NEO-FWLS 2.6 - The Oracle by Stefan Gagne I would be excited, but my training has suppressed any major emotional reactions. You see, I had been preparing myself for this day for about fifteen years, studying hard under the mighty Pondering Monks of Tibet. Fifteen years of wearing those itchy robes. Fifteen years of sleeping sitting down in a small stone cell four feet by four feet by four feet. I had undergone the rituals, the hardships, the intense mental therapy all for this day. You see, there exists a mighty power in this universe. A prophet, if you will, that lives on the fourth mountain of this particular chain of mountains. Supposedly, he knows everything. When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING, from why men and women don't get along to why Aardvark is the first word in any dictionary. If it's got a question mark at the end of it, the Oracle of Mighty Power, Knowledge and Wisdom will know the answer. However, he only wants to see certain people that have undergone fifteen years of training and dedication. I guess he doesn't have enough time to see EVERYBODY, so there has to be some sort of qualification. All you need to do is become celibate, put on a robe, and live in a monastery for a really long time and BAM! you get your questions answered about life, the universe, and everything. There is the one rule, however; when you do get to meet the Oracle, you can only ask three questions. I had been preparing myself, memorizing my questions, chanting them as a mantra, having them tattooed on my rear end and such. I was ready for the day. The monk's only vehicle, a broken down Chevy Nova, gave me transportation to the mountainous landscape that fine morning. They dropped me off on a high plateau, overlooking the jagged edges of a volcano chain, over which the sun of rose in brilliant golden glory. There was a faint breeze in the air. The whole scene was picture perfect, just how I had imagined it. I glanced over at the cave mouth. That's where the Oracle of Mighty Power, Knowledge and Wisdom lived. I strode forward, pulled the Chain of Truth, and the Bells of Righteousness rang out in glorious harmony. Then a voice from inside the cave shouted, "Take a number!" I blinked, still holding the Chain of Truth, and noticed the Ticket Dispenser of Justice bolted to the other side of the cave mouth. I pulled out a little paper stub reading six. "Now serving number four," the voice in the cave said. "Umm, excuse me?" I replied. "This IS the cave of the Oracle of Mighty Power, Knowledge, and Wisdom, isn't it?" "Are you number four?" "Err, no." "Wait in line," the voice replied. "Now serving number four!" "I'm the only one out here!" I exclaimed. A kid in a baseball cap peeked out of the cave. "Hmm. Guess you're right. Well, now serving number six, then." "That's me." "Great. Okay, what can I do you for?" "Umm, you ARE the Oracle of Mighty Power, Knowledge, and Wisdom, right?" "Nope," he stated. "He's sick today. I'm filling in while he gets over a nasty stomach virus. He's giving me five bucks for it. So, whaddya need?" "Who are you, exactly?" "'ho, me? I'm his paperboy. I cover about three or four hermits living on remote mountains. One hell of a route, trust me. Good exercise and all." "Are you sure he can't answer me himself?" I asked. "I've sort of been training for fifteen years, and I'd really like to talk to the Oracle of Mighty--" "He's sick," the kid replied, with a shrug of the shoulders. "Look, I can call him up, but he gets really cranky when you interrupt his nap. Trust me, you don't want to see what the Oracle of Mighty Power, Knowledge and Wisdom looks like when he's cranky." I summoned my inner tranquility. This was not an easy thing to do. The situation was still salvagable, however, as the Oracle would not leave someone in charge of the cave unless they were sufficently enlightened to handle matters. Presumably. "Can you answer my three Most Honorable Questions?" "Hey, I'll give it a go," the paperboy grinned. "Are any of them about the news?" "Come again?" "The news. You know, current events. You get to keep up on that quite well when you have a paper route." "Well, no, they're more or less about the nature of the universe, man and his placement in the overall scheme of the eternal cosmos," I said. "Hmmm. Well, might as well try. What's your first one?" "Alright... OH, ORACLE OF MIGHTY--" "Just call me Benny," the kid interrupted. "What's the question?" "Mighty... umm... Benny, my first question I pose onto thee is thus." "Thee is thus? You sure that's good grammar? I took this quiz in English class the other day, and Mrs. Crabapple said--" "My QUESTION," I growled, "Is this. What is the meaning of life?" "Hmmm," he hmmmed. "That's a tough one. Do you have any easier ones I can start out with to warm up?" I shook my head. "Alright. Let's see, life, life... well, I think it's something along the lines of leading a good life, bein' kind to others, not spitting in the wind, ekcetera, ekcetera... what're your other two questions?" "What lies beyond this which we call life?" "Death, I think." "And Oracle, why must man have to choose between good and evil?" "Well, because there isn't an 'Undecided' slot on the ballot. How's that?" My shoulders shook with despair. "Can't you elaborate? I mean, I've travelled so far, worked so hard, and I think I deserve something more meaningful than those!" "Please, I'm just the sub," the kid protested. "I mean, if you'd like, you can come back tomorrow and ask the Oracle then. Unless that prescription I picked up for him doesn't work. 'e's allergic to quite a few things, that Oracle." "But no monk can ever return to this planet! It's a one shot deal!" "Oh. Guess you're screwed," he shrugged. "I don't believe it! Fifteen years of agonizing ritual, uncomfortable sleeping quarters and bland food for THIS? Where's the payment? The retribution for my sacrifices? Fifteen years closer to the grave and this is the thanks I get?!" "Well, there you go!" the kid piped in with, enthusiastically. "This should show you something about the nature of life and man's role in the universe!" That merited an irritated eyebrow quirk from my person. "Alright, mister replacement Oracle, how do you figure that?" I demanded to kn ow. "Well, I think it boils down to this simple phrase... 'Life sucks... and then you die.'" Hmm. The kid had a point there. Maybe that's what the Deities of Enlightenment are trying to show me. Perhaps that's what I've spent all this time trying to learn. Maybe... maybe I could start bringing this message to others! To comfort those who are depressed and don't understand why their hard work has turned up nothing! I could be a spokesperson for the oppressed, those who have been whacked over the head by life, those who have given their souls to a cause and gotten a buck fifty in change back! I could lead a new spiritual revival, a religion of pessimism, and wage a bold new frontier in the field of theology! Hmmm. Naah.