Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion Part 4 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.) -=- Ding! The elevator doors snapped open. "Think fast!" a voice called, as the grey object zipped through the air towards Ranma. He caught it instinctively before realizing it was in fact a large rifle. "MY GOD! HE'S GOT A GUN!" a nearby bystander called, reading from a script. "How's that?" "Perfect. Okay, boys, open fire!" the Ministry of Peace officer said, sitting back to watch the splatterfest. Ranma grabbed both Akane and Gosunkugi and hit the deck, trying to keep them covered as screaming hot lead ripped through the air above them, reducing the glass elevator's walls to fine powder. Bullets went zipping into the street, embedding themselves into the road, into the walls, into bystanders. Glass tinkled like wind chimes when it was given a chance, and simply fell to the ground with a poof otherwise. Ranma saw a flash of red shortly before blacking out... After half a minute of firing, the soldiers ran out of ammo. The captain stared at the elevator, wondering why where weren't any suspicious bloodstains or bodies. "How could you MISS?!" he asked, scolding his soldiers. A few shuffled their boots, embarrassed. "Hurry up and retarget, you morons! They're--" The officer turned back to the elevator, which was now devoid of people. Unoccupied. His heart sank, fear rising and adrenaline pumping. Kodachi was NOT going to like this. With luck, he might not be brought to her for debriefing in the usual way. Unless... "YOU!" he said, pointing to the nearest officer. "Weren't you in charge of gun calibration? How could you not notice that ALL of the guns were maligned?" "B... but I wasn't told to do any calibration..." the soldier stammered, unprepared for the accusation. "Yes you were, and these men here will back me up on this, right?" the officer asked, turning to the other men. They nodded vigorously, recognizing a proven Ministry of Peace Pain Evasion Tactic. "You've failed in your duty to your country. Gentlemen, arrest that man and have him delivered the usual way." "No! Please!" the solider begged, before the nearest six guys tackled him to the ground. The officer let out a sigh of relief. When it doubt, pass the blame. It was the only way to stay alive in this Ministry for more than a month. "And will someone go grab that umbrella?" the soldier asked, pointing to the only object left in the elevator. "We might need it for evidence." * Ryouga wheezed, dumping his load of bodies in the alley. Even for a man of his strength, three people was quite a burden... especially one that was awake and protesting. "About TIME you put me down," Gosunkugi grumbled. "Who are you, anyway? Ministry of Data?" "Freelance now," Ryouga said. "You're VERY lucky I managed to open my umbrella and toss it in there before they hit you. You and Akane would be dead otherwise." "You mean to tell me that you have a bulletproof umbrella? What are you, James Bond?" "HAD a bulletproof umbrella. I had to leave it behind to get you three out," Ryouga said. "That took me years to make, you know." "I feel your loss. Can I go home now?" Gosunkugi said. "Depends. Which one of you is the human that Akane was seen with earlier?" Ryouga asked. "That would be him," Gosunkugi said, pointing to the fitfully sleeping Ranma. "Ranma Saotome." "Ranma Saotome?" Ryouga asked. "Okay, then, I don't need you. Go away." Gosunkugi didn't need much more coercion than that. He bid a silent farewell to Akane and took off running. Ryouga watched him leave to make sure he wouldn't be followed, scooped up the snoozing pair and hiked off into the night. * "AAUAUUGUUAUAUAUUUHHHH NO NO AAUUU--" the scapegoat soldier screamed, voice cut short as Kodachi closed the door to the chamber behind her. "I can explain, Commander of the Peace," the humiliated commanding officer said, in his most grovelling tone. "See, umm, we THOUGHT we hit them, but I guess the fool in there had sabotaged our weapons or something--" "Relax, corporal, I know the story," Kodachi said, toying with the pockmarked umbrella in her hand. "For your own ego, don't worry, you hit them square on the mark. Something was in the way, though." "What, that umbrella?" the officer asked. "Don't be silly, we've got the strongest ammo allowed by law. How could a bamboo umbrella stop a few dozen guns?" "It's not a normal umbrella," she said. "It belongs to a particular Ryouga extender, one without a real name. You've done well, corporal." "B... but they got away!" "Are you arguing with my review of your performance?" Kodachi asked. "Would you rather I say you're disgraced this Ministry and have you debriefed like your friend? Kodachi opened the door a crack, letting the previously soundproofed wails out for a mere moment to let the point sink in. "No! No. Thank you for your approval," the officer begged. "But still... if you don't mind me asking... if they've escaped, how is it good?" "They haven't escaped," Kodachi said, closing the door. "Our Ryouga Hibiki will take care of the rest." "Your judgement, as usual, is flawless, ma'am," the officer nodded. "Umm. But if you know that it wasn't a problem of aim, why continue... debriefing the munitions officer?" "Why not?" Kodachi shrugged, letting a smile play across her mouth. She popped the umbrella open and set it over her shoulder like a parasol, wandering down the hall. The officer tried to ignore her trademarked insane laugh as she faded from view. * Somewhere, deep in the subterranean levels of Tokyo, a room was being redecorated. The boys in charge of the painting couldn't help but laugh. The mural was perfect; in traditional manga-art style, it was easy to make out the form of Kodachi Kunou getting ready to stuff a pie in Nabiki's face, while Kasumi sits slumped against her with a dripping cream pie already planted on the top of her head. And below it, in perfect english lettering, the words : THE THREE STOOGES OF TOKYO, NYUK NYUK NYUK. "That's rich, man," one boy laughed, slapping the other on the back. "It's PERFECT. When do you want to launch the thing?" "Tonight sounds fine here," the slapped boy said, recovering from the laughs. "Good art must be shared with the masses. Chao, please stop trying to set the wall on fire." "I'm just trying to see if you used flammable paint," the boy with the lighter grumbled, pocketing it. "Of course I did. And I'd rather not have to break out the extinguisher again, thank you. Hey, Ryouga, how fares our guests?" "They're still out," Ryouga said, standing by the table they had laid Akane and Ranma out on to recover. "I hope they weren't hurt..." "I can call in a Tofu if you want," the first boy said. "We've got a good deal with George Tofu, half off the normal going rate. He sympathizes with The Cause(tm)." "Thank you, Jodan, but I wouldn't want to impose..." "No imposing!" Jodan said, waving the notion away. "You're good for the Ministry of Chaos, Ryouga. You can lift the heavy stuff. We're all total wuss-bags compared to you." "It's a knack," Ryouga said. "I think they're coming around. Akane, talk to me... are you hurt?" Akane's head lolled back and forth uncomfortably on the cheap table, trying to bring itself back to life. Ryouga leaned in close to see if she was breathing correctly, and was rewarded with a slap across the cheek. "THAT'S for kidnapping us," Akane said, eyes popping open. "Where are we? Where's Ranma?" Ryouga knelt where he was, stunned by the blow. Akane rolled over, poking the sleeping Ranma a few times. "Wake up, baka." "Mrprpmhh... wha... wha?" Ranma asked, looking up. "Am I dead?" "No," Jodan said, walking forward to greet the boy. "Ryouga here saved you at the last minute. Either that our you'd be swiss cheese city. Welcome to our home of homes." "Where are we?" Ranma asked, trying to see in the dim light of a single lightbulb. He pulled himself off the table, regaining his land legs. "Subway station 110a," Jodan said. "You're safe, don't panic. We're the good guys. Gentlemen, let us continue our work and let these three sort things out. Ryouga, you explain the situation to 'em, take it away." "Thanks, Jodan. I'm glad I've found you again, Akane," Ryouga said. "And to think I almost lost you..." "Huh?" Akane asked, sitting up and getting off the table. "I don't think you know yet," Ryouga explained. "But I'm the one who helped you gain your independence. I gave you my immunity to the inhibitors." "The what?" "Inhibitors," Ryouga said. "Sort of like mental patches the Ministry of Data puts in all extenders. They prevent clones from breaking the law, they cover over the clone's normal personality and memory. Essentially, it keeps us in line." "But I'm not an extender," Akane said. "I'm Akane Tendo." "It's normal to feel a bit disoriented," Ryouga nodded. "I call myself Ryouga Hibiki, because I'm close enough to him to match. My legal name is worthless. But I'm still an extender, and so are you." "Wait," Ranma said. "You mean to tell me you're the one responsible for this mess??" "Indirectly, yeah," Ryouga nodded. "Believe me, I had no idea this would happen, or that you would get dragged into it, Ranma. Don't worry, I'll take over from here for you." "Take over?" "I'm the one who freed Akane from her mental bonds so we could start a new race of free extenders," Ryouga said. "I'll keep you safe, Akane. The Ministries will never find us down here." "S'cuze me, jack, but Akane happens to be engaged to ME," Ranma said. "ENGAGED?" Ryouga asked. "How... how did this happen?" "It was that baka's dad who set it up," Akane said, pointing. "I certainly don't want to get married to a hentai like him." "Hey!" "Ryouga, look, I know you mean well," Akane said, "But I can't be the Akane you're looking for. I'm the original. I remember the Tendo Dojo, I remember my sisters, I even remember my mother from before she died..." "It's a side effect. It'll fade away eventually." "I don't WANT it to fade away!" Akane said. "I'm not a clone, you nitwit, I'm a human! A HUMAN!" "Okay, I think everybody here needs to calm down," Ranma said. "Ryouga, quit it with this nonsense about her being a clone, it's upsetting her." "I'm not upset," Akane said in an upset tone. "But it's the truth!" Ryouga said. "How can she deny the truth? It'd be like denying that two plus two is four." "We don't have anything to go on but your say," Ranma said. "I'd hardly call that conclusive. From what I've learned, you need to get more information than that before you can run around proclaiming truth." "What else COULD she be?" Ryouga asked. "She came to you in a crate, right? Foam peanuts? She's an extender, then. The real Akane died in a car bomb years ago. How could she get from there to here, a freak wormhole? Come on, Akane, listen to reason!" "I'm human!" Akane protested. "I can't be a clone!" "Bub, back off," Ranma warned. "You're really pushing it here." "What do you care?" Ryouga asked. "She said she didn't want to marry you. Do you want to marry her?" "What? No! Of course not!" "Then the matter is settled and she's mine," Ryouga said, holding an outstretched hand to Akane. "You've got no right to her, Ranma. Come on, Akane, let's go." Akane's eyes flashed red in anger, as she grabbed the table one handed and smashed it directly over Ryouga's head. Ryouga crumpled like an origami bird, crashing to the ground with the table over him. All eyes in the room focused on the impact, feeling a bit of mutual pain. "Nobody OWNS me. Got it?" Akane said, sternly. "I'm going to bed. It's been a HARD DAY and I don't want to hear anything more about this. You! Jodan. Where can I sleep?" "Uhh..." Jodan said, "Well, umm... I keep a crash room off to the left here--" Akane wordlessly marched out of the room, and slammed the makeshift door to the guest room behind her. The surviving males of the room looked at the door, wondering if it would explode from the forceful closing. "I... I think I'd better make sure she's okay," Ranma muttered, and carefully opened the door again. "Chao? Raph? Am I wrong, or did I just see someone clock the world's strongest teenager with our imitation stone table?" Jodan asked. "You're not wrong," Chao said. "Wow, man. Good follow through on that swing. She'd be good at a riot." Jodan picked his way across the room to the table, and lifted up a corner. "Ryouga-kun? You alive under there?" "Mmph," Ryouga replied. "He's okay!" Jodan cheered, dropping the table corner again to an accompanying yelp. "Come on, guys, let's get this thing off of him." * "He's out of his mind," Akane concluded, pacing around the room at a rapid pace as Ranma watched from the cot. "Completely out of his mind. A clone? HA! Do I look like a clone to you?" "Well--" "DO I?" "Yaah! Look, Akane, I don't know yet," Ranma said. "I'm not saying you are, I'm not saying you aren't, but we don't know enough to decide on either." "I wasn't very sure at first... since I WAS in a crate... but I remember it all!" Akane said. "Dad's overreacting to everything, Kasumi's cooking, Nabiki always getting the house out of debt... how could a clone know any of that?" "I don't honestly know." "This is so annoying. I wish the Ministry of Data would have made extenders something... more," Akane said. "Or something less. Just something identifying. Maybe a four year lifespan, or a metal endoskeleton, or no need for food and rest... extenders are too human to identify from the rest of the population. YOU could be an extender for all I know." "Yeah, right," Ranma laughed. "I've got birth records to prove otherwise." "Birth records!" Akane said. "That's it. If I can find my birth record, I'll be in the clear!" "It wouldn't work," Ranma said, shaking his head. "The closest an extender would have would be a purchase order. The only birth record you'd find would be for the original Akane Tendo, which doesn't prove it one way or another." "ARGH!" Akane growled in frustration. "This is the most confusing night of my life! I'd hate to be an extender and have the only night I've been alive be so perplexing." "I wish I could help, really," Ranma said. "I'm just as puzzled as you are. I'm almost willing to turn myself into the Ministry of Peace. I might be horribly tortured and maimed, but at least I'd know WHY." Akane looked horrified. "Ranma, don't SAY things like that." "Relax, I'm not going to," Ranma smirked. "Besides, why would you care?" "Well... I wouldn't," Akane said. "I mean, I wouldn't for you as a person, but to have any hu... living thing to die is awful, right? Right." "Thought so," Ranma said. "In that case, I'd hate for you as a person to get caught, but you yourself can go off with Ryouga for all I care." "Hmph. Whatever. I'm going to bed," Akane said, stretching out. She sat down on a nearby cot. "Extender or not, I need some sleep." "Err, Akane?" "What?" "You're on my cot," Ranma said, pointing. "It's the only cot, baka. Oh, wait... it's the only cot?" Akane asked, looking around. "We can't exactly both sleep on the same cot... it'd be... I'll take the floor." "No, don't bother," Ranma said, getting up. "I'll take the floor, you can have the cot. It's more restful, and you could use your rest. It's traditional for the guy to ride the carpet anyway." "What, just because I'm a girl I can't sleep on the floor?" Akane asked. "I'll sleep there anyway!" "Suit yourself," Ranma said, lying down carefully. "I'm too tired to argue. I don't want to argue anymore..." "Me either..." Akane said, relaxing on the floor. Within moments, both were fast asleep. * "All set," Jodan said, kicking the small robot in its metallic rear. "Once put into action, this little baby'll slap your cartoon all over the city until someone blows it up. The miracle of modern technology!" "And if someone does wreck it?" Chao asked. "Paintbomb," Jodan grinned. "Splooey! And with Raphael's famous t-shirt paint, they'll have to wash it a few thousand times to get the gunk out. I loaded it with a lovely vomit color." "I still say it should explode into a wall of flame," Chao said. "The little graffiti-bot looks like a bomb as is." "Chao, EVERYTHING looks like a bomb to you," Raph laughed. "Bombs are seventy five percent of your personality. You're practically a fire otaku." "I think the bastards deserve a little hot foot," Chao said. "Only YOU never let me." "We're not trying to get arrested, Chao, we're trying to play with the minds of man and have some yuks. That's what Ministry of Confusion is about." "And the news reports of bombs and mayhem?" Chao asked. "Who's doing THAT in our name if we're not? That's what we should be doing." "Don't ask me who's using our name in vain, I just work here," Jodan said. "Alright, Raph, Chao, you two deploy our mechanical paintbrush here. Use the number six stairwell, they've been poking around number three lately." "Check, boss. Come on, firebug, let's go," Raph said. "Start pushing. I thought we got Ryouga to carry the heavy stuff." "Go easy on him, huh? He's had a hard day," Jodan said. "Ryouga, you feeling any better?" Nothing but silence from the Hibiki sitting in the corner. Raph and Chao paused for a moment, shrugged, and started the long process of carrying the robot to the subway exit. Jodan crept over to Ryouga, taking a seat next to him. "Bad day?" he asked lamely. "Bad life," Ryouga said. "I can't believe I was so insensitive... 'She's Mine'. What was I thinking, Jodan?" "Ryouga, you yourself said the point of being a inhibitor- free extender was to be able to pick your own destiny," Jodan reminded him. "You can't expect Akane to go along with everything you say because you helped her into independence. Maybe with a normal inhibited Akane you could... all the Akane extenders I've seen are extra-nice and inoffensive." "I know why, too," Ryouga said. "The inhibitors we put in Akanes cover up her original personality. Her clone base had an incredibly strong personality, we needed Ryouga model plugs to keep it in check." "I can see why you're so pissed off about the whole extender situation. You've had to deal with it on a daily basis." "Tell me about it. My job is to butcher people. We're turning out a hundred clones a year, and going out of our way to make them different in an identical way. It's awful. What're they trying to do?" "Me, I don't worry," Jodan said. "Government is as government does. The Ministry of Economics will start a strike force to eliminate theft one day and the janitors will handle murder cases the next. Maybe tomorrow the Ministry of Data will start selling ice cream. It's one big-ass Ministry of Confusion. I gotta thank whoever coined that term; it's made a wonderful rallying cry against everything that sucks in Tokyo." "But you don't DO any rallying against it!" Ryouga said. "You paint stupid drawings on the walls, you run propaganda flyers, you egg the Ministry of Peace. None of that is making a difference." "Ryouga, we're punks," Jodan said. "Jokers. We're not the terrorists the news claims we are and never wanted to be. We're just trying to have fun at some higher-ups expense. We could never change the situation even if we wanted to, so we're just enjoying it. Now lighten up a little, eh? We're housing and feeding you, you know." "I know, I know. I'm sorry." "It's okay. Now, you've got more pressing needs. What're you going to do about Akane? You made the situation, you need to handle it. It's obvious she's attached to Ranma already." "No she isn't. She said she wasn't," Ryouga stated. "Read between the lines, man. Why would Ranma insist that you stop badgering her? If they didn't care one iota for each other Ranma wouldn't even BE here. We're not talking bodice- ripping rip your heart out romance of the century, but we're not taking the bitter hatred it looks like either." "Jodan, you're a wise man, a wiseguy in a way, but you're wrong," Ryouga said. "Akane is NOT in love with Ranma. It's just... stupid. The problem is that she's not in love with me, either." "Was she supposed to be?" "Yes!" "What, you engineered a personality plug for it?" "Ye... NO!" Ryouga yelled. "God, Jodan, how can you ACCUSE me of something like that? You know I hate those damn things." "Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, I take it back. Why would you expect her to love you, though?" "I don't know. Maybe because I love her?" Ryouga asked. "I can't help it. It's weird, I've worked with Akane extenders all my life, but I never thought one particular one would stick out from the bunch and send me spinning like this..." "My suggestion is to tell her that," Jodan said. "I'll go wake her up." "No! No, Ryouga, you fool, TIMING. Timing is the key to any joke," Jodan said. "Not now. Wait until the moment presents itself. Make sure Ranma's not around, too. If you're lucky, and she feels the same way deep down, you'll be okay." "And if I'm unlucky?" "Don't think about the unlucky. Just roll with it," Jodan suggested, making a little wave motion with his hand. "Rock on and see how things turn out. Passive is the only way to go." "Alright. I'll give it a shot... later. For now, Akane's right, it has been a long day. Where can I crash?" "Use Chao's room," Jodan offered. "Down the tunnel there and to the right. Mind the ashes, they're slippery. Boy's got a rather one dimensional personality, bless his soul." * So, the late hours of night descended upon Tokyo. Far below the surface, the members of the Ministry of Confusion practical joke club slept soundly, Chao snoozing on the living room table as a result of room displacement. Nothing stirred; the ancient trains in the tunnels beyond made no sounds. Even the rats were asleep. A lone figure was not stirring, but he wasn't asleep either. Moving with a gliding step that rivaled the wind, the man made his way to the crash room, to Akane. His intentions were not the purest. Specifically, he was going to kill her. His intentions were clear; Tomboy Akane Saotome was to die, as well as Ranma Saotome. He knew what he had to do. Turning the knob slowly, as not to scrape the metals together enough to make a sound, he opened the door to the crash room. In the bad lighting, he made out the two sleeping victims. He decided on Akane first. The killer took the pillow from the unused cot, and knelt down to push it over her face. A few minutes would be all it took, if he wanted to. Didn't he want to? The killer paused, pillow mere inches from Akane's sleeping form. He was going to, of course, in the end, but the matter of want was questionable. Did he genuinely want this? It didn't matter of course, since he was supposed to do it anyway, but he didn't know he didn't want to. He didn't want to. The killer thought about this, trying to hear some far off sound that was screaming no to him. He considered ignoring it, but they hadn't killed his curiosity; nothing said he couldn't examine this noise before killing them. The man walked out of the crash room, pillow in hand, trying to trace the noise. It was distant, but he couldn't pinpoint the direction. He turned his head experimentally to track the panning, but there was no change. Perhaps it was directly above him? Directly below? No, it's inside you. The man reeled, trying to figure out where that sudden, crisp voice can from. He didn't notice the figure creeping up on him until it was too late; the killer was pushed to the ground, grabbed from inside and crushed until dead... Ryouga gasped for breath, sweating. He couldn't believe what almost happened; he almost KILLED AKANE. What made him think he had to do that? He was damn lucky he noticed what he was doing and stopped himself before it could have happened... a strange stopping power, just like... the time he overrode his inhibitors. Damn. Kodachi. Kodachi let him go, but put something in his head while he was out to make him into the perfect assassin! Ryouga managed to destroy that new inhibitor, since had gotten used to the practice of stomping out mental bugfixes, but still... he had nearly... Ryouga dropped the pillow. What if there were more plugs in his head? What if Kodachi did something else to him? She more than likely would, since he'd easily override the first one. He would be a danger to his beloved Akane... It wasn't safe to be around her, but he couldn't just LEAVE her with that Ranma moron. What could he do? Not much. Kodachi had forced his hand; if he wanted to ensure her safety, he had to stay away. Ryouga muttered a silent curse against the Commander of the Peace and ran off. Hopefully, Ranma would keep her safe... until he could again. Ryouga charged out of the underground complex, in a completely random direction. He kept running, occasionally through a wall or two; he wanted to keep his distance between himself and Akane. Sometime soon, he promised himself, when I'm sure she'll be safe from me, I'll come back. Then she'll know he loved her and that would be that. It was only a matter of time. Ryouga lost her once and found her again; he could lose her once more and find her a third time. Now if only he could find his way out of these lousy subway tunnels... End of File Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.4 Private use only