Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 5 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- Plot update, just like before. Ryouga meets Charlotte and Buford, two Jusenkyo-pig cursed types and also Charlotte's brother Victor (who is on a sister- hunt at the moment.) However, Victor looks like P-Chan when dropped in water and is turned over to Akane, giving Charlotte some free time to help out Ryouga's crush on Akane. The usual mayhem, etc, and somehow Azusa ends up pig-napping all four of the pigs. Ukyou, Nabiki and Ranma manage to break them out of Azusa's house/prison, and they split up, Ranma to give P-Chan back to Akane, Nabiki to have a chat with Victor and the other two following Nabiki quietly. -=- Nabiki tucked the black piglet under one arm, and slid open the door to the bathroom. A little hot water should do the trick, she figured... V-Chan had submitted to his fate. After all, things could be worse; he could be sleeping crushed under Akane again. That would be a fate worse than death, the pig noted, shivering. "Calm down, I'll have you back to normal in a minute," Nabiki said, running some hot water under the tap. "Here, I dug out some of Ranma's clothes before leaving. Figured they'd come in handy. I'll wait outside while you change." V-Chan bweed in agreement, and hopped to the ground. Nabiki put the cup next to him, and left. Strange girl. Unlike most of the people he had been meeting lately, she wasn't violent, constantly confused or overly affectionate. Just sort of... there. A straight poker face. Could the Tendos actually have a NORMAL offspring in their midst? Perhaps she could make a worthy pawn in his quest to bring Charlotte back home... V-Chan knocked the cup over, springing into full human form. He towelled off, slipped on some more of Saotome's hideous clothing, and walked out whistling. "A sprinkle a day," he joked. "Thanks for the water. I regret I can't stay very long--" "Hold it," she said. "I'd like to talk with you for a little while." "No time," Victor said. "Terribly sorry." "Okay," Nabiki said. "I tried. I bet all my friends at school will be disappointed to hear that I had such an influential and wealthy person such as yourself and just let him walk away... him AND his sister. I bet they'd tell some of their friends where you are, and some of their friends..." Victor paused. "You wouldn't." "Try me," Nabiki smiled. "But... it would disgrace my family name if anybody was to find out Charlotte had run away!" "And that she had dad's credit card, AND that she and you were cursed and turned into... gads, I hate to say it, common farm animals." Victor's usually smug face dropped to pure amazement. "Nice trick you pulled on Ranma, but I'm afraid you have nothing on me and I have everything on you. Now, in here, please," Nabiki motioned, gesturing to her open door. "We have financial matters to discuss." Victor nodded slowly, loping off to Nabiki's room under the heavy burden of his own shame. Nabiki, who didn't seem to give a care, skipped inside and shut the door. The two pigs who were watching from around the corner grinned. * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : A Warm Place, Halo 8, track 11) Ryouga and Akane sat on the beach. A private beach; complete with crystal blue water and foam that lapped against the shoreline with the lightest of touches. The sun was soft against the warm sand, gazing down upon the cool breezes that made the trees sway to and fro. IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT Akane, snoozing him her deck chair, leaned over, snuggling against Ryouga's shoulder. Ryouga looked up from his Grisham novel, and smiled. All was well. RANMA 1/2 : He returned to his book, but couldn't concentrate. The contact of Akane's sleeping form on his arm was just too much. He set the book down, and brushed some sand out of her hair. MARCH OF THE PIGS Then Ranma briskly stepped in, knocked Ryouga into the stratosphere and snatched Akane, diving into the ocean, never to be seen again. P-Chan woke instantly from his nightmare, ready to bwee his heart out... but Akane was still here, in her yellow cat pajamas. P-Chan calmed down, and went back to sleep. PART 5 : SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE * Buford-boar nudged the pack over to Charlotte, who zippered it open and pulled out her dress. "I STILL say those silly springs should let you keep your clothes," Charlotte complained. "It's such a bother to have to lug all this baggage around." "Who's doing the lugging? You?" Buford asked, wiping freshly-splashed warm water out of his face. "You've got no right to complain, little girl." "Someone's testy today," Charlotte said, retying her bow to accommodate her larger head size. "I can't believe you're helping out this Ryouga character," Buford said. "With you, it's always whatever seems like a good idea at a time. Want to go to the caribbean? Get Buford to haul your bag there. Victor sets a private detective on us? Buford, pound him for me. Naturally, I couldn't smack Victor around a little, even if he was standing right there and asking for it." "That's not the point of the game," Charlotte said. "We're matching plots and plans, not fists." "Then why was *I* happily wiping the mat with some wimpy private dick?" Buford asked. "It's part of the plan. Victor has to get new allies in every city. You I always have. You're a formidable pawn." "PAWN?!" Buford blurted. "Girl, I do practically everything for you, and you don't regard me higher than a stupid little painted chess piece? Ah, forget it. Carry your own bags form now on. I'm outta here." "Wh... wait!" Charlotte spoke, reaching after the exiting cowboy. "Where are you going?" "China," he said. "I'm going to track down that cure and keep it up until... well, until I find it. You may not want to be cured, but *I* do. Hasta la vista!" "Not so loud!" Charlotte insisted. "You'll wake the Tendos." "All the better. You've got plotting and planning skills; plot and plan your way out of here," Buford said, donning his hat and striding out the door, floorboards creaking. Charlotte dashed for the door, but the man was gone. Fast walker, she noted. It has been of invaluable help, when we needed to get away from a Victor-assisted lynch mob... "Bwee?" bweed a voice near her ankle. P-Chan tugged at her dress. "Oh, it's you," Charlotte said, downfallen. "Alright. Let's get you a little hot water." * "Ugh," Ryouga groaned, looking at his ruined campsite. Repeated boat crashes and net-scuffs and tidal waves had not been kind to the site. Still, a clearing was a clearing. "It'll have to do. I can't wait any longer, I need to be with Akane. I need to know your plan!" "Plan. Right," Charlotte said. "Okay." "Something wrong?" Ryouga asked. "No... yes. Buford left," Charlotte said. "He said I was treating him like a chess piece." "Weren't you?" Ryouga asked before being slapped. He spin a full three hundred and sixty degrees before falling over. "I WASN'T!" Charlotte yelled. "He was a good man, and always there to keep me out of trouble, even when we were in serious danger... he never asked to follow me around, he just started to after fishing me out of that fountain in Austin... just like a big brother... and now he's gone." "Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "No, it's okay," Charlotte said, helping Ryouga to his feet. "I was being pretty insensitive lately, ordering him around more and saying please less... I guess I drove him away. I feel like pond scum." "You're NOT pond scum," Ryouga stated. "You're one of the nicest people I've ever met, Charlotte. You like me even though I'm cursed, and even want to help me. Nobody's ever helped me before without asking for something in return. Making deals. You're the first person who hasn't tried to use me for their own agenda." "Yes I have," Charlotte said. "I mean, I'm just doing this because I love toying with people. Meddling. You could be anybody, even Ranma, or Ukyou." "You really believe that?" Ryouga asked. "I thought you liked me." "I do, Ryouga, just that... well..." The two paused, not sure what words were supposed to follow. They KNEW the words, but pretended not to. "Plan," Ryouga managed. "Plan. Yes, the plan," Charlotte said, pulling a rolled up sheet of paper out of her dress sleeve. "The plan." "How'd you fit that up there?" "Woman's secret. Okay, I took what you've been telling me the last few days and plotted it up in diagram format," she said, unrolling the paper on the driest portion of dirt she could find. Ryouga squinted at the paper. It resembled a fifty pound bag of ramen noodles in two dimensions. Circles with names in them had dozens of arrows, all point off in various directions, with various colors. "I'll translate," Charlotte said, fetching a stick to use as a pointer. "Okay. The main relationship here is Ryouga to Akane, which is in the form of not-yet-expressed love. Plus we have a back-arrow from Akane to the P-Chan circle attached to yours, of Motherly Love. In turn, we have Ranma reluctantly engaged to Akane, and vice versa, with extra fiancees that love Ranma under the circles with Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi, and 'enemy' lines between all three and Akane, plus the various seekers of Akane such as Kunou, Gosunkugi, and Mikado. Azusa wants to hug P-Chan to bits and the pig-tailed girl is chased by Kunou and Mikado. Mouse loves Shampoo and is an enemy of Ranma for that. Cologne schemes with Shampoo and Happosai's a jerk and three quarters. I have a feeling Nabiki is also twisting Victor's arm at the moment. Did I forget anything?" "Ummm... Tsubasa shows up occasionally calling in Ukyou..." Ryouga thought, trying to puzzle out the links and dialog boxes on the paper. "Ranma's mother will kill him and his father if she finds out about the curses, and Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome want Akane and Ranma together and I think Sasuke has a thing for Azusa." Charlotte perked an eyebrow. "Or so I'm told," Ryouga shrugged. "Okay. So we need to keep everybody that has an Akane-love- link or a Ryouga-hate-link away from you. Hmm. This is going to take some work." "What are these circles off to the side?" Ryouga asked, tapping the paper. "Victor, Buford and I," Charlotte said. "Extra players. Victor we can probably keep out of the picture... notice the fear link to Akane and the slave link to Nabiki. That one's speculation, of course." "I think you can assume that one," Ryouga said. "Nabiki wouldn't have singled him out if she didn't have a plan of her own." "That could be a problem. Hmm. Okay, the biggest threats here are Ranma, Nabiki, Victor and Kunou. We can use the rest of these guys to keep those four away, and that'll be that. Are you sure you can win Akane over, if you're given a clear shot?" "I don't know," Ryouga said. "I mean, I've never been given the opportunity. Whenever I'm around her... not as P-Chan, that is, she's sort of indifferent. Doesn't show any malice, but nothing beyond friend-of-Ranma's either. What if you go through all this trouble, and I screw it up? I'd have lost my one shot at this, and let you down..." Charlotte thought. "Okay, I have a solution. We'll do a rehearsal date. Nothing fancy, just a quick troubleshooting run to make sure you don't act like a male pig... err... no pun intended... or say the wrong thing. Plus, you need to be taught how to stay AWAY from water." "How can we do a rehearsal date with the rest of them around, looking after Akane?" "Not with HER, silly. That's the final mission. We'll go out tonight and do a quick run-through." "What, with you?" Ryouga asked, confused. "Of course," Charlotte said. "What, you got a problem with me?" "No!" Ryouga blurted. "Anything. I need to be prepared. Yes, preparation is good. Lead the way." "We'll stick to the basics. Food, movie, trip home. That'll cover it," Charlotte said. "Don't worry, I'm an expert. Daddums would constantly parade me for other rich brats. I know what doesn't work. Boy, do I know what doesn't work." * Ryouga sat outside the toy store, wondering what was going on. Charlotte had agreed to go on a rehearsal date... well, more like suggested it in the first place. First stop was going to be dinner, but why were they at a toy store? "Wait here," she had ordered. So Ryouga did. Anything to make sure this worked. "Alright," Charlotte said, bounding out of the store with a multicolored plastic tube slung onto her back. "What's that?" Ryouga asked. "This?" Charlotte said, sliding the tube down her shoulder and into her waiting hands. "SuperSoaker. Just a fifty, I'm afraid, but I have some refill tubes handy." "Wh... what's that for?" Ryouga asked, alarmed. "Our purpose tonight is twofold. One, to make you into Prince Charming. Two, to make sure Akane doesn't find out your little secret by training you to avoid water," she said, pumping the front barrel of the gun. "Let's see how well you dance." The stream of water shot out, Ryouga hopping on one foot to avoid it. "Hey, cut that out!" "What, are you kidding? We'll be doing this all the way to the restaurant. Heads up." Ryouga ducked as another stream shot over his head. "Argh! Get that stuff away from me!" "I've still got a hundred shots to go! Now, let's move. Ucchan's is that way," she said, pointing. A stream approached his back, edging him on. Innocent bystanders giggled to themselves at the sight of a boy in yellow being chased by a watergun-wielding girl in a blue dress. It was just like being in a wacky cartoon comedy! One bystander detached from the crowd and slinked along after the pair. He wasn't laughing. He had a job to do. END - Part 5 (Closing theme : Little Date (the no-mix mix)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.