NEO-FWLS 2.3 - Bad Trip by Stefan Gagne Don't get me wrong. Working in a little hut out on the middle of nowhere in some jungle is very placid and scenic, but it can be the pits sometimes. See, the problem was that in Zephyr's quest to make the Ultimate Hallucinogenic, he had somehow gotten it into his head that leaves from the Canabawana tree would make for the most vivid images. However, according to the encyclopedia page we ripped from the public library, Canabawana trees only grew here, in this as yet unnamed jungle. The jungle's very pretty, all multicolors and such, but can be the pits, as mentioned. There're these weird snakes that try to sell you insurance... alright, before you start laughing and think I've been tripping already, I should mention that I've got witnesses as to this fact. Don't ask me how this happened. Snakes don't even have voice boxes for crying out loud. We've tried smoking leaves from about a dozen different kinds of plants, and although one of them made me throw up for an entire night, none of them came remotely close to what we were aiming for. Supposedly this Canabawana tree leaf, when refined, provided 12 hours of vivid, creative hallucinations with no side effects other than being slightly drowsy and noncreative the next day. He had heard about it from this one writer guy who claimed he had a small supply of it, and used it for inspiration on one of his novels. Since it won an award for best fictional work of the year, Zephyr figures the stuff'll sell for zillions, or something. "Got the next batch ready," Zephyr said, plopping down a crate of today's pickings from the jungle. "We'd better start sorting." "How much longer are we gonna be here?" I complained, sifting through the plants and picking out the pink ones, which made me vomit previously. "I'm sick of nonworking plumbing and such. I want to go home." "Frankie boy, if we find this plant, we'll be millionaires. No addictive qualities! No side effects! Just slap a warning label on it and it's actually legal in half the countries that have drug laws." "And if we don't find the plant, we'll have spent three months in the middle of nowhere sorting leaves. Not how I pictured my summer vacation to go, honestly." "Alright, we've got our yellow vinegrowers, the pink ones which make you sick, some violent ones here and a light blue fig. Which do we try first?" "I hate being a human guinea pig... violet. It's my favorite color." I fired up the bunsen burner and one of the violet leaves over the flame, both of us inhaling the smoke. Kinda smooth, in that you're not hacking to death with your eyes burning and your brain melting into paste, but not much else. "Negative on that one. Better put it in the log," I said, waving away fumes. "Give it a minute, these things usually take time to kick in," Zephyr suggested as the blue booth materialized outside the hut. We both blinked. "Could this be it?" I wondered aloud. "Kinda odd though, it's fully formed, non-transparent and is even giving off an odd hum. What's a 'Police Box'?" "Don't ask me," Zephyr said, shaking his head. He reached out of the shoddy hut doorframe and touched it. "Whaoh! Solid material. Or at least my mind thinks it is. Hang on." Zephyr walked towards the booth, and pressed against the side. "Nope, can't walk through it. I wonder--" The door opened slightly, and Zephyr fell inside. A man in a coat and scarf stepped out, adjusting his hat. "Terribly sorry about that. Did I disturb you?" the man asked in a thick Terran english accent. "Not really. And what might your name be, figment?" "Figment? I think you have me mixed up with someone else, I'm just the Doctor. Care for a jellybaby?" "A what?" I asked. "Some sort of narcotic?" "Well, I like them a bit, but I wouldn't throw it that far," he said, taking one out of a small bag and eating it. "Will you friend be picking himself off the Tardis floor sometime soon?" "Geez..." Zephyr said, peeling himself off the ground. "Frankie... come look in here... it's like bigger on the inside than the outside... pretty wild hallucination." "Well, it is a sort of optical illusion," the Doctor said. "Have either of you two seen an Amazing Object around here?" "Just jungle," I told the hallucination. "Hmmm. I guess I'll have to walk on foot. Better find it before the rest of them get here. Can either of you two act as a guide for me?" I opened my mouth to ask the hallucination why he was so realistic when I heard a rapidly fading scream. Well, whatever the word is for something fading in reverse. Getting closer, either way. "Oh dear," the Doctor said. "Seems I didn't arrive early enough." Before I could ask (seems I'm being interrupted a lot here), a large glass phone booth slammed into the jungle floor, odd antennae on top folding up and small sparks of electricity grounding themselves. "Can someone explain why I'm seeing this? You seeing it too, Frankie?" "I'm seeing it, yeah. Large phone booth, big red TELEPHONE on top?" "Same here. Consensual hallucination? Weird! This stuff'll sell big!" The phone booth door slid open, and two gangly youths stepped out. "I hate that part," the one with black hair said. "Hey, Doc dude!" "Hello, boys," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes. "Seen an Amazing whatsis around here?" the other house ape asked, looking around. "We're supposed to do one of those 'what'll the future be like' report thingys, and, like, figured we'd skip ahead and see ourselves--" "Sorry boys, but the Object doesn't really belong here," the Doctor said. "I have to bring it back to its normal time." "But dude, we need it for our project!" "I'm sure you boys can find some other wonder of the galaxy to use. I hear these two here are working on a new drug, or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to find the object before--" BAMF! BAMF! A large number of small saplings to the left of the hut flattened themselves and a large silver land rover crusted in ice rolled up. The door popped open upwards, oddly enough, and a white haired human stepped out. "Great scott!" he exclaimed. "Not you three!" "The other doc dude!" the second teen greeted. "I say, the gang IS all here," the original Doctor grumbled. "Heya, Doc Two," ANOTHER teenager said, climbing out of the land rover. "Object, right? We came to make sure you got it, or else my son's nephew is going to the electric chair for stealing it from my past self." "I thought you knocked it off of the museum shelf in 1988 and then those odd chaps who were looking for a disc of some kind on Rigel took it," the Doctor said. "Excellent," one of the two phone youths commented, as they broke into simultaneous air guitar. "Whoa. STOP THE MUSIC," I waved, halting all conversation. "What are all of you doing in my trip?" "This is a really weird one, I gotta admit," Zephyr said. With an odd little POP effect, a tall guy in weird clothing and a dumpy kid with an afro appeared out of nowhere, like a bad editing cut. "Where are we now, Mr. Fogg?" the kid asked. The man frowned and popped open a small pocket watch. "Red light, history's in trouble," he replied. "Will you two please leave?" the Doctor said. "I have the situation well in hand, actually. No need for all of us to do this." A large black rectangle slid up from the ground with a FWOOM noise, and four dwarves toppled out of it, with bags of gold jewelry and silverware. "Aww, jeez... get the map out, this doesn't look like England," one of them scowled, as the group disentangled itself. "Frankie, this is considerably weirder than anything I've experienced before," Zephyr whispered. "We are going to be RICH. Hey, what's that green ship way up there?" Sure enough, a lumpy green ship was careening out of control above the jungle. "That would be the Starbug," the Doctor frowned. "I should have predicted all of this, really, I am a time lord after all... next thing you now three singing black and white toons with the last name Warner will be coming out trying to sell cookies or something..." "Isn't the Avatar supposed to show next?" the second doc said, consulting a logbook. "I've been tracking our travels, and since he was seen on Mars a few years back--" "That's enough for me," I said. "Come on Zeph, this thing's too potent. Let's get inside and sleep it off, alright?" "Maybe Q's gonna stop by next..." the Doctor thought, checking the other doc's logbook. "Or those three in the green port-a-potties chasing the tentacle..." * It was a bit hard to sleep, with the various weirdos outside yakking up a storm about this Amazing Object thing. Sure enough, three cartoon characters showed up and engaged in really grating songs, which didn't help my sleep any more. There was also a pair of mice. One of them sounded like Orson Welles. By the time I woke up that evening, I guess the drug had worn off, since all the strange people were gone. "I guess I'd better mix in some neutral material to the leaf," Zephyr said, yawning from the nap. "I don't see how that writer took the stuff directly, it's just too strange." "Hey, Zeph, why are the tire marks from that Delorean still outside the hut?" I said, glancing out the window. "And the two squares where the booths were... and one of the dwarves seems to have dropped a cup..." "Aftereffects," Zephyr said. "Drugs'll do that do you." I never really understood why the aftereffects were still there one month later when we called it quits and left for home. Zephyr claimed he didn't see them anymore, so maybe it was all in my mind. Or his. Or maybe both of ours. Kids, don't do drugs. See what it did to us?