Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 9

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ranma looked at Ranma who looked right back at Ranma.

     "Who're you?" they asked each other.

     "You first," they added.

     "Stop that!" they demanded.

     "Maybe I should handle the introductions," Ukyou suggested. 
"Ranma with the pigtail, what's your name?"

     "I'm Ranma Saotome," Ranma said.

     "I'm Ranma Kuonji," the other Ranma said.  "I'm you too."

     Ranma gave the boy a lookover.  He didn't look a THING like
him!  His hair was a tacky blonde, obviously bleached, and he
didn't have Ranma's favorite haircut; the braided pigtail.  He
wasn't wearing the latest Chinese fashions, ether, just a simple
apron and work clothes.  Okay, so maybe the face, eyes, stature,
mannerisms and voice were the same, but that didn't mean
anything.

     "I figured this would happen eventually," Ranma K. said. 
"How much do you know about this?"

     "About what?" Ranma asked.

     "About... well, what you are," Ranma K. said.  "If you don't
know anything, good for you."

     "But... I'm... you're..." Ranma started, at a loss for
words.  "Huh?"

     The blonde Ranma hung his head, frustrated.  "You shouldn't
have brought him here, Ucchan.  Talk about your kettle of worms. 
We could sell live bait at this point."

     "I had to do SOMETHING, Ran-chan!" Ukyou said, stepping
forward to argue with Ranma K.  "He was being chased by Miss
Hinako.  You didn't see her; she was enraged!  I had to bail him
out of there.  I would have done it for anybody else."

     "Yeah, but anybody else wouldn't have had culture shock upon
entering the restaurant," Ranma K. retorted.  "Next thing you
know you'll be dragging Ministry of Economics guys in to meet
your faithful husband."

     "Husband?" Ranma Saotome asked weakly.  "What's going on?"

     "Ranma, you're having a horrible nightmare," Ranma K. said. 
"You hit your head at school and you're hallucinating in your
sleep.  It's an awful nightmare and you want to get out of it. 
Walk away from the restaurant, pinch yourself and forget it ever
happened.  Go home.  It's better that way."

     "Whoa.  I am NOT dreaming," Ranma said.  "And unless you
explain pretty damn pronto who you are and why you look exactly
like me, I'm going to have to hurt you."

     "Was I that violent?" Ranma K. asked the girl.

     "Pronto is almost up," Ranma warned.

     "Okay, okay!  Sheesh.  You're just as pushy as I used to be. 
If you want to know so badly... Ucchan, can you talk it over with
him?  I'll go make us some tea," Ranma K. said.

     Ukyou nodded, and turned to the dark haired Ranma.  The
other one slipped through the curtain and into the kitchen area. 
"Have a seat, Ranma.  This could take awhile.  You'll have to
pardon Ra... him, he doesn't like trouble."

     Ranma nodded, not out of comprehension but out of instinct,
and took a seat at a nearby table.

     "Do you know about, whatsit, Experiment-R?" Ukyou asked.

     "I've heard about it," Ranma nodded.  "I didn't believe it,
though."

     "Why?"

     "It was ridiculous, that's why!  Yeah, right, me : a clone."

     "But you are," Ukyou said.  "That boy there is the person
they cloned you off of.  He's the original Ranma Saotome, the
human one."

     "And the hair?"

     "He changed it so nobody could immediately recognize him
after escaping from the Ministry of Economics," Ukyou said.  "I
had a new record, a Ranma Kuonji, added to the MoD data files so
we'd be safe.  He keeps a low profile and nobody notices or
cares.  We're doing okay."

     "Who're you, then?" Ranma asked.

     "I guess they made you forget," Ukyou frowned slightly. 
"Ranma suggested that they'd remove most of your childhood links
to people here in Nerima before you woke up... notably your
fiancee."

     "I've never had a fiancee."

     "Actually, you did.  Or rather, he did... it's very
complicated..."

     "No it isn't," Ranma K. said, walking out of the kitchen
with a tray of teacups and okonomiyaki.  He set it down on the
center of the table and had a seat.  "It's very simple.  I grew
up, I went to school, I got engaged and three days later MoE
kidnaps me for some experiment.  I manage to escape when some
idiot causes an explosion in the lab and I hightail it for home. 
End of my story.  Yours begins there, and since you know that
part already--"

     "You have any proof to back that up?"

     "I don't need any," Ranma K. said.  "It should be plainly
obvious.  You know about Experiment-R, right?"

     "Supposedly."

     "Okay.  It's all true.  The pieces snap together, right?  It
explains how you and I can both be here."

     "How about if YOU'RE the clone and I'm the human?"

     "Memory," Ranma K. said.  "Do you remember Ucchan?"

     "Who?" Ranma asked.

     "That would be me," Ukyou said, sliding over to Ranma K.'s
side.  "Pet name."

     "I take it that's a no," Ranma K. said, joining Ukyou.  "You
remember Furinkan?  Your old home?  Your old friends?  Anybody?"

     "I've never LIVED here," Ranma testified.

     "Well, Ukyou here can swear that you did, as can a lot of
other people," Ranma K. said.  "When you left, I arrived.  To the
public and to the Ministry of Data we're different people, but in
other respects we're the same."

     "So we're both human?"

     "Err, not the same that way," Ranma K. corrected himself. 
"Okay, enough facts for you.  Now my turn to ask a question. 
What are you doing here?"

     "I'm... doing stuff," Ranma said.

     "He was groping Miss Hinako," Ukyou stated flatly.

     "You trying to give my old life a hentai rep, Ranma?" the
other boy asked, annoyed.

     "NO!" Ranma said.  "I was trying to cancel her power.  I was
aiming for pressure points, that's all.  It just didn't work for
some reason.  See, I have this printout Doctor Tofu gave me..."

     Ranma fished the printout from his backpack, pulling it out
of the slot between two thermoses.  He smoothed out the crumpled
paper and placed it on the table.

     The other two examined it curiously.  "Hmm," Ukyou hummed. 
"It says here you need to apply pressure once a day for a month
to cancel the power."

     Ranma paused.  "It does?  Where?"

     "Small print," Ukyou said, tapping the paper.  "Didn't you
read it?"

     "I thought... I mean... Doctor..."

     "So you came to town to do that?  Why do you care?" Ranma #2
asked.  "This neck of the woods doesn't belong to you anymore."

     "What's your problem?" Ranma asked.

     "I'd rather you not be here, that's what," Ranma K. stated. 
"The Ministry of Economics stripped away my family and my dojo
and my name and gave them all to you, free of charge.  Thanks to
you, I can't get my life back."

     "If you were so eager to get your identity back, why'd you
crawl into this hole as Ranma Kuonji, get a bad haircut and
pretend you weren't yourself?" Ranma asked.  "Why not fight back,
and show the truth?  You know what they did.  You could put the
MoE in a lot of hot water by letting the public know about the
experiment."

     Ranma K. considered this for .0008 seconds.  "No thanks."

     "No thanks?  What kind of Ranma Saotome gives up that
easily?"

     "I'm not Ranma Saotome anymore," John K. said.  "I'm Ranma
Kuonji, happy husband and restaurant manager.  Given the choice
between a safe life with Ucchan or a chance at getting myself
killed for exposing government scandal, I'll take the first
option.  I don't want the truth bad enough to die for it.  Ranma
Saotome doesn't take stupid risks."

     "Yes you do!"

     "No I don't!"

     "Yes you do!"

     "No I don't," Ranma K. repeated.  "Look, you don't remember
that lab.  They killed me in there, removing my soul bit by bit
and transplanting it into YOU.  They've got 'experiments' down
there that you'd go white at the mere mention of, that's how evil
the place is.  I have no intentions of going back there in the
name of my name.  If it means chopping my hair up, so be it."

     Ranma took this in.  "So that's how you feel, huh?"

     Ranma K. nodded.  "If you were wise, Ranma, you'd do what I
did.  Turn back.  Quit looking for answers in the dark.  If you
had left when you arrived you wouldn't be in the mental mess
you're in now.  Look where your stubbornness got you; you found
proof that you were a clone.  At least if you never insisted on
finding out who I was you could deny it.  Now you can't.  Don't
you see?  The truth hurts too much to let it into your system."

     "You know, I'm glad you decided not to take your old life
back," Ranma said.  "I don't think you deserve it.  Now if you'll
excuse me, I'm going to go be Ranma Saotome, extender or not. 
Thank you for the tea, Ukyou.  Ja ne."

     With that, Ranma got up and walked for the door, leaving the
restaurant without so much as a backward glance.

     "You shouldn't have dumped on him like that," Ukyou said. 
"Poor boy..."

     "He asked for it," Ranma said.  "Asked very directly.  It's
his own fault.  Come on, we've got to get the place clean for the
dinner crowd."

     "I'd better go talk to him," Ukyou said, getting up from the
table.

     "What about the restaurant?"

     "You know full well nobody comes for dinner," Ukyou said. 
"I'll be right back, Ranma."

                              *

     "Ranma, wait!" Ukyou called, running at top speed to catch
up with the boy, who was sluggishly proceeding down the sidewalk
away from Ucchan's.  "Wait up!"

     "Why?" Ranma asked, turning around.  "Mr. Real Ranma doesn't
want me around.  I've got work to do, anyway."

     "I'm sorry if he was a bit rude," Ukyou said.  "He's... he's
still got a bit of resentment for what happened to him, even if
he claims he's moved on.  I didn't think that you'd make him so
angry... I hoped maybe if he saw that his old life was in good
hands he'd be relieved..."

     "Didn't seem to work," Ranma noted.

     "He is you, you know.  He's the human you were based on."

     "I know, I know.  He's right; I have the proof now.  I guess
I can't deny it anymore, I'm a clone.  He's the one who should be
Ranma Saotome, not me.  I'm just a mutation of him."

     "He can't go back to that life now.  It's yours for the
taking," Ukyou said.  "And... well, frankly, you're wrong."

     "Nani?"

     "Ranma... my Ranma... really has changed," Ukyou said. 
"He's more of a mutation of you than the other way around.  The
boy I grew up with was a clever, lively person.  A rebel of
sorts.  He LOVED to ask questions, even to the point of getting
kicked out of a number of history classes..."

     "That happens to me too," Ranma nodded.

     "See, that's the difference," Ukyou said.  "He's changed.  I
don't know what the Ministry of Economics specifically did to
him, but the Ranma I got back wasn't the same.  He was...
quieter.  A bit more passive.  He was still the same loving,
caring soul, but with a bitter edge to it.  He didn't mean you
any ill..."

     "He didn't?"

     "Okay, he did a little," Ukyou admitted.  "Look, I just want
to make sure you're cool with this situation I accidentally
dumped you into.  I couldn't just let you walk away after I
thrust a personality crisis at you.  You're not a *complete*
stranger to me, you know..."

     "I'll be fine," Ranma said shakily.  "It'll.. It'll just
take a little while to deal with the fact that I'm a clone."

     "It's not all that bad, is it?" Ukyou asked.  "From what
little my Ran-chan told me, it sounded like they didn't do too
much to you.  You're effectively human, extender trademark or
not."

     "Effectively doesn't make you human," Ranma said.

     "It makes you close enough for me."

     "Not enough for me.  Ukyou, I've grown up trying to round
things off to all or nothing.  Like, a picture can't be a picture
until you can see all of it or none of it.  Either I have to be a
human or an extender, I can't pretend I'm some kind of half mix. 
If I'm human, great.  If I'm an extender..."

     "If you're an extender... ?"

     "I don't know.  Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different. 
For right now I really need to concentrate on being Ranma
Saotome, pure and simple..  Any other titles are secondary."

     "You are Ranma Saotome, alright," Ukyou nodded.  "A spitting
image of who you used to be back in the day."

     "Were you really in love with me... him... us... Ranma
Saotome back in the day?" Ranma asked.  "I wish I could remember,
really I do.  I honestly don't feel a thing about you."

     Ukyou nodded.  "Ranma and I we were friends from the very
start... without anybody else to turn to, we kind of turned to
each other.  We bought that restaurant back there after scrimping
and saving, and wanted to raise a family there... plans haven't
worked out very well."

     "Because he became a wuss?" Ranma smirked.

     "Ranma!  My Ran-chan is NOT a wuss!" Ukyou said sternly. 
"No, it's nothing like that.  We've got other problems... in
fact... what time is it?"

     "Around three, why?"

     "Three?  Uhoh... I gotta go."

     "Huh?  What's wrong?" Ranma asked.

     "I can't talk right now.  I forgot how late it was.  They'll
be here any second..."

     "Who's they?" Ranma asked.  "Ukyou, if you claim to know
whoever I am well enough, you KNOW I won't walk away from such a
blatant setup as that!"

     "Don't worry, Ranma, I'll handle it," Ukyou said.  "Look,
you go home.  Enjoy your life.  I shouldn't be a part of it
anymore.  Goodbye."

     With that, Ukyou turned around and ran back to the
restaurant.

     Ranma watched her go.  Hmm.  Maybe he should just pack it in
for the day.  He had no intentions of coming down to Furinkan for
a whole month just to fight Miss Hinako... declare the day a
failure and go home.  Argue with Akane, eat dinner, go to bed.

     Yeah, right, Ranma thought, breaking out into a run after
Ukyou.  Not until I find out what's troubling Ukyou.  I'd be
tossing and turning all night if I left the blank spots of the
picture unfilled.

                              *

     Meanwhile, across town, Akane was eating a pizza.

     School was done for her, and her new friend was treating her
to a free slice at the Burn The Roof Of Your Mouth Pizzeria. 
Normally she'd just go home with Ranma, but today was
suspiciously devoid of Saotomes.

     "So where is he, anyway?" Wrong Way asked.

     "Hmm?" Akane mumbled through some extra cheese.  She chewed
a bit and swallowed.  "I don't know.  He said he had some
errands... he's just skipping school, I guess.  He was pretty
mean about it, too."

     "What, did he yell at you for asking?"

     "No, he didn't!" Akane said angrily.  "That baka!"

     "Whoa, calm down, Akane--"

     "No, don't panic, I'm not mad at you," Akane corrected,
lowering her tone.  "See, we argue all the time.  It's almost
expected of us now.  Anything else is just... weird.  Today he
barely would talk to me, like he was ignoring me.  I wish he'd at
least tell me what's wrong."

     "That is mean," Wrong Way nodded.  "Still, it must be nice
to have a fiancee.  I don't have ANY ties to other people, much
less such romantic ones..."

     "There is nothing romantic about it," Akane said.  "Ranma
wouldn't know romance if it bit him on the--"

     "Still, at least you have someone," WW mused, cutting Akane
off in mid sentence.  "I'm still looking for Mr. Right.  He's out
there somewhere, I can feel it..."

     "WW, you've only been alive for a couple days," Akane
laughed.  "I don't think your ideal man is going to just barge
into the restaurant.  Give it some time.  I'm sure you'll find
someone you like."

     "I have someone I like!" WW brightened.  "I... I just don't
know who he is."

     *Break time's over, Wrong Way Tendo!* the PA speakers
crackled, stopping the cheesy italian music momentarily.  *I've
got a delivery here for you.  Come on back to the kitchen.*

     "Foo.  That's my cue," WW said, getting up from the checker-
clothed table.  "Gotta run.  If you ever need some dinner, stop
by.  Bring Ranma if you want."

     "Will do.  Umm, WW?"

     "Yeah?" WW asked, hand already on the doorknob.

     "That's the door to the bathroom," Akane said, pointing to
the WOMEN sign.  WW blinked, and released her grip on the
doorknob.  She gave an embarrassed little smile and walked off to
the kitchen.

     Akane munched on her foreign treat in silence.  It was nice
to find a friend at her school, especially... well, she'd have to
admit it, a clone of herself.  Akane read somewhere that hell was
being trapped for eternity with a copy of yourself, but trouble
hadn't even hinted at arising between the two girls.  Either one
Akane was too different from the clone norm or the other was, or
both of them.  'Cloning' an extender didn't mean a carbon copy. 
It was simply a matter of two different people sharing the same
face.

     Of course, Akane knew that she was the original.  Ryouga had
claimed she was a clone, but Akane simply didn't feel like one...
she had a past, complete with emotional links to her background. 
She could remember the taste of Kasumi's dishes.  She remembered
how angry she was when Nabiki sold photos of herself to the local
Kendo champion.  She even remembered her mother, and all the
emotional reactions she had when mom passed on.

     Akane didn't care about genetic makeup.  Ryouga had it
right.  Clone or not, Akane was close enough to the original to
be considered Akane Tendo in full.  Human in all respects despite
any labels she might be carrying.  Now if only she could ditch
the silly 'Tomboy' first name label she had gotten
accidentally...

     WHAM!  The door slammed open at full force, wobbling around
on its hinges after hitting a nearby table.  Akane looked up from
her pepperoni.

     "Where is the Saotome Dojo?!" the boy at the door demanded.

     "R... Ryouga?" Akane asked.

                                   *

     Ranma opened the door twenty seconds after Ukyou closed it,
and strode into the restaurant.

     Mr. Kuonji looked up from his mopping.  "What're you doing
back, Saotome?"

     "Where'd Ukyou go?" Ranma asked, walking through the
restaurant towards the kitchen.  Ranma K. blocked his path.

     "Beat it, Saotome," Ranma K. requested.  "You've gotten what
you've come for.  We don't need you around here."

     "Ukyou said something was wrong.  Something about a THEY,"
Ranma said.  "Who's 'they'?"

     "What do you care?" Ranma K. asked.  "They don't concern you
one iota.  You've got no stake in this restaurant."

     "So call me a freelance do-gooder.  Who's they?"

     "If I let you know, will you go away?"

     "Probably not, but I won't be leaving period until I know."

     "I'll give you one thing, Saotome," Ranma K. said, almost
cracking a smile.  "You're persistent.  Okay.  Go to the window
and peek out, but try not to be obvious."

     Ranma nodded, and walked over to one of the restaurant's
windows.  He pulled the venetian blinds apart slightly, and
surveyed the land.

     "Nobody's out here," he concluded.

     "Check out the signs."

     "You mean the Turn Left signs?" Ranma asked, looking away
from the blinds to respond.  "What about them?  They're all over
the city."

     "Since when do ten of them form a perfect line in the road
like that?" Ranma K. asked.

     "There aren't ten, just nine," Ranma said.

     "Nine?" Ranma K. asked.  "You sure?"

     "I can count, and so can you," Ranma said.

     "Damn.  One of them got in," Ranma K. said.  "Walk around
poking things.  He could be anything in here."

     "'Poking'?"

     Ranma K. was already pacing around the room, jabbing at bits
of furniture and potted plants.  Ranma shrugged and did the same,
poking at chairs, light fixtures, menus, tables that yelped--

     Ranma jumped back from the talking table, surprised.  The
table somehow sprouted a head from its cloth, and started
skittering like a crab across the room.

     "What the--?" Ranma started.  Ranma K. pushed him out of the
way and jumped on the table, trying to pin it to the ground.

     "UKYOU-SAMA!  We're heeeere!" the table shouted with glee,
bucking around in an attempt to throw the lighter haired Ranma
off.  Ranma Saotome dove in for the table legs, adding to the
weight dragging it down.

     A small girl popped out from under the table, causing the
cheap furniture disguise to crumple behind her.  Both Ranmas hit
the floor as the girl bounced across the restaurant like a
superball, making a beeline for the order counter.

     The girl jumped over the counter, and into the kitchen.

     "It's inside the perimeter!" Ranma Kuonji shouted.  "After
it!"

     Ranma nodded, putting the 'What are we trying to kill?'
question on the backburner for now.  The two jammed themselves
through the entrance to the kitchen at the same time, popping out
into the cooking area.

     "I got him," Ukyou said, one foot propped up on a four foot
spatula, which had the girl pinned to the ground.

     "OW!" the girl yelped.  "Ukyou-sama, please, not so hard! 
Please let go of us and we'll go out on a date."

     Ukyou's eyes flashed pure anger, as she scooped the girl up
into the air, and tee-balled her with the Spatula back into the
main restaurant area.

     "Incoming," Ranma K. said, examining the unusual number of
potted plants that had just appeared in the restaurant.  "The
Horde approacheth.  Ranma, if you don't mind, give us a hand
here."

     "What do you want me to do?" Ranma asked.

     "It's very simple.  See those plants?  Get them out of our
restaurant!"

                              *

     "A... Akane?" Ryouga asked, peering through the dim light of
the restaurant.

     "Ryouga!  Hi!  Come on inside, I was just finishing up an
early dinner," Akane waved, motioning for the boy to enter. 
"Where've you been?  We lost track of you that night..."

     "I was out looking for you!" Ryouga said, darting to Akane's
side and pulling up a chair too close for Akane's comfort.  She
nudged her chair away slightly.  "I saw the Ministry of Peace
take you away... oh god, the horrors they must have put you
through!  I tried to rescue you, but I got lost..."

     "It's okay, Ryouga-kun," Akane comforted.  "They let us go."

     "They... let you go?  No horrors?"

     "N... no, no horrors," Akane said unconvincingly.

     "That's not normal for them.  I thought they let me go too,
and they had put some kind of bug in my head... I hope they
didn't do anything like that to you--"

     "Ryouga, please, I'd rather not talk about it," Akane said. 
"It wasn't a fun night, even if I did survive through it.  So...
how have you been?"

     "Worried sick!" Ryouga exclaimed.  "I'm glad to see you're
okay, Akane.  How've you been holding up?"

     "Oh, okay," Akane said.  "I'm staying over at Ranma's.  We
argue a bit, but it's nothing really awful.  Life isn't bad."

     "You're staying with RANMA?!"

     "Well, he IS my fiancee-of-sorts," Akane said.

     "But Akane, now that I'm back, you don't need to live under
the roof of someone that hates you!" Ryouga joyfully stated.  "We
can go off and leave this horrible country behind us.  I think I
know the way to America or China or something..."

     "Umm... Ryouga-kun, I don't know how to break this to you,
but I'm not that extender you modified," Akane said.

     "But... but it IS you.  I traced the work order myself and
linked it to you.  You are an extender, after all, and you
exhibit behavior that proves you had your inhibitors removed--"

     "I know it LOOKS that way, but I'm not a clone," Akane said. 
"I can't do much to prove that, but I know it's the truth. 
You're just going to have to accept it."

     "Did Ranma put you up to this silliness?" Ryouga asked
suspiciously.

     "Of course not!"

     "Did the Ministry of Peace make you say this just so two
free extenders couldn't be together?"

     "NO!"

     "Alright, then if you're not the Akane I'm looking for, who
is?" Ryouga asked.  "What other Akane has the same non-subdued
personality you do?  What other Akane is allowed to break the law
or talk back to people?  Akane, I've wandered around Tokyo for
days looking for you.  Every time I saw an Akane extender, I
thought : could that be her?  But each time it was one of the
empty clones, lacking your spirit.  I've talked to over fifty
Akanes trying to find you, and found nothing but robotic drones."

     "Even if I am your Akane, I'm not just going to run off with
you!" Akane said, getting a bit angry.  "For crying out loud,
Ryouga, I'm not going to ditch my life here."

     "What's holding you here?  Is it that idiot Saotome?"

     "Of course not!  It's..." Akane started.  "It's a LOT of
things.  I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them
to, but hey, life sucks that way sometimes.  I simply can't be
the Akane you're looking for."

     "There aren't any other Akanes like you in this city,"
Ryouga said.  "I've checked.  And my Akane isn't just going to
barge through the door and into my life--"

     KNOCK KNOCK, went the door.  Ryouga paused.

     "Hold that thought," Akane said, and went for the door.

                              *

     "And STAY OUT!!!!" Ranma Kuonji shouted, hurling the last of
the chairs out of the restaurant.  It cried out in pain as it hit
the pavement, and scurried away, half its disguise lying in
broken bits on the street.  The other girls scrambled away, each
in varying costumes with varying degrees of damage to them.

     "HONESTLY!" Ukyou exclaimed, flopping backwards into a
nearby chair.  "You'd think he would have given up by now."

     "That's the weirdest battle I've ever been in," Ranma
Saotome said.  "We spot one of the disguised loons, toss her out,
and somehow she sneaks back in and hides again.  These little
street rats put up quite a fight too; look at these scratches and
bruises!  Do you know hard it is to get good skin with this
pollution?"

     "Those street rats are 'he's, actually," Ranma K. said.  "A
bunch of Tsubasa model extenders.  Ever hear of them?"

     "Can't say I have."

     "Only ten were made, thank goodness," Ukyou sighed. 
"Unfortunately, the clone base Tsubasa used to go to school with
me.  He's a bit... odd."

     "How odd is odd?"

     "Very odd," Ukyou said.  "First of all, he's a cross
dresser.  Second, he's a disguise expert and loves to sneak in as
a plant or bit of furniture.  Third, he's madly obsessed with me
and will stop at nothing to try and get me on a date.  Once they
realized that most of the original personality was leaking
through, they stopped production."

     "The original Tsubasa got married to someone else and
skipped town," Ranma K. said.  "I used to know him.  YOU used to
know him.  These clones are different, though; Tsubasa
volunteered to be cloned before he lost his Ukyou fetish... now
we have to deal with them each and every day.  They always show
up at three, and it typically takes an hour or two to make them
scurry off to regroup and plan for the next day."

     "I wish they'd give it a rest!" Ukyou scowled.  "I've GOT a
husband, thank you very much..."

     "You mean you have to beat them off with a stick EVERY DAY?"
Ranma gasped.  "That's... awful."

     "Nobody comes to our restaurant anymore," Ranma K. said,
hanging his head.  "The critics noticed the problem and labelled
the place a safety hazard.  We've also had to keep the Ministry
of Sanitation from closing us down.  It's doesn't matter if they
do, those hentai loons would chase Ucchan to the end of the
earth."

     "They only attack once a day, but it's a grueling once a
day," Ukyou added.  "Man, I'm beat.  I'm going to go in the back
and rest a little while.  Thanks for helping out, Ran-chan."

     "I always help out, Ucchan, I live here," Ranma K. smirked.

     "I meant him," Ukyou said, pointing to Saotome.  "I gotta go
rest.  That spatula's murder on your back and arms... Wake me for
the evening close up."

     With that, Ukyou headed off for the kitchen, and to the
living rooms behind it.  Ranma K. waited for the sound of her
closing the door.

     "Ran-chan?" Ranma K. asked.  "I thought she only called me
that..."

     "We're technically the same person," Ranma offered
helpfully.  "You keep saying that."

     "Whoa.  Draw the line, Saotome," Ranma K. said.  "You and I
are NOT alike.  I don't take chances like you do and you aren't
married to Ucchan.  We lead two different lives.  Why would she
call YOU Ran-chan?"

     "Hey, I don't know.  Ask her."

     "No.  You're the one who asks questions all the time, let's
see you answer one," Ranma K. stated.  "What was she telling you
when she ran out of here earlier?"

     "Not much, just apologizing for your behavior," Ranma said
flatly.

     "What do I have to apologize for?"

     "You didn't exactly roll out the welcome mat for me, Other
Ranma," Ranma said.  "Instead of an easy transition I got a
sledgehammer to the head."

     "What were you expecting, flowers and candy?  I didn't want
you here, you know that."

     "That's no reason to be mean about it.  What threat am I to
you, anyway?  I don't want anything you have."

     "I don't know that for sure," Ranma Kuonji said.  "I THOUGHT
the Ministry of Economics just wanted to see me for a tax audit,
then the next thing I know I'm in a basement cell.  I THOUGHT
they just wanted me to admit I was cheating on my taxes, but I
found out what was really going on; they were cloning me off
while I slept.  Have you ever seen some hideous half-grown THING
carrying your face, Saotome?  You ever been told by someone that
you didn't matter anymore, and everything you held dear was going
to be given to someone else who looked just like you?"

     "Umm... no?"

     "I have.  It hurts, Saotome.  I don't want to get involved
in that mess again.  I don't want the Ministries in my life. 
I've scavenged my own past for a few things I could still hold
onto, and found Ucchan.  Don't think for a minute I'm going to
just hand her over to you because you're more Ranma than I am."

     "Since when have I said I wanted Ucchan?" Ranma asked.

     "You haven't.  They never told me I was going to be cloned,
either.  I'm not taking that risk, Saotome.  I'm Ran-chan, not
you.  I want you to leave this restaurant and never come back. 
I've got my life and you've got mine and it's going to stay that
way.  I don't want the truth from you, I don't want to know why
you're here, I just want you to leave."

     "Hey, fine by me," Ranma said.  "I--"

     A scream ripped through the air, straight through the
noncombustible walls that separated the restaurant from the rest
of the building.  Both Ranmas straightened up and took notice at
the sounds of fighting coming from...

     "U... Ucchan?" Ranma K. stammered.

     Neither Ranma needed more prompting.  Ranma let his clone
base run ahead of him, plowing through door after door to reach--

     "UCCHAN!" Ranma K. screamed.

     The room was empty.

     There were signs of a scuffle; several broken Turn Left sign
parts notably, as well as large spatula indentations on the
walls.  The large bedroom window was wide open, curtains blowing
in the thick Tokyo air.

     Ukyou was gone.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.9
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