Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 13

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ranma's eyes groggily slid open.

     He was beginning to get sick of being knocked out.  Recently
in his life he had been tasered, gassed, punched, and otherwise
battered into varying states of unconsciousness.  The warm,
sloppy silence that was a blackout was becoming a familiar
feeling for him; now he was being pulled out of the muck and
dragged into the air again.

     "Saotome, you alive in there?" Yuriko asked, peeling one of
his eyes open and staring into it.  "You might wish you weren't. 
Don't get up, don't talk, we had to do a spot of brain surgery to
get the antenna out.  I have bad news."

     Ranma tried to nod, failed, and continued staring at the
ceiling.

     "Bad news part one.  Akane's still missing.  I checked back
at the dojo and at the pizzeria and even Gosunkugi's house, no
luck.  Last time she was seen was at the pizzeria, where she got
a phone call and promptly left."

     Huh?  Who would call Akane? Ranma wondered.  Her only friend
besides himself was the pizza girl, and she was right there...

     "I tried to check with Ryouga, but he was lost.  The girl
said he'd left a day ago to deliver a pizza."

     A day ago?  How long had Ranma been out?

     "Bad news part two.  You've been out for three days."

     Ranma's mind swirled as he panicked, trying to sit up.  A
force of many newtons pushed him back down.

     "Dammit, Saotome, I said DON'T MOVE.  We kludged up a bit
trying to get the antenna out and you're not going to be in good
shape for a few hours yet.  Sorry, but what can I say, we had to
improvise since we didn't have access to the files Happousai did
about those antennas... you'll recover, though.  Think you're
strong enough to talk?"

     Ranma nodded his eyes, the only part of him that would move.

     "Okay.  I'll get the breathing tube out.  Hold still unless
you want your throat scraped up.  Take three deep breaths, and
hold that third one..."

     Ranma inhaled three times, and a snake of plastic was
forcibly pulled from his lungs, trailing out with a bit of blood
and spit dripping from it.  Yuriko leaned over him, suctioning
the mess away, and Ranma felt a needle enter his arm.

     "Mel said this would get you up and about, but I don't
recommend pushing it," she said, pulling the needle away. 
Strength flowed through Ranma's body, powering just enough to
groan.  "The guy has been known to mix his own cocktails for 24
hour work shifts..."

     "Three days?" Ranma asked, in a raspy voice.

     "Three days.  Nabiki was extremely pissed at me for letting
Happousai bite it and demanded that *I* sit by your bedside the
whole time.  I've had sneak out occasionally to search for Akane. 
Nabiki said she'd stick you on a mission the minute you woke
up... 'but Nabiki', I say, 'the dork is in critical condition
after brain surgery.'  Like SHE cares.  That girl would sell her
own sister to the beast if it meant getting what she wanted."

     "So what do we do now?" Ranma asked.

     "Sit around and wait for her to schlep us off on the last
lead," Yuriko shrugged.  "Terrific, huh?  I wish I never signed
up with Ministry of Economics.  I was perfectly happy to be doing
boring work for the rest of my life, tinker with hobbies, look
for a good date and fail time and time again... but no, I had to
pursue the danger money..."

     A phone rang out of Ranma's vision range.  "That'd be her,"
Yuriko said, and picked it up.  "Get your butt out of bed, we're
probably going to be moving out soon... Hello, Basement.  Yeah? 
WHAT?!?  AND YOU WAITED AN HOUR TO TELL ME?!"

     Yuriko slammed the phone down, tiny bell inside its plastic
core ringing a second time from the impact.  "It wasn't her.  Get
up, Saotome.  You're going home.  Guess who just came a-knockin'
at the family dojo."

                              *

     "Oh, that phone call?  It was a wrong number," Akane said.

     "She decided to head home after that, but bumped into
someone named Ryouga who wanted to escort her," Genma finished. 
"You weren't here for the whole story, boy.  In fact, where HAVE
you been lately?"

     "Around," Ranma said.

     "You look awful," Genma said.  "You should train more!"

     "Let's give the training a rest for awhile," Ranma said,
remembering the rubbery feeling in his legs as he stumbled his
way to Yuriko's van, the snotty little girl urging him to hurry
up.  'I'll stay away for tonight so you can recover and get the
story from Akane, but I want a full report in the morning,' she
ordered before driving off at twice the speed limit...

     "Anyway," Akane continued, "Ryouga eventually dropped me off
here, and your father was nice enough to let me in..."

     "YOU should have brought her home, boy," Genma said sternly.

     "Whatever, pop.  So... umm... Akane.  About earlier..."

     "About what?" Akane asked, confused.

     "You know.  What happened."

     "Don't worry about it," Akane said.  "It's in the past."

     "..." Ranma started.

     "May I please have something to drink?" Akane asked, turning
to Genma.  "It's been a long night and I'm very parched..."

     "Certainly, Akane-chan!" Genma grinned, getting up.  "I'll
get you two some sodas."

     "What do you mean, 'it's in the past'?" Ranma asked,
ignoring his father's absence.  "Come on, you were yelling about
how much you hated me and you stormed out, never to return again! 
That's hardly something you can just brush off..."

     "You want me to be angry?" Akane asked, confused.

     "Well... no.  But I'M still pretty mad!  I mean, you threw
me through a WALL, you tomboy!  I thought some asylum escapee had
snuck into my bathroom and decided to let out his childhood
anxieties on me, and it turned out to be my FIANCEE."

     "I'm sorry," Akane said in a mousy voice.

     "And here you were slapping me-- what?" Ranma stopped in mid
sentence.

     "Sorry," Akane offered again.  "I didn't mean it..."

     "You're sorry?"

     "Yes... I can understand if you won't accept my apology..."

     "I'll accept it, of course," Ranma said, "Since it's
deserved, but I honestly wasn't expecting one... Akane, are you
feeling alright?"

     "Yup!" she chirped.  "I feel great."

     "Great," Ranma repeated.

     "Yeah... it's like a weight has been lifted off my
shoulders.  I know I've really been mean to you, and I shouldn't
have been... I'm so glad that you've forgiven me.  I was really
cruel."

     "Not THAT cruel," Ranma protested.  "I mean, it wasn't
totally unwarranted... I wasn't very nice to you either..."

     "But I deserved it!" Akane interjected.  "I shouldn't have
acted that way to you.  After all, your family did help me enter
this world, I owe a lot to you, and I repaid that in insults. 
I'm sorry."

     "You really aren't acting like yourself, Akane," Ranma
noted, a hint of suspicion entering his voice.  "What's wrong?"

     "Nothing!" Akane pleaded.  "I'm fine.  I just, well, did
some thinking.  Got straightened out.  I honestly didn't like the
way things were going, and I decided to do something to change
that... so I apologized.  And you accepted, right?"

     "Right, yeah..."

     "Then we're alright, right?" Akane asked.  "We've got to
start over here.  Scrap what happened before and rebuild from the
ground up.  I don't want to be in that horrible abusive
relationship anymore."

     "I kinda liked that horrible abusive relationship," Ranma
half-joked.  "Start over, though?  I mean, I guess it's
possible... it would be nice not to have to yell all the time..."

     "So I stop calling you a violent tomboy and you stop calling
me a stupid hentai and everything'll be okay," Ranma summarized.

     "That's the gist of it.  Please?  I'd like to try it..."

     Ranma noticed for the first time that Akane had been
carefully edging her way around the table, until she was right
next to him.  Practically touching.  He panicked briefly, half
expecting the slap to ring down... but it never came.

     "Err, Akane, could you, umm, move over?" Ranma asked.

     "Why?"

     "It's kinda, well..."

     "Strange?" Akane offered.  "I know... I'm just trying to be
nice.  Friendlier to you."

     "Maybe this is moving a little fast," Ranma decided.  "Maybe
we should just start with--"

     That's when Akane reached out, embraced Ranma and kissed him
full on the lips, to the tune of glasses of soda breaking on the
floor as Genma entered the room.

                              *

     "For god's sakes, dad, get a bucket already," Ranma
suggested, tossing Genma the last tissue in the box.

     "I can't help it... I'm so HAPPY!" Genma said.  "My son
finally seeing the true path and accepting his engagement.  What
a beautiful moment... if only your mother could have been here to
see this..."

     "Something's wrong," Ranma said.

     "Nothing's wrong, m'boy!  You two have finally seen the
error of your ways.  You're in bliss, son, be blissful already."

     "I can't believe she actually KISSED me..."

     "She knows rugged good looks when she sees them."

     "No.  There's more to this than that," Ranma said.  "I think
something's wrong with Akane.  I don't want to accept things at
face value.  It's too dangerous."

     Genma stopped his crying.  "Boy, you've got the opportunity
here to live happily ever after, and DAMMIT, you're going to. 
Now I don't want to hear any nonsense about something being wrong
with Akane; everything's finally right, you're just having cold
feet.  Now go help her plan your wedding."

     "Wedding?" Ranma gulped.

     "Akane's all for it, from what she was telling me earlier,"
Genma nodded.  "She says it's only fair, considering that we paid
for her."

     "Akane doesn't even think she's an extender."

     "She's seen the truth, m'boy.  And if you don't see it soon,
I'll MAKE you see it.  Got it?"

     "Uh-huh," Ranma nodded, unconcerned.  "Now what's this about
a wedding?"

     "She was picking out dresses in a nice wedding catalogue
earlier.  I had bought it when I bought her, hoping the two would
go together, but the delay urged me to toss it... fortunately it
wasn't collected by Ministry of Sanitation yet.  After you ran
off to wash your mouth out," Genma said, with an evil glare, 
"She told me she was going back to the dojo to keep reading it."

     "I was wondering where she went.  Look, I'll go talk to her,
but I'm not promising anything.  Got it?"

     "Don't make it any harder on yourself than it already has
been, boy.  If you blow this opportunity, your father will NOT be
happy."

     "Lord knows my only mission in life is to make dad happy,"
Ranma mocked, headed towards the dojo.

                              *

     Akane leafed through page after page, examining the dresses
with dull interest.  The odd orange peel and coffee stain
decorated some of the frilly numbers, and the catalog generally
smelled; but she didn't mind.  She could put up with it.

     "Is it safe to enter?" Ranma asked, leaning in from the
hallway.

     "Ranma-kun!  Of course.  Come on in."

     Ranma nodded, and cautiously entered.  "You're not gonna
pounce, are you?"

     Akane dropped her smile like a bad habit.  "I was afraid of
this.  I KNEW that would be a little too forward... it just
seemed right, though.  I'm sorry."

     "It's okay, sheesh, just don't lip lock without asking first
next time.  If there is a next time.  So you want to get married,
huh?"

     "Of course!  We are fiancees."

     "Funny, you acted earlier as if you'd rather eat razor
blades than marry me.  Like you'd rather jump off a skyscraper
and have your eyelid catch on a nail.  Like you'd--"

     "I told you, I wisened up!" Akane protested.  "Come on,
Ranma, I know how I used to act and I can't stand the thought of
it.  All those wasted opportunities.  I've changed; if you can't
accept that and still hate me, then... well..."

     Akane sniffled.  Ranma recognized the sniffle, and was back
with another hanky box before the first rains hit the floor.

     "You're right, you've changed," Ranma said, pulling tissues
for Akane.  "I can tell.  You would have committed seppuku before
crying in front of me before."

     "*sniff* Sorry..."

     "ARGH!  Stop apologizing!  Man, Akane, where'd your spirit
go?  I mean, sure, you were a violent tomboy who picked on me and
was rude and unpleasant et cetera et cetera, but you at least
carried yourself with a little more dignity than THIS..."

     "I don't know what to do!" Akane complained.  "I thought
you'd like me better this way, and it seemed like the only thing
to do... why are you being so mean to me?"

     "Sorry, force of habit.  Look, I understand you wanting
things to go better between us.  I do too.  But you might be
going about this the wrong way.  Let's just sleep on it and see
what tomorrow brings, okay?  No dresses, no plans, no tongue
attacks, just some rest and discussion later.  How's that sound?"

     "Okay," Akane sniffled, wiping up the last of her tears. 
"Let's go.  Which room is it?"

                              *

     "SHE DID WHAT?!" Yuriko screamed, slamming Ranma against a
wall with extremely unimpressive force.

     "She crawled into bed and slept with me," Ranma said,
unharmed by the attack.  "I wasn't expecting it, frankly, but she
said we were engaged and she wanted to be near me... I tried to
argue the point but she sniffled a bit and I decided to let it
slide."

     "You so much as TOUCHED her, Saotome..."

     "Relax, Yuriko, I'm not a hentai," Ranma replied.  "Rest
assured I slept on the last three millimeters of the bed the
entire night.  You wanna lay off the outfit now?  It's not like
your little show of force is doing anything."

     Yuriko let go, casting Ranma a look normally reserved for
tax collectors and high school bullies.  "So Akane's gone the way
of total personality reversal?"

     "Exactly.  I don't know what to think about this.  I mean,
yeah, it's nice to have Akane be nice, but this is a little TOO
nice to be nice.  You see."

     "I want to see this Akane," Yuriko said.  "Something's
rotten in Denmark and if my suspicion is right, we're in a lot of
trouble."

     "Mind telling me that suspicion?  No, never mind, you just
love keeping your motives secret.  For instance, and I ask this
for quite possibly the seventeenth time, why do you care about
Akane?  You a distant cousin of hers or something?"

     "Of course not."

     "You're a missing Tendo sister?"

     "That's ridiculous."

     "Alien from outer space who wants to collect human samples?"

     "PLEASE."

     "Are you a lesbian?"

     Yuriko make a fist and swung wildly at Ranma, missing by
almost a foot.  "Don't you EVER say that again, Ranma.  I'm as
hetero as the next g-girl."

     "So then what's the hassle?"
     
     "You don't even know who Akane is, do you?" Yuriko asked,
pacing around the garage floor.  "The clues are right in front of
your face.  Even the THEORY.  You just lack the one puzzle piece
that I have.  Look, I'll show it to you visually, I don't trust
your mental capacities to grasp it verbally.  Go back to the
dojo, get Akane, bring her here."

     "What, on your say so?  No more reason than that?"

     "You want the truth, you pay the price.  Bring her.  I'll go
get the equipment out of the van."

     Ranma shrugged, and headed off.  At no great speed, mind
you, taking his own sweet time.  Yuriko cursed him under her
breath.  WHY did that boy have to take such serious matters with
such impudence?  From the very beginning, well, even before the
beginning, Ranma was casual about EVERYTHING.  Now that Yuriko
had to work side by side with him instead of being an occasional
acquaintance this attitude was becoming more and more annoying...
If only she hadn't suggested using him to Nabiki...

     If only she had never hooked up with Nabiki in the first
place is more like it.  Maybe then her life wouldn't have taken
the incredible... and permanent... twist it had taken.

                              *

     "I don't understand," Akane complained, dragged along the
asphalt floor of the garage.  "If we're going on a date, why come
to this awful stinky garage?"

     "I'll explain later, Akane-chan," Ranma fake-beamed. 
"YURIKO!  Over here!"

     Yuriko looked up from the small mountain of electronics she
had hauled out of her van, parked conveniently in the next space. 
"Ah, there you are.  Come on, hurry up, we don't have all
century."

     "I brought her, mind telling me what's wrong now?" Ranma
said, jogging to a halt next to the equipment.  "And what's this
junk?"

     "Ministry of Data bioscanner," Yuriko said.  "Advanced
model, but not a handheld... I left that at home.  Either way
it's much, much faster than the standard ones at MoD.  Akane, if
you could please step on this circle?"

     "You're Yuriko, right?" Akane asked.

     "Just step on the circle, ma'am," Yuriko said, fiddling with
a number of dials on the machine.  Akane shrugged, and hoisted
her skirt up to stand on the pedestal.

     "We'll know in less than a sec ARGH!" Yuriko shouted, as a
small light on the machine turned green.  "I knew it.  I bloody
well KNEW it!"

     "What?" Akane asked, truly confused.

     "She's an extender!" Yuriko exclaimed.

     "Oh," Ranma said.  "Well, Akane, I guess that shoots down
your theory about you being human... sorry..."

     "What theory?" Akane asked.  "What are you two talking
about?"

     "You told me yourself you remembered your past, remember?"
Ranma said.  "How you could break the law, how you knew your
family, how you were different from other extenders..."

     "How could I remember my clone base's family life?" Akane
asked.  "Extenders can't do that."

     "Of course," Yuriko said, "She'd never know she had that
theory, because whoever made her didn't know she had that theory
either.  Just the basic facts, say, you, your father, the
situation, and some historical moments, a desire to be nice..."

     "Huh?"

     "I gotta explain everything for you, don't I, Saotome? 
She's not the Akane we know!  She's another Akane extender
slipped in so we'd never notice the original's disappearance!"

     "What makes you say that?  Your little medicine box which
says she's an extender?  That was ambiguous from the start!"
Ranma rebuked.

     "No it wasn't.  You didn't see the tapes, Saotome, or the
data files surrounding the original messes that kicked this off. 
I did.  The Akane you got was the ORIGINAL AKANE TENDO,
accidentally mixed in during a botched MoE attempt to ship her to
the Ministry of Data for safe housing!  I traced the order, and
it had no DNA trademark.  MoD kludged the data to cover it up,
thinking the cloning process got screwed... why the hell do you
think I've been worried about what happens to her?  'Tomboy Akane
Saotome' is the original, Saotome, the original!  And she's still
missing!"

     "What... I don't understand... WHAT'S GOING ON?" Akane
shouted.  "What are you people talking about?  Ranma, come on,
let's go home.  I don't want to hear any of this weirdness..."

     "Hold on... Akane," Ranma said.  "This is important
weirdness.  Yuriko, if Nabiki was trying to slip the real Akane
in there and you knew, why--"

     "STOP IT!" Akane demanded.  "I don't want any of this. 
Ranma, please, let's go back to our life together.  None of this
nonsense about me not being your fiancee... Ranma... I love you."

     Water dripped.

     Somewhere in the garage, tires scraped against asphalt as a
car was stolen.

     The earth continued to rotate.

     "?" Ranma asked.

     "I love you!" Akane said.  "Even if I'm not the Akane you
know, I love you anyway.  Can we just go home?  I'll try to be a
good wife for you... I promise I can make up for not being the
person you wanted, just give me a chance--"

     "Saotome, we've got to find Akane Tendo," Yuriko prodded the
dazed Ranma.  "If someone slipped in a replacement, it can only
mean she's in trouble..."

     "What's so special about this Akane Tendo person?!" Akane
asked.  "Why bother going and looking for someone who abused and
used you when you've got an Akane right here who just SAID she
loved you?  Huh?  SAY SOMETHING, RANMA!  SAY SOMETHING TO ME
ALREADY!"

     "..." Ranma said.

     "SPEAK!" Akane fumed.

     "I don't know you," Ranma stated, not sure what else to say.

     Akane's anger exploded.  "Ranma, you JERK!" she yelled,
smacking him one across the face.  Ranma's head turned in
accordance, too busy reeling in thought to react beyond that. 
She turned around, and without a backwards glance, stomped off
with the angry stomp of a titan.

     "She'll be okay," Yuriko said, with full confidence.  She
even cracked a smile.  "You conscious, Saotome?"

     "yeah.." Ranma managed.  "She'll be okay...?"

     "She called you a jerk and slugged you.  Personality is
coming through.  Akanes can override inhibitors, you know,"
Yuriko said, guiding Ranma manually to the sliding door of the
van.

     "Umm.  Yeah."

     "Hey.  Cheer up, okay?  We'll get Akane back, I promise,"
Yuriko said, opening a door to the van.  "Hop in the van.  I'll
handle the driving and searching for the real Akane, you just
recoup and recover in the back... Mind the various electronic
gadgets, weapons, and doo dads on your way in..."

     Ranma nodded, groggily pulling a foot up to van height to
climb inside.  He took another step once inside, foot connecting
with a heavy object, and toppled into the pile of magazines,
blinking objects, straw dolls, candles and guns Yuriko had been
collecting.

     "Hey, I warned you," Yuriko smirked.

     "What's this I tripped on?" Ranma asked, pulling the
cylindrical thermos out from under his left foot.

     "Umm, hot water," Yuriko said.  "For you, obviously.  I
always carry spares in case of emergency."

     "There's only one thermos," Ranma said, searching the pile. 
"Where's the cold water?  I thought I was supposed to be in
cold/cursed/female form to work, not hot/uncursed/male."

     "There's cold in there somewhere.  Can we please get mobile,
Saotome?  We've got a human Akane to go look for.  Quit rooting
through my carefully stacked pile of junk."

     "No more thermoses," Ranma concluded, finishing his search. 
"You don't have any cold water.  Why is that, Yuriko?"

     "I forgot to pack it.  Sit down and shut up already, I wanna
get moving."

     "You know..." Ranma mused, glancing at the pile as he
unscrewed the cap on the thermos.  "Let's do a little
experiment."

     Yuriko panicked, and jumped out of the driver's door.  Ranma
swung himself out of the passenger side, and chased Yuriko around
the van, rearing back the thermos, sending a wave of hot water
out in a perfect U shape towards the fleeing Yuriko...

     The water impacted, drenching the girl.  She screamed, not
the frightened shriek of a little girl, but the wails of a man...

     Ranma ditched the thermos, concentrating all of his senses
on the boy in front of him.  He was fully alert now; mind driven
into a sharp focus, a dagger trailing down to a single molecule
point.

     "Explain yourself," Ranma demanded.

     "Err, hi, Ranma," Gosunkugi smiled weakly.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.13
                         Private use only