have been daydreaming..."

     "Stay on the planet for the next few days, lover boy, you've
got just as much work to do as Buford and I if we're going to do
this right," Charlotte smirked.  "Okay.  Let's go over it again. 
When you see Ranma, what do you do?"

     "HURT him for maltreating the lovely Akane!" Ryouga
exclaimed, pounding a fist into his open hand and bearing his
fangs.

     "No!  Were you paying attention?  That's NOT what we want to
do.  First of all, it won't work.  Second of all, we can get
others to do that for us.  The trick, I'd say, would be--"

     The sun dimmed.  Charlotte paused, looking up.  Was it
normal for the clouds to be dark brown and in a sort of grid-like
pattern?

     The net flopped down over the campsite, covering the french
girl, her yellow clad partner and their bored friend in less than
a second.  Buford snapped his head up in alarm and tried to claw
his way out, only to get tangled further in the net.

     "Gotcha!" Victor shouted, jumping out from behind the
bushes.  Ranma jumped down from the tree the net was dropped
from, looking particularly eager.  "Thought you could get away,
eh sis?  Never underestimate the power of brotherly love.  Now,
Saotome, if you'd be so good as to get me some water--"

     Ranma slammed his elbow into Victor's stomach, doubling him
over in both surprise and agony.  Victor glared up at Ranma in
disbelief, the evil sneer gone from his face.

     "THAT'S for Ukyou," Ranma said.

     Ranma reared back and SLAMMED one across Victor's cheek,
sending him flying into a tree head-first.  Victor's eyes rolled
into his head and he slept soundly.

     "And THAT'S for Akane."

     "Bravo!" Charlotte called.  "Good boy.  Now, if you could
get us untangled--"

     "I just want Ryouga," Ranma said.  "You've got some
unfinished business back home with Akane."

     Ryouga's eyes went dreamy.

     "Not that," Ranma said, noticing the look.  "If I don't get
P-Chan back home before school ends, heads will roll.  Come on
out of there."

     "Hey, what about us?" Charlotte demanded.

     "I suppose when Victor here wakes up, he'll take you guys
off wherever he's going and get out of my hair once and for all,"
Ranma said.  "Have fun."

     "Beat it, Ranma!" Ryouga demanded, trying to reach for his
backpack.  "I'm not going back just yet, and I'm NOT going to let
that guy take Charlotte away.  You're not going to ruin my plans
again!"

     "Have it your way," Ranma shrugged.  "Now, I just need some
water so I can get you home without much of a fight--"

     "RRRGHHH!" Ryouga growled, exploding into full standing
position in a flurry of rope shavings and flying bandannas.  He
cast off the yellow fabric and brown net-bits, enraged beyond the
state of simple rage.  "DIE, RANMA!"

     Ranma quickly assumed a fighting stance, as Ryouga pulled
his umbrella out.  The fight was going to be brutal, bloody
beyond bloody, a man to man match until the end.

     With a CRASH, a motor yacht grounded itself onto the shores
of the river, sending a cascading wave of river water over the
campsite.  Kunou jumped down from the deck, bokken drawn and
ready.

     "Today is the day you visit hell, Hibiki!" Kunou sneered,
advancing on the soggy wreck of Ryouga's campsite.  Kunou
blinked.

     Ryouga Hibiki was nowhere in sight.  All he could see were a
number of small pigs in a net, and...

     "PIG-TAILED GIRL!" Kunou exclaimed, overjoyed.  He dropped
his sword and immediately ran forward, embracing Ranma-chan in a
crushing hug.

     "Urggh!" Ranma-chan grunted, trying to escape Kunou's loving
caress of doom.

     "Come, let me take you away from all this madness!" Kunou
said, leaping back aboard the Lady Binsen II.  Sasuke fired up
the motor, and the yacht scraped its way back into the waters,
accompanied by the sound of a fistfight below decks.

     Victor, now reverted to his V-Chanesque form, slept beneath
the tree, dreaming little pig dreams of slop and the warm sun and
flaming, intense death upon Saotome for doublecrossing him.  P-
Chan bit at the ropes of the net, trying to free Charlotte. 
Buford did likewise, but his tusks were meant for ramming, not
cutting.

     Well, P-Chan thought, it could have been worse.

     "CHARLOTTE!" a happy voice called out from the trees.  Azusa
bounded into the room, skates dangling from her neck, and scooped
up P-Chan, hugging him to the point of blood circulation
clotting.

     "BWEEE!" P-Chan protested.

     "Hmm?  What's this?" Azusa asked, examining the two captive
piggies and the one snoozing one.  "Lisette!  Cosette!  Janette! 
MORE cute piggies!"

     Azusa hoisted the net over her shoulder, picking up V-Chan
and dropping him in with the other two.  "More for my collection! 
I couldn't be happier!"

     Azusa leapt off into the forest, newly found pigs in tow. 
High in the tokyo skies, Kunou had peaked in his punch-induced
arc and was headed back down the ground, fast.

                              *

     "Hello, welcome to-- oh, Nabiki.  Hello," Ukyou waved from
the counter.  "Can I help you?"

     "Yes... did someone come by with Ranma earlier?" Nabiki
asked.

     "Yup.  I directed them to Ryouga's camp behind the school. 
Why, did something happen to Ran-chan?"

     "Could be.  He hasn't been home all day," Nabiki said. 
"Akane was getting worried.  She thought he was hiding because he
lost P-Chan again.  I figured I'd go look for his friend.  And
him, of course."

     "Hmmm.  Here, let me close up shop and come with you," Ukyou
said, untying her apron.  She reached over and grabbed her Ukyou
Special spatula, the one hanging on a massive wall peg, and slung
it behind her back.  "Alright, let's go."

                         END - Part 3
                      (Closing theme :
     The Ballad of Ranma and Akane (Darth Vader Version))

     All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko
Takahashi.  Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT.  Charlotte and
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.