Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 3

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If I
     ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

     Quick Athor Note : As Zoner pointed out, I guess a.c.c.
     won't be getting these first nyah nyah.  Oh well.  I'm sure
     they'll appreciate being confused on a less regular basis
     anyway. :)

-=-

     When the four leaders of the Tokyo government get together,
they don't kid around.

     The meeting, housed at the Ministry of Peace's top floor,
was a madhouse.  Yellow, red, blue and green guards (red ones
being the bulkier of the four) swarmed around the main office of
Mousse, Director of Data, looking for any suspicious people they
could shoot at.  All workers were given the evening off; all
people at street level were urged to find other routes that
didn't pass by the building.  Any air traffic was shot down.

     Inside the meeting was another matter.  It was all smiles
and thank yous and lemonade.  The smiles were strained and the
politeness faked, but at least the beverages were sweet.

     "More lemonade, anyone?" Kasumi asked, pouring herself a
tall glass.

     "No thanks," Kodachi politely refused.  "On to new business. 
I've called this meeting over two specific matters which the
public at large seems to have confused with 'Ministry
infighting'.  I believe all of you know what they are."

     The others nodded.  Kodachi continued.

     "The first is that unpleasant incident at the Biogen
warehouse in this very building," Kodachi said.  "My agents saw
several Ministry of Economics employees engaging in suspicious
behavior--"

     "We were just transporting an extender for storage,"
Chairwoman Nabiki of the Ministry of Economics explained.  "This
was authorized by the Ministry of Data.  You'll find it in the
records, file 3426.6357.GH.  Authorization by Gosunkugi Hikaru."

     "Umm, Nabiki, Gosunkugi isn't authorized to authorize
anything like that," Director of Data Mousse reminded her.  "He's
just my liaison to the Biogen department, which if you recall I
have always had strong objections to.  By the way, may I move to
have it moved to another Ministry?  I still say it's a little out
of place there..."

     "That's old business, which we've already covered," Nabiki
said.  "Anyway, miss Commander of the Peace, we THOUGHT we had
authorization to do it.  Apologies if we did not.  Just a
misunderstanding."

     "Why was it that your agents were trying to hide the crate,
then?" Kodachi asked.  "My agents saw them covertly load it into
a van labelled 'Mister Whipple Ices', drive around Tokyo three
times and slip into a disused cargo loading dock at the MoD."

     "For which I have punished them via a dock in weekly wages,"
Nabiki said.  "The ones that survived, at least.  For the life of
me, I can't understand why they would do that either.  Perhaps
they misinterpreted my orders."

     "Plus, they shot at my agents," Kodachi said, dropping the
bomb.

     "Whoa.  Hold on, your agents shot FIRST," Nabiki said.  "One
of my agents was wounded by your gunfire, then they had to defend
themselves.  You can't expect them to react in any other way,
they're Ministry of Economics armed guards!  Sure, they're not
crack death machines like MoP troops, but they're not dumb
either."

     "If they're Moe guards, then they should have been guarding
the Ministry of Economics, shouldn't they?" Kodachi asked.  "What
was so important about this extender that you had to take such
measures to bring it there?"

     "It was just an Akane extender we wanted to send back for
testing.  Nothing more."

     "We don't DO that," Mousse said.  "Listen, let me make
myself fully clear here : Ministry of Data just breeds these
things for you.  We don't take any responsibility about what
happens next.  We take orders about how they're made, but nothing
beyond that."

     "I do so wish you would work on your growth process," Kasumi
said, pleading in tone.  "Some of your Ryougas have done many bad
things after being released.  Litter, defacing of public
property, murder in the first... not a clean image for the city
to maintain about its Biogen program."

     "Look, it was a global screw-up on all sides," Nabiki
admitted.  "My people misinterpreted my orders and yours did too
and there was a bit of a conflict, but everything's settled down
now.  Things are back to normal at Biogen, right Mousse?"

     "Thank god yes," Mousse grumbled.  "We had to replace a
bunch of extenders which died in the fray.  Do you know how
expensive those are?  Luckily we get private funding from the
customers, but all the replacements come out of MY pockets."

     "Actually, I'm not very interested in this incident,"
Kodachi said.  "Well, I'm fairly perturbed, but I'm a lady of
manners and will accept your apology, Nabiki, without any more
questions.  The matter is closed.  I do require information about
another problem..."

     "That mess with an escaped Akane, right?" Mousse asked. 
"That was NOT our fault."

     "Actually, yes it was," Kodachi said, pulling a stack of
inflammable papers out from behind her back.  "I have a report
here on information taken out of a Ryouga extender... one that
worked for you.  Apparently you were sabotaged."

     "Sabotaged?!"

     "Exactly.  An Akane had a inhibitor immunity vector
installed prior to shipment."

     "We knew that," Mousse said.  "I didn't know one of my boys
did it, though.  Which Ryouga was it?"

     "It's hard to say.  All we got out of him was Ryouga
Hibiki," Kodachi said.  "He's apparently forgotten his legal
name.  Even the mental scanners couldn't find it."

     "You HAD him for questioning?" Mouse asked.

     "Had, yes.  I'm afraid he escaped.  I severely repremanded
the officer on duty for that."

     "Great, a wayward Ryouga working for us," Mousse grumbled. 
"I TOLD Gosunkugi we needed to screen better..."

     "The how is trivial," Kodachi said.  "What I want to know is
WHY a simple case of the wayward Akane extender your boy produced
turned into the massive fray that's at this moment on our
streets."

     "We didn't start that," Mousse said.  "I sent out as many
people as I could, whether they were qualified or not, just to
see what was happening.  I wanted to know why YOU guys--"

     "Ahem," Kodachi ahemed.

     "--girls, sorry, were going nuts looking for this Akane."

     "I too decided to send some of my janitors around," Kasumi
said.  "After all, having that many Ministry officers on the
streets is a good way to cause both litter and crime.  We were
very lucky it didn't result in a street riot.  You know our image
is rather... tarnished.  I'd like to know why this Akane is
important as well, so I can withdraw my forces."

     "It's not just the Akane," Kodachi said.  "Nabiki, care to
explain?"

     "Explain what?" Nabiki asked innocently.

     "Why your troops had orders to find both the Akane AND her
human companion?" Kodachi asked.

     "How'd you find out about that?"

     "Simple.  I asked one of your officers."

     "Asked or tortured?" Nabiki queried, narrowing her eyes at
the gymnast.

     "Torture?  Such a horrible word!  Perhaps I'm rather
forceful in my questioning, but one can hardly call it torture."

     "You know, one of my best accountants returned today with a
strange scar on his forehead and several burns," Nabiki mused. 
"He couldn't remember anything, of course.  That would be too
incriminating."

     "Are you accusing me of something, money counter?" Kodachi
asked.

     "Depends on if you have something to hide, ribbon girl."

     "Please, please, we mustn't fight!" Kasumi interjected. 
"It's bad enough that the public thinks we're working against
them instead of for them.  We mustn't let that image persist by
calling names and hurling accusations."

     "Yes, I gave my guards orders to bring both of them in
alive," Nabiki nodded.  "So what's it to you?"

     "Does this have anything to do with the mess at Biogen?"
Kodachi asked.

     "No, and I can wholeheartedly say that's the truth.  The
incidents are unrelated.  I can see how an Akane got out
unchecked in the mess, however."

     "We did the best we could," Mousse offered pathetically.

     "What's Experiment-R, Nabiki?" Kodachi asked, dropping the
second bomb of the evening.

     "What Experiment-R?" Nabiki asked, not sure what else to
say.

     "The one I've gotten sketchy field reports on," Kodachi
said.  "My agents found a small Biogen lab in the basement of
your Ministry of Economics."

     "BIOGEN?!" Mousse asked, gasping for air.  "Nabiki, what the
hell are you doing with Ministry of Data technology?  I thought I
was the only person who had to put up with that junk!"

     "You've been spying on me?!" Nabiki asked, ignoring the boy.

     "Of course.  One can't be too careful in the interests in
national security."

     "Kodachi!" Kasumi interrupted.  "Ministries may not
interfere in the businesses of other Ministries except through
proper channels.  That was the basis of the four-tiered
government the Tendos laid out.  To break that law breaks the
very concept this country was founded on!"

     "Hear hear," Mousse said, trying to get an elbow into the
conversation.

     "Don't worry, dear Kasumi Tendo, my agents are long gone
from that outpost," Kodachi said.  "We simply were observing.  I
was acting in the best interests of the country, I assure you."

     "I still don't like the idea of you peering through MY
windows," Nabiki said.  "You've got no business in my business."

     "Actually, she does," Kasumi said.

     "And Kasumi backs me up on th-- eh?"

     "Also by law, full disclosure is required regarding any non-
public projects," Kasumi said.  "This is one large government,
after all, not four little ones.  If one Ministry was to work on
a project in secret without disclosing it to the other three, it
would subvert the concept.  Secret projects are only valid if all
four Ministries agree on them."

     "Okay, then I admit I've got a project called Experiment-R,"
Nabiki said.  "How's that?"

     "Not enough, I'm afraid," Kasumi said.

     "Look, I can't explain what it's about properly until it's
complete," Nabiki said.  "I don't even know if it worked.  I'll
make you a deal, Kodachi.  You find the boy wayward Akane is
travelling with and I'll present a report about my findings,
project completed and final data gathered.  There's a chance to
salvage what's left, but my troops just aren't good at manhunts. 
Kasumi's are busy enough as is and Mousse... well, your think
tank doesn't make a good commando unit."

     "I know, I know," Mousse nodded.

     "And Kodachi, I want them alive," Nabiki reminded.

     "What if they die?" Kodachi asked.  "The street is a
dangerous place, and they'll likely seek sanctuary in the worst
possible places.  If my troops find two corpses, will you still
disclose the project?"

     "Yes, but only after I'm POSITIVE that your troops saw two
corpses on the way in and out," Nabiki said.  "No funny
business."

     "Don't worry, Nabiki.  My troops aren't that unprofessional. 
However, realize that if they attack us, we will have to counter
attack.  I assure you that we will try our best to take them
alive."

     "I'm glad you two have come to a middle ground," Kasumi
nodded.  "In the future, I'd suggest we all try harder not to
keep secrets from each other.  It's for the common good.  All
those in favor?"

     "I've got nothing to hide," Kodachi said unconvincingly.

     "Me neither, other than Experiment-R," Nabiki lied.

     "No side projects here," Mousse said truthfully.

     "As for me," Kasumi said, "I'm not doing anything unusual. 
Just the usual Ministry of Sanitation duties regarding
cleanliness of the streets and of the soul.  I'd recommend a
press release once this Experiment-R matter is settled to renew
the populace's faith in the Ministries.  Sort of an apology for
not cooperating, and a promise for a brighter tommorow."

     "You're better with words than we are," Nabiki nodded.  "You
write it up, send it to Mousse to print and I'll fund the
project.  A group effort."

     "Is there any more new business, or should we close up?"
Kasumi asked.

     "Close up," Kodachi suggested.  "I've got a pair of kiddies
to find."

     "Very well.  I'll lead the traditional closing ceremony,"
Kasumi said.

     "This again?" Kodachi asked.  "Honestly, I would think you
girls would have moved on with your lives by now..."

     "She was our sister and one of the founding members of the
government," Kasumi said.  "We must pay our respects to Akane. 
Without her, you wouldn't HAVE the position in government you
have now."

     "Alright, fine," Kodachi mumbled.  "Let's get it over with."

     Sheesh, Kodachi thought.  Just because someone dies, no need
to go on and on about it like they were some hero.  Kodachi was
FAR better as Commander of the Peace than Akane ever was.  At
least Kodachi doesn't fall for easy to spot car bombs.

                              *

     Gosunkugi simply didn't understand.

     The ritual was followed to the letter.  All the ingredients
were added to his pocket cauldron.  It was cooled for long enough
for the magic to solidify.  He even had the end result, the
wiggly, translucent blocks of substance... but it wasn't doing
anything.

     The pictures in the magazine indicated that small children
would become entranced with the gobs of stuff, and do all sorts
of strange things for it.  Even the intoned mantras of Jay, iee,
ell, ell and oh didn't do anything for the local children other
than make them look at him funny.  Perhaps the english lettering,
which he couldn't translate, held the key?

     His phone rang, martian raygun beeps ripping through his
concentration.  The gelatin in his hands wobbled around as he
jumped in surprise.  Gosunkugi dropped the mystic dessert and
darted for the phone.

     "Hello?" he asked, tapping the ANSWER button.

     Ranma's image popped up on the cheap black and white screen
of Gosunkugi's phone.  The wanna-be magician's face fall. 
"Ranma.  It's only you.  What do you want?"

     "Gos, I need a place to crash for a few days," Ranma said. 
"And that favor you owe me."

     "I don't know, Ranma... I mean, my landlord doesn't like me
putting more occupants in here.  It violates his population
control permit."

     "I know, but this is VERY, VERY important.  Life or death."

     "Life or death?" Gosunkugi asked.  "I don't like the sound
of that.  Is another Ryouga harassing you?  I know that's been a
problem..."

     "What, you think I'd need to hide from that?" Ranma laughed. 
"No way.  This is much more important.  I'll explain on the way
up."

     "Way up?  Where are you?"

     "I'm downstairs," Ranma said.  "About six feet below you on
a public phone.  Hi."

     "Alright, come up," Gosunkugi said.  "But I'll decide on how
long later.  No promises."

     "Gotcha," Ranma nodded, and his image faded away in a haze
of static.  The astronomical cost of the call flashed briefly on
Gosunkugi's screen; naturally, Ranma had called collect. 
Gosunkugi should have noticed the blinking yellow light, but he
was otherwise occupied.  Worried.

     "Hi," Ranma said, opening the door to the apartment without
knocking.  Gosunkugi jumped, landing on his feet facing Ranma.

     "Hi," Akane said, walking in after him.  "Umm, nice place."

     "Whoa.  You never said you had someone with you," Gosunkugi
said.

     "Surprise?" Ranma said lamely.  "Come on, Gos.  I need to
hide her out here for awhile.  It'll only be a day.  And I want
to cash that favor in."

     "What do you want?"

     "A whole bunch of Ministry guys are after us.  I need you to
fiddle with the Ministry of Data's records and get us erased."

     "WHOA!  NO WAY!" Gosunkugi said.  "Out.  Get OUT of my
house.  The last thing I need is some MoP goons coming in here
with guns and blowing me away.  The next to the last thing I need
is to lose my job tampering with Data's data!  No, no no!"

     "Gos, you OWE me.  Think of all those magic books I found
for you, the ones that hadn't been destroyed yet."

     "Big deal, none of them work," Gosunkugi said.  "Give me one
good reason why I should do this for you."

     "Because if you don't, she might die," Ranma said, pointing
to Akane.  "Let me introduce you.  Tomboy Akane Saotome, this is
Gosunkugi Hikaru, Ministry of Data Biogen Director."

     "Pleased to meet you and it's just AKANE TENDO, Ranma,"
Akane said, bowing to Gosunkugi and punching Ranma across the jaw
simultaneously.

     "P... pleased to meet you two," Gosunkugi stammered,
returning a lame bow.  "You're going to... die?"

     "It's a chance.  I don't know why, but I'm being chased by
just about every person in Tokyo," Akane said.  "Ranma the Baka
here thinks that you can save me... can you?"

     Gosunkugi just stared.  He had seen plenty of Akane
extenders in his time, but this one seemed... different... she
carried herself with much more than other clones did.  What was
carried was unclear... pride?  Arrogance?  Some sort of sentience
beyond the curt smile and nod of other Akane extenders.

     And so kawaii...

     "For you?  Anything!" Gosunkugi said.  "I wouldn't want to
see anybody die.  Akane, right?  Okay.  I'll help you save Akane,
Ranma.  No problem.  Well, one problem."

     "What?"

     "I don't think it would work," Gosunkugi said.  "Sure, you
could evade the cameras and robotic lookouts around the city by
not having any descriptive data to match up to, but when a
Ministry wants someone, they typically get them.  The data is
just used as a backup when they can't find you.  Missing records
are easy to spot and can be replaced, too..."

     "But it would HELP, right?" Ranma asked.

     "It might, for a short period of time.  It'd be tricky; I
can't do it myself.  The only way to do it would be through
Mousse, the Director of Data, and I'm afraid he's fairly
inaccessible."

     "You told me not three days ago that you reported to him
every day!"

     "Reporting and asking someone to break the law for you are
two different things," Gosunkugi said.  "Look, Ranma, this is my
job we're talking about.  My livelihood... and other things.  I
can't lose my position there because you want a favor."

     "I thought so," Akane said, downfallen.  "Ranma, come on. 
We've got other people we could talk to.  We shouldn't trouble
your friend like this.  Thank you anyway, Gosunkugi."

     "Akane, whoa, wait a minute.  Trouble?  Who said anything
about trouble?" Gosunkugi asked.  "There's some trouble, yes, but
trouble and trouble are two different things.  Akane, just say
the word, I'll try, no, do it for you.  Really."

     "Err... do it?" Akane asked, confused at Gosunkugi's
reaction.

     "It is done, think no more.  Come on, Akane, we've got an
appointment with the Director of Data!"

     "Hey, what about me?" Ranma asked.

     "I guess you could tag along too," Gosunkugi said.

                              *

     Ranma grumbled, walking along the streets of Tokyo.  He had 
hoped that Gosunkugi would pick a more subtle route instead of a
direct path to the Ministry of Data building.  What was WITH the
guy today?

     The Gosunkugi Ranma knew was a nebbishly, whining, little
cog of a man.  He thought of little more than his work and his
strange obsession with the occult, and said very little to Ranma
beyond the obligatory thank-yous for the magic books Ranma was
able to find.

     This Gosunkugi was different.  Infinitely more annoying,
Ranma thought, the way he's babbling and carrying on about his
work at the Ministry of Data.  Why, though?  Was it because of
Akane?

     No.

     It COULDN'T be that.  How could it be?  Akane was a total
and complete tomboy, how would anybody get into some mad puppy
dog love over HER?  How could she of all people turn Gosunkugi's
personality completely around?

     "That's very interesting," Akane said, a straight line for
Gosunkugi's spiel.

     "Yeah, isn't it?" Gos replied.  "I mean, it's kind of fun. 
I hold total power of all the projects at the Ministry of Data
Biogen department.  I decide what gets the funding, and I decide
what to report to the higher-ups on the 17th floor.  It's
fascinating work, really, and puts me in a prime position to
gather information.  Sort of like an eye over the Ministry."

     "So is there any word on why we're being chased?" Ranma
asked.

     "Not really," Gosunkugi said.  "I think that really only one
of the Ministries is truly interested in Akane here.  The others
are just interested in what makes her so interesting.  She is an
interesting person, you know."

     "Really," Ranma said coldly.

     "If you two have time, I could run her through the scanners
at Biogen.  Maybe I could find out what it is about her that
makes her so important.  It doesn't take very long, just a simple
medical examination and scan..."

     "We don't have time," Ranma said.

     "Yes we do, Ranma," Akane said.  "Gosunkugi said we'd be
safe once he got us through the MoD security.  Gosunkugi could
hide us there if we needed it."

     "Certainly!" Gosunkugi said.  "The Ministry is surprisingly
lacking in security, considering what we do.  No video cameras. 
I suspect you could hang out in my office until the coast is
clear, Akane..."

     "No thanks," Ranma said.  "I just want to get us erased and
have that be that.  Maybe we can go back to the dojo and live in
peace."

     "Akane's living at your dojo?" Gosunkugi asked.

     "Of course.  My idiot dad got us engaged."

     "ENGAGED?!" Gosunkugi asked, gaping.  "Ah... aah... Akane,
you're engaged to Ranma?"

     "More or less," Akane said without emotion.

     "That... well, I suppose that all depends on how you feel
about it," Gosunkugi said.

     "Ha.  Trust me, we're NOT going to get married," Akane
replied.

     "I second that," Ranma nodded.  "Who would want to marry a
maniac like her, anyway?"

     "I am NOT a maniac!" Akane yelled, turning around to punch
Ranma in the stomach.  Ranma doubled over, stumbled, but regained
his footing.

     Gosunkugi watched, not believing his eyes.  The proverbial
Venus on the Half Shell was married to RANMA?  And Ranma didn't
even appreciate this?

     It was simply too horrible to think about.  He'd have to see
if there was anything he could do to help Akane out, after he was
done helping her out.

                              *

     "...I think your wife will appreciate what you've done
today," Gosunkugi whispered to the Ministry of Data door guard. 
"She'd hate to think you were impolite to a friend's request. 
She'd also hate to hear about Miss Sanders and the grapefruit."

     "Just get inside, Gosunkugi," the guard said.  "Out of my
face and don't ask me to do you any favors again."

     "We're clear, gang," Gosunkugi said.  "Akane, stay behind
me.  If I lead the way we should do fine.  Ranma, you can wait
out here if you'd like..."

     "No thanks," Ranma said.

     The trio walked into the revolving door, and into the lobby
of the Ministry of Data.

     The building itself was rather shabby.  Unlike the other
Ministries, Data got minimal funding for redecoration and upkeep;
where the money had run out, homemade cures could be found.  Duct
tape sealed up rips in the tattered yellow carpet.  The walls had
recently gotten half a paint job to cover up some unsightly
graffiti which read, somewhat covered, as MOD BLOWS MY BIG FA. 
Even the information and help desk had been pilfered from a local
high school, complete with teacher's podium bolted to the side.

     "Sorry about the mess," Gosunkugi admitted.  "I'm afraid we
get the short end of the stick when it comes to budget... I can't
figure out why, considering that the work we do is what supplies
the other Ministries with the information they need."

     "Street opinion is that you half of you folks are a bunch of
shut in nerds," Ranma said.  "And the other half are Dr.
Frankenstein wanna-bes."

     "Don't be insulting, Ranma," Akane said.

     "He's right for the most part," Gosunkugi said.  "I know
people here who haven't seen sunlight in days.  It's usually the
Biogens who get the worst work shifts... demand is nice and high
for extenders, despite the cost.  They're practically replacing
the population, person by person.  That kind of volume means OO."

     "OO?" Akane asked.

     "Obligatory overtime."

     "Oh."

     "No, OO.  Like a monkey.  We'd better get moving; elevator
is this way."

                              *

     The glass elevator slid up the side of the building.  Ranma
hung near the back; the last thing he wanted was the be spotted
by some Ministry of Peace assault helicopter.  The glass did not
look bulletproof, and kempo was only so good against armored
airships.

     "You two are going to have to be absolutely quiet when we
reach the 17th floor," Gosunkugi warned them, in a low, mousy
voice.  "If I recall, they're holding the Core War championships
up there tonight."

     "The what?" Akane asked.

     "Core War.  It's like viruses for sport, two computers
networked together, trying to crash each other.  A true test of
coding ability.  Our current champion is defending her title, and
she really, really doesn't like anybody interfering.  I think
we'll be fine if we don't make any noise on our way to Mousse's
office."

     "Who's the champion?"

     "Shhh!  We're there!" Gosunkugi loudly whispered, as the
doors slid open silently to the clack of keys.

     Gos peeked inside to make sure the coast was clear, and
motioned for the two to follow.  Akane nodded and tiptoed in,
followed by Ranma.

     Ranma examined the poorly lit room around him.  It rivalled
the Tokyo Library's Reader Room is size; dozens and dozens of
terminals, with power cables and networking apparatus snaking
around like a fifty mile noodle.  Only two of these computers
were occupied, however.

     Ranma couldn't make out the one at the far end of the room,
only able to see that it was on by the pale blue glow of a CRT
tube.  The one nearby was occupied and clicking away madly,
reaching WPMs around two hundred at least.

     The oddly-dressed girl stared at her screen, unblinking,
eyes narrowed in anger as the ASCII of program code slid by like
a glacier.  Her long purple hair wasn't showing any signs of
sweat, but her forehead gleamed with a shininess that matched her
ornamental hair baubles.  She was too deep into her activity to
notice Ranma's stares.  Woman and machine were one, or at least
two that were close enough to be mistaken for one.

     Gosunkugi tugged at Ranma's arm, urging him on.  Ranma
turned away from the girl and continued, up to the large yellow
door marked MOUSSE, DIRECTOR OF DATA.

                              *

     Gosunkugi shut the door behind him after pulling his newly
found friends into the room.  He exhaled at last, relieved to be
out of the arena.

     "Director Mousse?" he asked, not sure how to approach the
subject.

     "Yes, what is it?" Mousse asked, turning around in his
swivel chair.  Ranma was surprised a boy so young had managed to
run one of the four greatest political entities in the city;
Mouse couldn't be more than twenty, with boyish glasses and long
hair.  He dropped a three ring binder he was reading from and
peered at the newcomers.

     "I see you've brought friends," Mousse noted, making a
strenuous effort to focus on them.  "Taking a tour?"

     "No, I'm afraid it's more serious than that," Gosunkugi
said.  "I need some assistance with the files.  Specifically the
citizen database for the security network.  These two are special
cases which require immediate attention."

     "Okay.  You two step up to my desk and press your thumbs
against the screen," Mousse said, turning his desk computer
towards the two blobs in his vision.  Ranma and Akane stepped up
and hesitantly planted a digit on the screen, leaving behind a
perfect grease replica of two thumbs.  The computer analyzed
this, wiped it away with a quick swipe of a robotic arm, and data
flowed freely from the source.

     Mousse snapped a lens on an arm between him and the screen,
added concavity assisting his vision.

     "Ranma Saotome and Tomboy Akane Saotome," Mousse nodded.

     "You had that LEGALLY REGISTERED?" Akane asked Ranma,
shocked.

     "No!  Really!" Ranma said.  "I guess, I don't know, someone
must have overheard and entered it.  It would be the only way to
use the cameras to find you."

     "Ranma.  Akane," Mousse mused, digging through his memory. 
"Ranma, Akane, Ranma, Ak... oh... no."

     "Oh no?" Gosunkugi asked, growing alarmed.  "Why oh no? 
What's oh no?"

     "You're those two!" Mousse said, turning to face the pair
with a quick swivel of the chair.  "YOU'RE those two waywards
that caused the whole mess tonight.  You're Ranma Saotome and
Tomboy Akane Saotome!"

     "Boss, I think I'd better exp--"

     "Quiet, Gos," Mousse said.  "My god.  Do you two realize the
RISK you took coming here?  Kodachi's just about ready to grab
you two and roast you over an open fire!  And Nabiki...
Gosunkugi, what the hell are you doing bringing these two here? 
Don't you know how much trouble you've just put the Ministry of
Data into?"

     "Sir, I asked Gosunkugi to do this," Akane said.  "If what
you're saying is true, I stand a strong chance of getting killed. 
If you can delete our data from the records, we could be able to
find a good hiding place without detection and survive."

     "No.  No way.  Tampering with the data is bad enough, but
ticking off two of the most deadly Ministries around in the
process is just... unthinkable!  Saotome, I've got a tricky
enough job as is.  I'm sitting on the largest stockpile of
information in the world and have the lamest security known to
man because I don't warrant any more in the government's eyes. 
To openly invite strife like this could mean the end of my career
and possibly my life.  NO.  If I was in my right mind I'd turn
you two in right now and get some respect in this ridiculous
excuse for a government!"

     "Buddy, you so much as even TRY that--" Ranma started,
cracking his knuckled.

     "Whoa, whoa," Gosunkugi said.  "Alright, Ranma, Akane, go
outside.  I'll handle this."

     "But--"

     "And be QUIET out there!" Gosunkugi said, pushing the two
out the door and closing it.  He turned to face Mousse.

     "Gosunkugi, where was your mind?" Mousse asked.  "What would
possibly convince you to try something like this?  You're damn
lucky we're friends, or you'd be up the creek."

     "Mousse, I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me
no choice," Gosunkugi said.  "If you don't do this for Akane, I'm
going to have to let the press know about you and Shampoo."

     Mousse's face fell.  "You wouldn't.  Gosunkugi, are you
considering blackmailing me?"

     "I am, yes.  This is very, very important to me, Mousse. 
Important enough for me to tell the press how you're harassing
one of your employees every day and exhibiting behavior
unbecoming of a government official--"

     "I'm in therapy!  Honest!  I've been trying my hardest to
ignore the beautiful Shampoo..." Mousse said, the name evoking
images of wonder and joy.  "Ah, Shampoo... my goddess in
purple..."

     "See what I mean?" Gosunkugi said, smiling smugly.  So
rarely did he get to stick it to a superior; now he was reveling
in it.

     Mousse shook his head clear.  "I'm lucky she hasn't filed
suit yet.  She decides to beat me up on a regular basis instead,
which isn't much more fun, but at least it's not as public.  If I
could just beat her ONCE at that silly programming game, maybe
I'd have a chance to make her my wife...  Still, it's a bad
situation, Gosunkugi.  If I do this for you, the Ministry of
Peace will notice.  Kodachi might turn it into a power play and
successfully destroy us.  But if I don't, I'll be in all the
tabloids for months.  Either way, I lose my job, livelihood and
chance at her..."

     "How about this," Gosunkugi offered.  "At least scramble
Ranma and Akane's data.  Scramble it enough to keep them safe. 
You can claim anything you want, data error, hard drive crash,
whatever.  It'll buy them some time to flee and you'll be in the
clear, and nobody will have to know about your crush."

     "It's more than a crush," Mousse said.  "It's love.  She may
not love me back, but it's complete and unconditional in her
direction... of course, why am I telling you?  You're not exactly
a stud muffin yourself.  You can't relate."

     Actually, I can, Gosunkugi thought to himself.  "Scramble it
for me, Mousse.  It's not THAT much to ask.  I'll take the flak
if anybody manages to prove it wasn't an accident."

     "Okay, okay, I'll do it," Mousse said.  "Sheesh.  Gosunkugi,
for someone the office toadies usually refer to as the Mystical
Magical Wimp, you know how to play hardball with dark forces."

     "I have a good tutor," Gosunkugi said.

                              *

     "I hope he manages to convince Mousse to do it," Akane
whispered, lower than a whispering wind.

     "He might.  After all, the guy's ga-ga for you," Ranma
breathed back.

     "What do you mean by that?"

     "I mean what I mean.  Poor sop, he's all idol-crazed about
you.  Kind of funny, in a way."

     "That's not true!" Akane said, raising her voice slightly. 
"He's just trying to be nice.  He doesn't want to see me dead
either.  Do you?"

     "What?  Of course not!" Ranma said.  "I don't approve of
ninety percent of what this government does.  I don't buy that
crap about you being a safety hazard.  Something's going on here
and I want to know what it is."

     "Then why didn't you accept Gosunkugi's offer to scan me?"

     "He's giving me the creeps, that's why," Ranma said.  "I can
find the truth on my own, anyway.  Besides, I think he just
wanted the chance to see you in one of those hospital nighties
that opens up in the back."

     "Why, you--"

     "You two quiet now," the girl at the computer terminal
ordered, eyes never leaving the screen.  "I busy!"

     Akane shut up promptly, but cast a final evil glance at
Ranma.  Ranma didn't bother returning it.

     Gosunkugi walked out of Mousse's office, cheap lamps
spilling light into the combat computer area momentarily. 
Gosunkugi flashed the two kids a thumbs up through the blue haze
of the two computer monitors, and pointed to the elevator.

     Ranma turned around and started for the elevator.  It would
have been a straight, unwavering path right to safety if it
wasn't for the power cable.

     The cable, already out of place from being walked over on
the way in, snagged over Ranma's shoe.  Ranma wobbled around,
trying to regain his balance, and succeeded; at the loss of the
cord's attachment to a wall socket.

     The blue aura of the computer monitor in front of the girl
snapped off in less than a second.  It took her three seconds to
notice.

     Gosunkugi let out a silent scream, already buggy eyes
bugging out even more.  The girl reached out to her right and hit
a light switch, illuminating the computer room with harsh,
painful yellow lighting.  Across the room, whoever was
challenging the girl was throwing a small celebration.

     "You crash Shampoo's computer," the girl said, pointing an
accusatory finger at Ranma, not unlike pointing a sniper's rifle
at a political figure.  "You make Shampoo LOSE!"

     "Err..." Ranma offered.  "Sorry?"

     "SHAMPOO DEFEATED BY YOU!" Shampoo growled.  "You crash
Shampoo's computer and ruin Shampoo's chance at championship!"

     Shampoo hopped out of her chair, charging across the room in
blind rage.  Ranma pushed Akane out of the way, and braced
himself for

     A kiss.

     Ranma blinked, not sure how this girl got attached to his
mouth.  His arms flailed around wildly, trying to land in the
general area of her shoulders; finally implanting, he pushed her
away.

     "You I marry!" Shampoo cheered.

     "Oh god, no, no," Gosunkugi moaned.  "This can't be
happening... Ranma, we've gotta get out of here before Mousse--"

     "MARRY?!!" Mousse screamed from his office.  The yellow door
blow outward with the force of sheer anger, Mousse outlined
evilly by his desk lamp, a puke colored aura of hate.  "MARRY? 
RAAAANMMAAAA!  WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SHAMPOO-CHAN?!?!?!!"

     "Erg?" Ranma said.

     "For that, you'll PAY!" Mousse yelled, charging across the
room, a pair of gigantic twin maces appearing in his hands,
seemingly from nowhere.  He clearly was agitated; he didn't even
bother putting on his glasses before running into the room. 
Ranma dropped into a defensive posture, kempo training kicking
in, but Mousse ran right by him, slamming into the wall on the
other side of the room, HARD.

     "RUN!" Gosunkugi suggested, wildly stumbling his way across
the lab.  Akane shoved Ranma along, until all three were in the
elevator.

     "Ranma darling!" Shampoo fawned, also jogging along after
them.  Gosunkugi rapidly slammed the DOOR CLOSE button, and the
doors snapped closed on the crazed girl, ending the mayhem.

     "Oh jeez, oh jeez, this is bad," Gosunkugi said.  "Ranma,
what did you think you were DOING back there?!"

     "I'd like to know that as well," Akane said.  "Honestly, you
were all over her!  It was disgusting!"

     "For your information, she was all over ME," Ranma said. 
"Why did she do that, anyway?  I was expecting a fight, not a
death embrace."

     "Don't you know where she's from?" Gosunkugi asked, as the
floors streamed by.  "Joketsuzoku!  The Chinese Silicon Valley! 
She's one of a slew of amazon programmers, just like Mousse."

     "Chinese Silicon Valley?  That's a joke, right?"

     "It's not a joking matter.  According to her village law, if
an outsider defeats her at coding, she has two options,"
Gosunkugi recited.  "If the miscreant is female, she gets killed. 
If male, he gets married."

     "You mean I just got engaged to a maniac programmer from
China?!" Ranma asked.

     "You're already engaged to me, you can't do that," Akane
said.  "It's not right."

     "With any luck, Mousse scrambled your data before he heard
that," Gosunkugi said.  "Still, I think we might be looking at a
fully armed battalion in the lobby."

     "HUH?"

     "Don't let ANYBODY know this, and I mean that," Gosunkugi
said, "But Mousse kinda... umm... wants Shampoo.  If it looks
like you want her, he's going to want you dead.  I bet he's on
the phone with Kodachi now.  No... scratch that."

     "We're safe?"

     "No, he's probably already made the call.  Look down there,
lots and lots of nice red battle vehicles pulling up to the lobby
doors.  Man, Kodachi doesn't kid around..."

     "We're doomed.  Great," Akane grumped.  "We're doomed and
you have another fiancee, all because you're too clumsy to step
OVER a cable instead of under it.  She'll be the world's fastest
widow, at least."

     "I couldn't see!" Ranma protested.  "If I had known it was
there I never would have tripped, obviously.  You can't blame me
for poor lighting."

     "I can for poor eyesight."

     "Can you two PLEASE not do this now?" Gosunkugi asked.  "I'm
having a hard time preparing to meet my maker with you two
arguing!"

     "Why is this happening to me?" Ranma asked the ceiling. 
"Why?  What did I do?  Three hours ago I was a perfectly happy
wanna-be historian and excellent butt-kicker, and now I'm a
fugitive from justice that's going to get one of my best friends
and a perfectly nice girl killed!"

     "Perfectly nice?" Akane asked, surprised.  It wasn't a mean
surprised, but a confused surprised.

     "It's all happening and I haven't the foggiest idea why,"
Ranma continued.  "Just once, I'd like to rip by that ridiculous
veil of government secrets and propaganda and see what's going
on.  WHY any of this is happening, why I'm being hunted by all
the Ministries, why the MoS is cleaning up crime instead of
trash, why anything is happening.  At least I could die for a
reason."

     "Best of luck," Gosunkugi scowled.  "I've been working for
this government all my life and I still only know 90% of the
picture.  You'll never find out in five floor's time, trust me."

     "If I had it to do again, I'd pay more attention to figuring
out the why the world works this way instead of bitching about
how it's not working right," Ranma said, kicking the elevator
wall.  "Looks like I'm not gonna get that chance.  Akane, look,
I'm sorry this happened... I only wanted to keep you from getting
hurt..."

     "Don't be sorry," Akane said.  "You tried your best.  If we
do die... Ranma... thanks for that try.  It meant a lot."

     "Aw, man, I can see the tanks!" Gosunkugi said, pointing out
of the glass elevator to the incoming swarm of red vehicles. 
"Look at the bastards, they're not even shooting us, despite
being easy targets.  They're waiting until we land so it'll be
especially messy.  GOD, I hate the Ministries."

     "You think they'll really kill us?" Akane asked.

     "I wouldn't doubt it," Gosunkugi nodded.  "That's Ministry
of Peace down there.  They want you dead, Ranma.  They don't care
about live capture, like the Ministry of Economics would for
their precious data.  They want to smear you across the landscape
and keep Nabiki from completing her work.  That's politics in
action for you."

     "Chairwoman Nabiki's work?" Ranma asked.  "What work? 
Dammit, Gosunkugi, you said you *didn't* know what was going on!"

     "Well, I do, surprise," Gosunkugi said, sharing Ranma's
disgust.  "Bottom floor, sayonara Saotome.  It's been real."

     Ding!

     The elevator doors snapped open.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.3
                         Private use only