A Future We'd Like To See 1.38 - Hard Sell By Twoflower (Copyright 1994) Lucky me, lucky me. Lucky me who has to go shop around for the perfect defense mechanism. Lucky me who has to suffer humiliation for picking the wrong one. I'm not cut out for shopping. I can't handle it... I go to the supermarket with the sole intention of just getting a box of doughnuts. Then some clerk tapped me on the shoulder. "Anything I can help you with, sir?" I panic and blurt, "Yes, I'd like that, that, some of those, and fifteen of that." Then he gave me a knowing grin, and reminded me that I couldn't buy the checkout lady. I had actually pointed to some poor girl, who was only taking the job to work her way through school, and asked if she was for sale! People often wonder why I keep things like rutebegas, wheat treaties, and frozen fishsticks around if I don't like them. It's mostly because I'm too spineless to avoid buying them, and too spineless to let good food go to waste, down the garbage chute. After a day or two of denial, I usually donate the food to charity. I'm really popular at the local shelter. So why did they pick ME to go to the MekShow and find a suitable model for the defense project? Because I drew the shortest straw, that's why. I just know what's going to happen. I'll get hassled by salesmen, and either suffer an instantaneous brain hemorrhage or automatically select the biggest, most expensive, most useless 'mech in the show. My boss Tony spazzed when I brought in glazed instead of jelly; how will he react when I buy a glazed doughnut that costs upwards of fifty thousand credits?! Well, this jellyfish wouldn't go down without a fight. I had my positive reinforcement, non-gullibility pscyhotherapist approved treatment CD2s loaded up, and I was ready. Bring out your worst! I almost turned right around and walked out after paying my five-credit fee to enter the MekShow. Mechs! Hundreds of them! All under one roof (at least there would have been a roof, if someone hadn't destroyed it in yesterday's demonstrations). I tapped the PLAY button on my CD2. *Remember, nobody is pushing you into anything,* the calm, sensitive voice soothed, as light music played and a babbling brook churbled its way from my left ear to my right ear. *You don't have to buy it if you don't want to...* The CD2 was helping. I mean, they were right, there was no NEED to buy something just because the salesmen adores his product to the point of wanting to sleep with it. There was a slight side effect of the trickling sound effects -- I had to go to the bathroom -- but that could be dealt with. "Say, you there!" a salesman shouted to me, beckoning me onward to his stall. "You look like you're in the market for a large order of expensive machinery. Am I right or am I right?" *You don't NEED to tell them anything,* the CD2 said, just after I said yes. "Well, now that's more like it! Come on over, let's talk brass tacks." My feet involuntarily walked onward, towards the stall. I could feel the fires of Bad Purchase Hell licking my cheeks, but could do nothing to stop the death march. "Now, I can see you're a man of taste. Scruples. I'm gonna be frank with you, big fella... mind if I call you that? Anyway, I'm not here to push you into anything, nosiree, not at all. You just seem like the kind of guy who's in a bind, boss getting annoyed at you, everybody expecting success. Now, THIS little baby is just what you need to shut them ALL up. You'll show them who's the sensible buyer!" My god! This man knew my dreams! I WOULD show up to work, and laugh at all of them as... *Beware,* the CD2 gushed. *Salesmen can read your mind. They can use your own hopes and dreams against you.* "NOOOO!!" I screamed, wrenching out of the salesman's friendly grip, trying to ward off the evil. "Well, I can see you're a bit apprehensive. Tell you what. I'm going to give you this flyer, see. Now, you go somewhere quiet and look it over, and if you wanna, and I'm not saying you HAVE to, but if you really feel like you'd like to go with an UltraCheez Mecha 2000, you just come back here and I'll supply you with any you need. No pressure. See you soon!" I thanked the man six times, and stuffed the fistful of flyers into my backpack. I walked off, trying to stay in the median... walking the thin line that was equidistant from the stalls on the left and right of me. *Everything is going to be fine,* the tape continued happily. *You'll just make your purchase, and be done with it. It will be painless and fast. However, you do need to remember one very, very important thing.* What was that important thing? I squeezed my legs together to hold in the urge the CD2 was giving me and listened carefully. *To avoid making a bad purchase, you must remember one thing. One very important thing. In order to keep calm, relaxed, and level-headed enough to make a good decision, simply wicky wicky woo strum strum e-chord minor 'AH YEAH!'.* I paused in middle of a stride. Oh no! I forgot, I made a copy of the latest album by A Couple of White Guys With Guitars and a Scratchboard yesterday! I guess that CD2 wasn't quite as blank as I thought... There I was, stranded in the middle of the Mecha Expo, with metal rap in my ear and a serious urge to find the men's room. I had lost my guiding light! The one thing that would keep me from screwing up! I felt like exploding violently where I stood, but unfortunately, humans lack the ability to spontaneously combust. Okay, okay, we can handle this. Take it one step at a time. First step : find a bathroom. I strayed from the middle of the aisle to the badlands on either side, and tapped a random salesman on the shoulder. "Where's the--" "Say, buddy, you seem like someone that really needs a new 'mech. Am I right or am I right?" "I need to find--" "Here, it's easy. You need a mech, I have one to sell. Just sign here." He handed the pen of doom to me, and I started to sign my name in blood red ink before realizing what I was doing. I recoiled in horror, almost wetting my pants. "Something wrong, mac?" he called after me as I charged blindly down the aisle. I had to get away from here, to find somewhere quiet. Hopefully somewhere quiet behind some bushes. I opened the nearest door and entered. My, it's rather dark... I felt around the wall, looking for a light switch. My feet told me I was no longer on linoleum tile, but... dirt of some kind? I wandered away from the wall for a while, in hopes that the switch would be on the other side. The lights came on. This would normally be comforting, but given the surroundings, it wasn't. 50,000 people were looking at me from stands surrounding the arena. A large banner hung from the ceiling read MECHA SLUGFEST TONITE. I realized they weren't looking at me, really, but the hundred-foot tall robots on either side of me. After all, I was probably pretty hard to see; a tiny speck near the center of a huge arena. "IN THIS CORNER," the announcer boomed, nearly causing my eardrums to burst, "MURFTECH MODEL MEGAZOR 5000, AS SEEN ON TV!" There was applause as a large multicolored duroplastic robot stomped up and powered up at least fifty seven guns. "IN THE OTHER CORNER, CAT DRIVE SYSTEMS A300, THE ELIMINATOR!!!!" The other robot, with considerably more spikes on it, did a backflip. The ground shook, dumping me on my butt. I curled into a fetal position, praying that it would all just go away. "ARE YOU READY TO RUMMMBLLLEEEEEE??!?!?" The crowd cheered even louder. "ALRIGHT! LET'S GET FIGHTIN'! GO!" The two robots rushed me. I jumped to my feet in terror and ran north, then west, then south, then east, but didn't get anywhere. Finally, they slammed into each other, directly above me. They paused, crunched against each other, for a few seconds. The arena was silent. I somehow managed to hold my urine. Then there was this horrible creeeeaaakk... ...and both robots fell backwards, guidance systems shot in the crash. The ground shook, a 5.6 on the Richter, as the two robots smashed into the dirt, breaking most of the guns on their chassisieses in the process. A massive dust-cloud kicked up, blinding me and burning my lungs. I ran blindly for any wall- like surface I could find, pulled open a door, and charged. I then ran as fast as humanly possible in whatever direction this happened to be leading me. Luckily, this led me to another sales stall. Through it, really. The flimsy storefront collapsed as I smashed through it, sending flyers through the air like snowflakes. Well, 8.5x11 inch snowflakes. I didn't get to see them real well, since my momentum carried me head-first into a concrete wall. My vision redded out, then blacked out, and I decided to take a nap. No, fate wasn't even kind enough to let me enjoy these few hours of unconsciousness. Instead, I dreamed horrible dreams where salesmen in large robotic death machines chased me across an endless plain, covered in brochures. I was cornered and about to be Sold when the visions swam away. There was an angel hovering over me, her lovely head outlined by a halo of the purest white light. She had a slight smile, a caring, knowing kind of smile, kind of like the one your mother gives you after you crash the family car, but before she grounds you. "Hello," she said, in a voice smooth as silk, knowledgeable as the gods. "Hello. Is this heaven?" "What? No, it's the Mech Expo. You okay?" She stood back up, and the flood of light blinded me. My eyes ajusted very quickly, revealing the holy light to be a halogen spotlight, hanging just over an advertising sign. I was still laying right where I went out, in the middle of a wrecked stall. The angel was a salesman -- err, person. I stood up, and regretted it. I sat back down rather quickly. "Here, have an aspirin and some water. Figured you'd need it when you came to," she said, handing me a tablet and a plastic cup of water. "Err, thanks," I mumbled, and gulped down the pill. "You were out for an hour or so there. The medics said you'd be fine, just don't move you. Something wrong?" "Yeah," I said, reaching over my shoulder for my CD2 player, to see if it was damaged. "Where's my backpack?" "Hmm? Oh. Right here, I was checking it for your identification... saw the project specs you were shopping to fill, by the way, and put together a package I think will get you what you need for a good price." "Huh?" "Well, business is slow, and since I had nothing better to do... I think you'll find it's to your liking. I managed to squirm in some optional defense packages and still meet your budget." I examined the proposal she handed me. Wow! It was all there, down to the air conditioning. Everything my boss wanted, and for a few thousand UNDER what we were expecting to pay. "I... I..." I wanted to give her my thanks, to reach out and hug her for being my savior, for whisking away all my shopping worries while I was unconscious. "I wet my trousers," I managed, feeling a dampness. "I don't think I can help you with that," she said. "So, what do you think? I can understand if you don't want to buy it, really, it's kind of a strange situation." "NO! No. I mean, I'll take it. Really, the best way to shop is when you're out cold. I've learned that. Here's my company credit chip." She smiled, interfaced her company chip with mine, and tapped in the amount on the mini-keyboards. The digital readout shifted, moving vast amounts of money around. She gave me back my chip. "There you go. Thanks for picking us for your mecha needs!" I thanked her, and walked calmly and confidently out of the building. * It had gone really well, actually. Sure, I was nearly crushed to death by a pair of fighting robots, managed to destroy a stall with my forehead, and wet my pants, but I had made my purchase. And it was a GOOD one. Wait'll Tony sees this! "Good job!" he'll say, giving me a pat on the back. He always gave other people pats on the back, but never me. That'll be a change! I felt so sure of myself and on top of the world that I had already opened the door and sat down when I noticed someone had stolen my car. Landing with a damp thunk on the parking lot, I looked around for my land rover. It was gone! Someone stole it! NOW what would I do? And across the street was a large stadium. And over the stadium was a banner reading LAND ROVER EXPO. And I felt myself being dragged there, unseen demonic forces of Shopping pulling me against my will...