Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 10

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     "Not again, no, no, not again..." Ranma Kuonji mumbled,
visibly shaking.  "They couldn't have... they didn't..."

     "They didn't," Ranma Saotome agreed, crouching down to
examine the debris.  "The Ministries had nothing to do with this. 
Look at the costume chunks here.  The charge of the Turn Left
brigade did this."

     "How?" Ranma K. asked.  "Why?  Until now they've just begged
Ucchan for dates... tried to sneak in and bug her... but they
never wanted to hurt her.  They're annoying, but not evil."

     "Something must have changed that behavior," Ranma said.

     "I hope she comes back okay," Ranma K. said, worried.

     Ranma paused, shredded plastic in hand.  "What do you mean
comes back?  Aren't we going after them?"

     Ranma K. stared at the open window, watching the curtains
flop back and forth in the night breeze.  "We could... but I
think Ucchan can take care of herself... plus there's the chance
of someone spotting me.  I'm not supposed to be alive, Saotome. 
It's dangerous for me to go out."

     "I can't believe you!" Ranma exclaimed, pulling himself to a
full standing position.  "You would let those THINGS haul off
your wife and not do anything other than stand around and
whimper?  You're RANMA, man!  You're supposed to go out there and
rescue the ones you love.  It's part of the job description."

     "What can I do?" Ranma K. asked.  "The Ministries have to be
behind this, they're behind everything.  When they want
something, they get it.  You can't stop them.  Why should I fight
a pointless war?  HOW can I fight a pointless war?  They've taken
Ucchan just like they took my identity, and now I'm never going
to get her back, not ever--"

     "You're certainly not going to get her back if you stand
around and whine," Ranma said.  "Come on, we've got to go after
them.  Who knows what they're doing to Ukyou?"

     "But... I... if..." Ranma K. started.  "No.  I can't."

     Ranma reared back a fist and slammed it across his
ancestor's jaw.  Ranma K. reeled around, more out of surprise
than pain, and slammed against a wall face first.

     "I don't care if you are still using my first name, you're
no Ranma," Ranma Saotome said.  "Ranma wouldn't just sit back and
LET people walk over him.  Now quit your whining, quit your
bitching about how bad your life is and FIGHT BACK, for crying
out loud.  You're a disgrace to my gene pool."

     "You've got no right talking down to me," Ranma K. spat,
some blood flowing out of his mouth in the process.  "You're not
even human, you stupid clone."

     "So I'm a clone," Ranma shrugged.  "Big deal.  I don't care
about that anymore.  I'm twice the Ranma you are.  If you don't
want to go rescue Ucchan, I will.  Go ahead and retreat into your
hole and give your life away, I for one don't give a damn
anymore."

     "What do you mean, 'give'?  It was TAKEN from me!"

     "Only because you made no efforts to get it back," Ranma
said.  "You submitted to them by letting the Ministry of
Economics ruin you without so much as a raised voice on your
part.  Now you're giving your wife over.  I hope you can live
with yourself after this.  I know I couldn't if I were in your
shoes, which I am."

     "What can I do about it?" Ranma K. said.  "What can I do to
get it all back?  It's too late for that."

     "You can't get it all, nitwit.  You had your chance at that
and blew it.  Deal.  You can still get Ukyou back, though," Ranma
said.  "A horde of ten wimpy Turn Left signs can't carry a
kicking and screaming martial artist chef very far or very fast. 
If we left right now, we could get them before she ends up
wherever she's going."

     "How would we find them?" Ranma K. asked.  "Tokyo's a huge
place, and impossible to cross without directions.  We'd need to
know where they were going to take her.  Simply stumbling through
the streets yelling 'UCCHAN!' isn't going to cut it."

     "Simple," Ranma grinned, delivering a savage kick to the
endtable behind him, which yelled out in pain.  "We ask him."

     Ranma K. blinked.  The endtable sprouted a head from under
the lampshade of the light atop it, and an arm from one of the
drawers.  "That hurt," it complained.

     "Where'd the others take Ukyou?" Ranma asked, grabbing
Tsubasa by the chin.

     "How'd you know...?" Ranma K. asked, pointing to the
endtable.

     "I followed the trail of costumes," Ranma replied, not
tearing his eyes away from Tsubasa's.  "It looked like one of
them was hiding over here, so it was just an accurate guess."

     "We took her where we were supposed to take her," Tsubasa
replied, unemotionally.

     "Which is?"

     "We're not supposed to say," Tsubasa said.

     "We could beat it out of him," Ranma K. suggested, cracking
his knuckles for sheer dramatic effect.

     "I have a better idea," Ranma said.  "Tsubasa, Ukyou-sama is
in DANGER."

     "Nonsense!" Tsubasa exclaimed, wrenching himself free of
Ranma's grip and crawling out of the bottom drawer.  Underneath
the silly furniture outfit, he had a basic schoolgirl's uniform
on, with a nice big hair bow.  "We aren't supposed to HURT Ukyou-
sama.  Just fetch her.  The Ribbon hasn't said anything about
hurting her."

     "'The Ribbon'?" Ranma K. asked.  "What's the Ribbon?"

     "Ribbon... Ribbon... I think I may know," Ranma said.  "I
need to make a call.  Can you handle our guest here for a minute
while I use your phone?"

     "I thought we were going to go look for Ucchan!"

     "We will.  I need to get more information about this first,
though," Ranma said.  "I might be able to figure out exactly
where she is.  Hold him... her... it for a second and I'll be
right back."

                              *

     Ranma pulled the crumpled slip of paper out of his backpack. 
He noticed the phone number on his Furinkan class schedule
earlier, but didn't think much of it; now he knew what it was
for.  He quickly dialed the number.

     "Basement," a voice replied on the other end of the line.

     "Put Yuriko on," Ranma demanded.

     "Excuse me?"

     "Sorry, I meant Deep Thought," Ranma replied.  The voice on
the other end nodded (invisibly to Ranma), and the line fell
silent for a few moments.

     "Status, Mr. Saotome?" Yuriko replied, coming in loud and
unclear.

     "Hinako's a bust," Ranma replied.  "I'd have to wrestle her
to the ground every day for a month to make her safe.  I think
you can color this mission a screw up."

     "I was afraid of that," Yuriko sighed.  "Alright.  Go back
home, you're already late coming home from 'school'."

     "I can't.  I need some information from you," Ranma said. 
"Are you aware of the Ministry of Peace doing any strange things
with Tsubasa extenders?"

     "You got a Tsubasa?" Yuriko asked.

     "One prisoner, nine escaped."

     "Where are you?"

     "A restaurant called Ucchan's on--"

     "I'm coming over," Yuriko said.  The line cut before Ranma
could object.  He shrugged, hung up the phone, and rejoined his
clonemate in the bedroom.

                                   *

     Halfway across town/country/totalitarian state, a delivery
girl was lost.

     Wrong Way Tendo had wandered around Tokyo for several
minutes before deciding she was lost.  The problem with this
town, she thought, was that it all looked the same.  Lots of
different buildings, lots of different signs, lots of different
streets, but the pattern was always the same.  Perhaps, she
thought, I could bring some paint and mark my trail.  Yeah, that
might work.

     For now, however, she had to ask for directions.  The clock
was ticking on her thirty minute delivery.

     She walked up to the nearest door, and knocked twice.  She
was sure she wasn't very far from 1102 Fuji Avenue, and would
just need a pointer in the right direction to complete this
delivery...

     An Akane extender answered the door.

     "Where is 1102 Fuji Avenue?" Wrong Way asked.

     "WW?" Akane replied.  "What're you doing back here?"

     "Akane?  What're you doing on Fuji Avenue?"

     "This is the pizzeria," Akane said, pointing to the clearly
marked sign reading BURN THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH.  "Did you just
wander around in a circle?"

     "I... I think I did," WW mumbled.  "Sorry to bother you..."

     "No bother," Akane smiled.  "Keep trying, you'll find it
eventually..."

     "Who's at the door?" a voice in the back asked.

     "Just a friend of mine, Ryouga," Akane called back.  "Got a
minute, WW?"

     "One, yeah," WW said, stepping into the restaurant.

     "Okay.  Wrong Way Tendo, this is Ryouga Hibiki.  Ryouga,
this is WW," Akane greeted.

     "Wrong... way?" Ryouga asked, turning the name over in his
mind several times.

     "I get lost a lot... Ryouga, right?" WW asked.  "I gotta get
back to my delivery and find Fuji Avenue.  Sorry I can't talk
more, Ryouga.  Will you be here when I get back?"

     "Actually, I know the way to Fuji Avenue!" Ryouga exclaimed,
grabbing his pack and umbrella from his chair.  "I'll take you
there."

     WW blinked.  "Really?  You mean that?"

     "Of course!" Ryouga smiled.  "Come on, follow me."

     With that, the two left the restaurant without so much as a
backward glance.  Odd, Akane thought, and went back to the table
to finish her cold pizza slice.  She hoped Ryouga didn't make WW
TWICE as lost in the process.  The two were quite similar that
way.

                              *

     "We're not telling you where Ukyou-sama is," Tsubasa
humphed, slumping back in his chair.  "That's final."

     "May I hit him?  Please?" Ranma K. asked.

     "Private party, or can anybody join in?" Yuriko asked,
walking in through the open door.  Ranma K. twisted around in
alarm, facing off with the shorter, skinnier girl.

     "Relax, Original Ranma, it's just one of my friends," Ranma
said.

     "Your door wasn't locked in any serious manner, real Ranma,"
Yuriko said to Kuonji.  "Yeah, I know who you are.  I guess
you've realized I wasn't lying to you, eh Saotome?"

     "Realized," Ranma nodded.

     "Alright, where is it?" Yuriko asked, despite the obvious.

     "It's right there," Ranma said, pointing.

     "You Tsubasa?" Yuriko asked, stepping over to the chair.

     "We are Tsubasa, yes," the boy replied, nodding with a
bounce of the hair bow.

     "Why does he keep referring to himself as a 'we'?" Ranma K.
asked.

     "Simple," Yuriko replied, grabbing Tsubasa's hair bow and
ripping it off.  The shorter boy yelped, grabbing at the air
where Yuriko held it above his head.  A wire antenna, previously
folded down with the ribbon, sprung to full length and wobbled
around.

     "What the--?"

     "Collective consciousness," Yuriko said, playing with the
antenna.  "Another of Kodachi's discarded toys.  I've known about
these guys for quite some time, but I've never been able to grab
one for questioning.  Looks like you boys have saved me the
effort.  I'll drag him down to the labs and we'll get some proof
out of the little freak."

     "We are NOT a freak!" Tsubasa pouted.

     "You can't do that," Ranma K. stated.  "We need this little
thing to lead us to a missing person.  The other nine Tsubasas
made off with her."

     "What a shame," Yuriko said.  "Ranma, you grab the
crossdresser and meet me outside, I've got a van waiting."

     "I'm going to have to agree," Ranma said, blocking the path
between Yuriko and Tsubasa.  "We need him to help us first.  Then
you can do whatever you'd like with him.  I called you down here
to see if there was any way we could make him talk... he sounded
like an MoP project, and you seem to know more about this than we
do."

     "Not really," Yuriko said.  "I know the history behind it. 
The few Tsubasa extenders that were made simultaneously decided
to work for the Ministry of Peace one day.  Despite being genetic
copies of each other, clones usually don't do things in chorus. 
These ten were doing EVERYTHING together, moving like one unit."

     "We are one unit," Tsubasa replied.

     "Anyway, I heard about these guys wearing little antennas on
the back of their heads, and got the picture," Yuriko said.  "No
proof, of course, just a theory.  For proof we'd need to get him
back to the lab."

     "We're not supposed to go off with anybody to a lab,"
Tsubasa said.  "We're also not supposed to tell you where Ukyou
is.  The Ribbon doesn't want us to."

     "The Ribbon?" Yuriko asked.

     "Ten to one says that's Kodachi," Ranma replied.  "I think
those antennas are making Tsubasa operate by remote control as
well.  Is there any way to override that?  Interrupt the signal
or something?"

     "You can't!" Tsubasa spoke out, frightened.  "If we're cut
off from the collective, we'll die!  Please, don't fiddle with
our antenna."

     "I am resisting the urge to yank the thing out by the
roots," Ranma K. said.  "Really, I am."

     "Why do you people hate us?" Tsubasa asked.  "We just want
to be with our dear Ukyou-sama."

     "Your 'dear Ukyou-sama' is married already, pal," Ranma K.
said, confronting the boy.  "She will NOT date you, no matter how
much you plead.  If you think you can kidnap her and get her that
way--"

     "Oh, we didn't want to kidnap her," Tsubasa said.  "We were
told to so we did it.  We're not dating her right now.  Ukyou-
sama is very safe with us."

     "How does he know that?" Ranma asked.

     "Collective mind," Yuriko stated.  "Probably what one
Tsubasa hears and sees is transmitted to all of them."

     "You mean they know everything we just said?!" Ranma asked. 
"They'll know we're coming!  Would Kodachi hear it too?"

     "No way," Yuriko concluded.  "If they kept constant contact
with the Ribbon, it would allow enemy agents to trace the signal. 
Single incoming bursts for orders are hard to find, but a single
beam of audio or video would be too obvious.  Still, the Tsubasas
will know.  What should we do?"

     "We could knock him out..." Ranma K. suggested.

     "We could take him back to the lab," Yuriko suggested.

     "No to both of those," Ranma said.  "We need a way to make
him... THEM cooperate and get Ukyou back.  Extenders can override
their programming if they want to, they just need to be given a
reason to fight it.  Take Ryougas for an example.  They overcome
inhibitors all the time.  What would make Tsubasa help us despite
what Kodachi's programmed him to do?"

     The three stood there, thinking.  Tsubasa grabbed his hair
bow back and readjusted it, covering the silly antenna up.

     "Tsubasa," Ranma K. said, crouching down to meet his eye
level.  "This person, the Ribbon, we know who it is.  She's a
very, very dangerous person.  She might want Ukyou to be killed."

     "The Ribbon would never do that!" Tsubasa said.  "The Ribbon
helped us achieve our harmony.  The Ribbon wouldn't betray us."

     "Does the Ribbon ask you do to things you don't want to do?"

     "Well... yes.  Occasionally.  We didn't want to jump in here
with tasers and take Ukyou-sama.  It's not nice.  We always were
hoping she'd come with us because she loved us..."

     "So what makes you think that you can trust the Ribbon?"
Ranma K. asked.

     Tsubasa thought about this.  "Hmm.  You may be right.  We're
consulting ourselves now about it.  Please wait."

     "Make sure you guys don't say anything aloud, at least not
the other nine," Yuriko requested.  "If the Ribbon picked Ukyou's
holding place, she's probably got it bugged.  Tell yourself to
act casual."

     The others stood around the room, waiting, as Tsubasa simply
sat in his chair and stared into space.

     "I don't know if this trick will work," Yuriko commented.

     "It's not a trick," Ranma K. said without joy.  "What do you
think Kodachi uses these guys for?"

     "Well..." Yuriko thought.  "They're the most efficient team
ever made.  They're masters of disguise.  I'd say covert
operations."

     "She wouldn't be ORDERING them to attack the restaurant
every day, then," Ranma K. said.  "The Ministry of Peace doesn't
care about this place.  Odds are the Tsubasas do that on their
own, and it eats up time Kodachi could use having them do
something else.  The easiest way to remove their pursuit of
Ucchan is to remove Ucchan."

     "REMOVE UCCHAN?!" Tsubasa yelped, breaking his silence. 
"But... the Ribbon... your logic is sound, we can see how that
might be.  We don't like that one bit.  But you don't understand,
we can't tell you where she is!  The Ribbon specifically said,
'Do not tell anybody where you have put Ukyou'.  We're INCAPABLE
of telling you, and if we tried, we might burn out our minds! 
What can we do?  We don't want Ukyou-sama dead!"

     "She might not kill Ucchan," Ranma K. theorized.  "She might
just hold her hostage and torture her to force you guys to
cooperate."

     "That's horrible!"

     "So's Kodachi.  Now if you want to save her, you've got to
tell us where she is!" Ranma Saotome demanded.

     "We have an idea!" Tsubasa said, smiling.  "We shall protect
Ukyou-sama.  We won't let anybody into the place we're keeping
her."

     "Can you do that?" Ranma asked.  "You said you had to do
anything the Ribbon told you to do.  She could ask you to go home
or stand aside as her own troops moved in."

     Tsubasa broke into a sweat.  "That won't work?  But... if
that won't work... ARGH!  We don't know what else we can do!"

     "Idea," Yuriko stated.  "Note.  Dynamic mental orders aren't
an exact science.  Dormant implants can cover almost any
ambiguity, but in order to give the Tsubasa horde commands in
real time, the software must not be very flexible.  It can't
interpret beyond the obvious interpretation.  What we need,
gentlemen, are holes in the Ribbon's orders that we can slip
through."

     "The Ribbon's exact words were 'Do not tell anybody where
you have put Ukyou'," Tsubasa said.  "We don't see any holes in
that."

     "Tell.  Keyword," Yuriko said, snapping her fingers. 
"Tsubasa, you don't have to TELL us.  Write it down."

     "Is writing the same thing as telling?" Tsubasa asked the
Ranmas.  They shook their heads.

     "We will write it down for you," Tsubasa nodded.  He grabbed
a pen and paper out of his collapsed endtable disguise, and
scribbled off some words.  "We will come with you to help you
protect Ukyou-sama."

     "Gentlemen, I've got a van outside," Yuriko said, snatching
the paper away once Tsubasa was done with it.  "Let's get
moving."

                              *

     "Are you SURE this is Fuji Avenue?" Wrong Way Tendo asked,
hiking up the pizza boxes in her grip.

     "Positive," Ryouga said.

     "Good.  We've got two minutes left before this pizza's
free," Wrong Way said.  "I've never delivered a pizza in less
than a half hour in my short life... I'd love to get one in on
time, just once."

     "Here's house 1102!" Ryouga said, pointing to the numbers on
the door.  "Ta da!"

     WW grinned happily and skipped up to the door, knocking
twice.  Ryouga hung back and sat on the curb, waiting for her to
finish the delivery.

     She seemed like a nice girl, Ryouga thought.  She had more
spunk than most Akane extenders Ryouga knew, at least...

     He thought about Akane's claims from earlier.  He didn't
believe she was the original Akane Tendo, of course.  That was
ridiculous.  The real Akane died in a bomb explosion.  However,
it could be that someone else had removed her inhibitors... did
he really have his Akanes mixed up?  He had traced the work order
over an extensive path, but was confident he had the right one in
the end...

     WW loped over to curb, and slumped down against it, still
carrying the pizza box.  "It's the wrong street."

     "What?" Ryouga asked, shocked.  "I thought..."

     "It's too late," WW said, flashing her Sailor Moon watch at
Ryouga.  "The pizza's free.  I guess I screwed up again."

     "It was my fault, not yours," Ryouga said.  "I thought I
knew where Fuji Avenue was.  I guess I was wrong.  Damn my sense
of direction!"

     "I would never have been able to find it either," Wrong Way
said.  "My sense of direction is kaput too.  I guess two wrongs
don't make a right, huh?  I feel like such a putz."

     "Come on, getting lost doesn't make you a putz," Ryouga
said.  "It's a problem, sure, but like all problems it can be
overcome so you can get on with your life."

     "I wonder if I got shipped to the wrong location because my
aura of lostness enveloped my packing crate," WW mused.  "Since
then I've had no real name, no real home, no real boyfriend, and
probably soon I'm not going to have a job either.  This is
awful."

     Ryouga patted the girl on the back, trying to comfort her. 
"It's not THAT bad.  Do what I do.  Break something.  You'll feel
a lot be... oh."

     "Oh what?"

     "You can't," Ryouga said.  "I forgot.  Inhibitors."

     "What's an inhibitor?"

     "The public doesn't know about them," Ryouga replied. 
"They're plugs put in every extender that keep them from breaking
the law.  Haven't you ever noticed that extenders are fairly
docile?"

     "Yeah, I have," WW said.  "But I've never had that problem."

     "Huh?"

     "I bend the law all the time," Wrong Way said.  "Come on,
half of them are just silly.  The other half are important but
can be slipped by occasionally without too much harm."

     "But it's impossible," Ryouga said.  "Extenders just can't
break the law."

     "Here, I'll prove it," Wrong Way said, getting up and
walking across the street.  She stopped at the other side, and
turned around.  "I just jaywalked."

     "Big deal," Ryouga said.  "That's minor."

     WW hmphed, and casually ripped a nearby mailbox out of the
ground.  She tried a few warm up swings and casually slammed it
against the asphalt, denting the metal severely.

     Ryouga gaped.  "How..."

     "Hey, don't ask me, you're the guy who knows what an
inhibitor is," WW said, tossing the mailbox aside and jaywalking
across the street to join Ryouga again.  "Pulling mailboxes is
easy.  Akanes are rather strong, you know.  Supposedly we can do
martial arts as well.  Runs in the family.  I remember the time
when Nabiki kicked this guy in the groin--"

     "You know Chairwoman Nabiki?" Ryouga asked, shocked.

     WW paused.  "No, I don't.  Funny.  Where'd that thought come
from, anyway?"

     Ryouga fell over.

     Wrong Way yelped and quickly helped the boy back up to his
feet.  "Whoa, Ryouga-kun, what's wrong?"

     "Nothing," Ryouga smiled dreamily.  "Absolutely nothing."

                              *

     The van rumbled along the streets, Yuriko swerving madly
around the waves of taxis and bicycles.

     "Share the road, you pigs!" she shouted to the drivers as
the van careened.  "Honestly, some drivers are so RUDE."

     "Let's go over it one more time," Ranma K. said.  "Tsubasa,
what were the EXACT orders the Ribbon gave tonight?"

     "First the Ribbon said 'Go to the Ucchan's.  There are
tasers behind the restaurant.  Use them to stun Ukyou and bring
her to (can't say) as fast as you can.'  'Do not tell anybody
where you have put Ukyou.'  Then once we arrived she said 'Hold
Ukyou and wait.'  There haven't been any other messages.  The
Ribbon probably doesn't know we're coming."

     "She will once we get there," Ranma Saotome said.  "If she
picked the location, she's likely got the place kinked for audio
or video.  We're going to have to get inside, grab Ukyou and
run."

     "But we were told to hold her and wait!"

     "Look at it this way.  She didn't say HOW LONG to wait,"
Ranma K. said.  "Maybe that time period is up."

     "Great!" Tsubasa cheered.  "This might work.  We wish we
didn't have to listen to the Ribbon.  At least now we know we can
look around the commands."

     "You know, you could interpret that as 'hold Ukyou' and just
have them carry her out," Ranma smirked.  "Save us the trouble."

     "I don't want them pawing her," Ranma K. said.  "We'll go
with interpreting 'wait'."

     "We wouldn't 'paw' Ukyou-sama," Tsubasa said, insulted. 
"We're not perverts.  We love Ukyou-sama."

     "No, you love an icon.  It's like you're Ucchan groupies or
fanboys," Ranma K. said.  "Hanging around like little puppy dogs,
ignoring the wishes of the person you're revering as a living
god.  What do you know about Ucchan, anyway?"

     "She's cute and caring and cooks well."

     "Hey, you just described me," Yuriko laughed, honking the
horn at some pesky pedestrians.

     "In other words, jack," Ranma K. said.  "Tsubasa, you're not
in love, you're obsessed.  It's not going to get you anywhere and
it's ruining her life and business."

     "She'll realize sooner or later that we're the right ones
for her," Tsubasa said, words heavy like stone writing.  "It's
just a matter of time."

     "Can we argue about this later?" Ranma Saotome suggested. 
"We need to get her out of there first, wherever there is. 
Yuriko, where're we going?"

     "Here," Yuriko replied, twisting the wheel sharply to the
left.  The van shuddered to a halt outside the large four-
charactered sign of Ikea, tires scraping against the cheap
pavement.

     "Jeez, Yuriko, where'd you learn to drive?" Ranma asked,
picking himself off the van's floor.

     "Learn?" Yuriko asked.  "They have classes?"

     "The others are in here," Tsubasa said.  "There are cameras
all over the place.  Normal security on the store, really, but
the Ribbon is patched into them.  We know because she told us to
move Ukyou to a specific part of the store."

     "Where?" Ranma asked.

     "We can't say," Tsubasa reminded.  "Come on.  We're ready."

     "What kind of a store is this?" Ranma asked.

                              *

     "Furniture," Ranma K. grumbled.

     Packed from floor to roof and all over the layout of the
cavernous outlet store was furniture.  Chairs, tables, chest of
drawers, lamps, dressers, beds.  All sorts of furniture from
metal to plastic to fireproofed wood.

     "We like it here," Tsubasa said.  "We can practice."

     "Can you point in the direction Ukyou's in?" Ranma K. asked.

     "No," Tsubasa replied.

     "Eh?  Why not?"

     "We just got a new order," Tsubasa said, fear creeping into
his voice.  "I'm sorry."

     Tsubasa scampered off down the aisles and aisles of living
room ornaments, as fast as his feet would carry him inside the
silly outfit.

     "Damn.  After him!  Don't let him get away!" Ranma K.
demanded, charging across the store after him.

     It was too late.  Tsubasa dived behind a sofa, and as the
others approached it, they found nothing but love seats.  The boy
had melded with the display with unnerving accuracy.

     "Ukyou-sama is in trouble!" a Tsubasa voice called from
fifteen feet away.  The trio span around, trying to track the
source, until another piped in from nine o'clock.  "We can't say
where she is, and we're supposed to attack you." "The Ribbon is
sending people over to hurt Ukyou-sama!" "Find Ukyou-sama,
please!" "Hide from us!  We can't stop ourselves!" "HELP!"

     "Where the hell are they?" Ranma K. asked, whirling around,
trying to find the voices.

     "All around us," Yuriko replied.  "Embedded in the displays. 
As anything.  I think my chance of bagging one for evidence just
went out the window..."

     "We've got to find Ucchan," Ranma K. said.  "Where could she
be?"

     "It'd take DAYS to search this place, man," Ranma said. 
"We'd never find her."

     "I don't care how long it takes, we're gonna find her,"
Ranma K. said.  "I'm not giving up that easily, not when I've
come this far.  Start looking around.  Look under, over, and
inside anything that can be looked under, over and inside."

     "I'm out of here," Yuriko said, starting for the door.

     "Hold it, missy, you're not going anywhere," Ranma K.
ordered.

     "Bud, if I get caught by the Ministry of Peace, heads will
roll," Yuriko said.  "I've got orders.  I'll be out by the van. 
If you chaps aren't done in here in ten minutes or if I spot
anything red and gun-laden I peel.  Try to bring back one of the
little rugrats for me as well as this Ucchan person, okay?"

     "Why, I oughtta--" Ranma K. started, before Ranma stuck an
arm in his path.

     "Skip it," Ranma said.  "We don't hit girls."

     "Yeah, yeah, I know," Ranma K. said.  "Alright.  If I was a
crazed pervert in a chair disguise, where would I put Ucchan?"

     "We're NOT perverts!" a voice from above called.  Ranma K.
looked up just in time to spot a barcalounger hitting him on the
head.

     The disguise splintered away, the impact being absorbed by
RK's forehead.  The other Ranma reeled around, as the Tsubasa
inside jumped out and dove for the nearest mirror display.

     "That little bastard..." Ranma K. cursed, wiping blood from
his nose.

     "INCOMING!" Ranma shouted, as a desk lamp shot through the
air at head level.  The two boys ducked, and it crashed into the
mirrors, shattering them; a Tsubasa screamed in pain, cursed at
himself, and scampered across the aisle into a dresser setup.

     "You little punks!" Ranma K. shouted after the escaping
Tsubasa.  "You claim you love my Ucchan and you screw with us
like this?  Give us a clue!  Her life's on the line!"

     "A clue?" a bed asked, rolling along at 20 MPH.  Ranma K.
pulled Ranma S. out of the way, and it crashed harmlessly into a
lamp section with a minimal amount of shattered light bulbs.

     "A clue!  Yes!  Anything!"

     "Ukyou's in her natural habitat!" an endtable shouted,
swinging by on a power cable.  The endtable clipped Ranma Saotome
on the back of the shoulder, but he managed to regain his balance
to avoid the after swing.

     "That's not much of a clue!" Ranma yelled back as the
endtable fell to the ground, a Tsubasa bouncing from it like a
rabbit in the grass.

     "Actually, it's a great clue," Ranma K. grinned evilly. 
"Come on, I know where she is."

                              *

     Yuriko tapped the wheel, perusing her magazine while the
radio cranked out some generic pop song.  Cute voice, bouncy
tone, the word 'heart' inserted in sixteen places.  Certainly
number one material.

     She was busy circling the recipes when she noticed the red
van pull up, three Ministry of Peace officers spilling out and
taking defensive positions around the vehicle.

     That was her cue to hightail it.  Yuriko started to go for
the gas... but... oh, come on, RANMA was in there.  She couldn't
exactly let the little moron get himself killed like that.  He
was too useful.

     So, instead, she grabbed a Ministry of Economics issue
rocket launcher out of the back seat, leaned out of the van
window, and blew the MoP transport to hell.

     She tossed the smoking launcher in the back seat and resumed
picking out recipes.  That's another one you owe me, Saotome. 
She skipped over the dessert section; she'd already tried those.

                              *

     They found her in Kitchenware and Barbecue.

     "Holy..." Ranma gaped.

     Ukyou was dangling from a ceiling-mounted crane, the kind
typically used to lift furniture buys from heavily congested
areas.  She was out cold, her spatula handle hanging from her
back like a third leg as her limp form spun silently on the
hook's chain.

     The whole assembly was poised over an open fire, roaring in
an expensive Safety Approved Backyard Barbecue Pit.  Ukyou
sweated in her sleep, fire well below her, but nevertheless below
her.  The controls for the hook hung against the far wall, across
the pit, across the Turn Left brigade.

     "You bastards!" Ranma K. insulted the various chairs, tables
and information signs poised around the pit, guarding it.  "I
thought you weren't going to hurt Ucchan!"

     "We don't want to!" one said.  "We can't stop ourselves! 
The Ribbon knows you've made it this far, and that someone
outside stopped her soldiers... oh god..."

     "What?  WHAT?!"

     The Tsubasas shifted around uncomfortably.  "No!  We don't
want to kill Ukyou-sama!  Ribbon-san, don't make us!"

     Ranma K. freaked.  He charged headlong for the pit, but was
intercepted by a dresser which scooted in his way.  He ducked
around, trying to swerve his way over to Ukyou, but the Tsubasas
were running on full remote now; they couldn't let him pass.

     "LEMME THROUGH!" Ranma K. yelled.  A Tsubasa near the back,
dressed in a basic schoolgirl's uniform, jumped for the hanging
control box, and pushed the button for UP, raising himself and
Ukyou out of reach.

     The other Tsubasas fell over, one by one, grunting and
groaning from the pain of trying to disobey their orders.  The
clone on the control box clung to it for dear life, kicking his
legs and trying to avoid going near the RELEASE button.

     Ranma's mind, reeling from the scene before him, surged back
with useful information.  "TSUBASA!  All of you!  They're just
inhibitors, like any others!  You can fight them!  Ryougas do it,
Akanes do it, any extender can.  Fight back!"

     "HURTS!" one of the Tsubasas yelled.

     "It's either that or Ukyou-sama dies," Ranma reasoned.  "You
have to choose."

     Ranma K. paused in trying to jump and reach Ukyou, as he
noticed the Tsubasas begin to smoke.  One by one, tiny wisps of
frying circuits floated from their heads, antennas sparking.  The
noise was horrible; not from the antennas, but from the Tsubasas,
who were writhing in agony mortal man couldn't comprehend.  Each
Tsubasa, each member of the group, feeding to the collective pain
of sheer willpower...

     Finally, the antennas gave a sick yellow spark and died out. 
The air hung thick with the smell of melted brainpan and toasting
Ucchan.  The Tsubasa on the control box fell off, inadvertently
hitting the RELEASE button on his way down.

     "UCCHAN!" Ranma K. screamed, diving for the fire pit.  He
impacted against Ukyou's dead weight, pushing her to safety.

     Ranma K. landed on the other side of the pit, but not all of
him.  His pants caught on fire instantly.

     Ranma Saotome was at his side in an instant, trying to pat
out the fires.  Ranma K. made no noise; he was too busy trying to
put the flames out to worry about the pain.  Quickly, the black
haired Ranma pulled one of his remaining thermoses out and doused
the other down, putting out the inferno long enough to squelch it
for good.

     The store was unreasonably quiet after that.

     "Ucchan," Ranma K. muttered, reaching weakly for the
unharmed girl.

     "Can you walk?" Ranma asked.

     "I... I somehow doubt it," Ranma K. grunted.  "We've got to
get out of here--"

     "I know, I know," Ranma said.  "Hang on, I've got an idea."

                              *

     Yuriko hummed the last notes of the song incorrectly and
finished her magazine.  Those ones might work, she reasoned,
pocketing the magazine.  She'd have to worry about translating
them later.

     A flurry of pounding directed her attention to the rear door
of the van.  She grabbed a pistol from underneath the dash, and
approached the doors cautiously, picking her way around the
seats.

     She kicked the doors open, and waved the gun around, ready
to shoot anything red she saw.

     "Whoa!" Ranma said.  "Calm down, Yuriko.  We gotta get out
of here."

     With a grunt of effort, Ranma hefted the tiny twin bed into
the van, wheeling the two unconscious spouses in with it, pushed
in close to keep them from falling off.

     "Gee, it's just what I've always wanted," Yuriko said,
tossing the gun away.  "What about Tsubasa?  We need one of him."

     "Yuriko, in one minute, this store is gonna be SWARMING with
bad people toting guns," Ranma reminded her.  "Let's call it a
day and get the hell out of here, okay?"

     "Couldn't have said it better myself," she grinned, hopping
back to the driver's seat and flooring it.  Ranma was pressed
against the wall as Yuriko spun a full U-turn in the narrow
street.  The two on the bed wobbled around, but stayed put.

     "Lucky buggers," Yuriko laughed.  "Even after that whole
affair they find time for a roll in the hay."

     "Wow, Yuriko the Hentai!" Ranma smirked, moving himself over
to the passenger seat.  "Who'd have known?  Jealous of her?"

     Yuriko went pale.  "Gods, no.  Most CERTAINLY not.  Just
trying to make a little humor, Saotome."

     "He'll be okay," Ranma commented.  "I think he's finally got
it through his head that there are some things worth fighting
for.  Can you see to it that no Ministry twerps come looking for
them?"

     "I'll see what I can do," Yuriko said.  "Ministry of Data
contacts are terrif about keeping certain people out of the
limelight.  So, Saotome, what was it like?  Meeting yourself?"

     "Not what I'd expected," Ranma commented.  "But on the
whole, it could have been worse."

     The van roared away into the night, turning geometry on its
ear as it progressed through the Nerima cityscape.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.10
                         Private use only