Copyright 2000, Stefan Gagne

Oh my! I forgot I was keeping a diary. It fell behind my dresser! Fortunately the voice activated lock was still working and my password, 'fashion', worked. Wai!

Today was so much fun! I went out shopping with Emi-chan and my other friends and we got a whole new wardrobe for autumn! She's got such a great eye for colors, I really admire Emi so very much. She pointed out each mistake I was about to make and saved me a lot of money! I would've bought all the wrong stuff if not for her. She cares so much about me, it's nice to have friends.

Then we all went and got sodas at the soda shop in the mall. We made fun of Taki who was working there -- an after school job! She's really poor and her dad's a drunk so she never has money, that's why she has to work. I'm glad I get such a big allowance -- although today I didn't have enough money to go shopping, so I had to make big doe eyes at Dad until he gave me more. Ami-chan taught me how to do that, and said it always works on adults when you want to get something out of them. She's so smart!

So we had sodas and bought stuff, and then I went home and got on the Internet and was instant messaging all my friends to talk about all the fun we had at the Mall. Emi made fun of Ami asking for a regular soda instead of a diet; she's gonna get fat if she keeps that up, then no boys will like her!

I'm not going to be like that, and in fact I'm gonna start a new diet tomorrow to make sure I'm thin. I want to try asking out Seiki-kun... I don't understand why he turned me down the first time. Maybe it was because I was too fat? Well, that won't be a problem any more! Emi scanned a magazine article about a new liquid diet and I'm going to use that. Emi's so thoughtful and caring, like a friend should be.

Tomorrow is a bright and shining day! I'll probably walk to school with Himei since I need her homework. I hope she's not too tired, she's been really tired lately and can't walk very fast. I was almost late yesterday because she stumbled a few times... but I walked with her the whole way anyway. I don't know why I did that, the teacher was upset at me and that hurt my standing in the class pecking order. Fortunately Emi never found out, she'd make fun of me... but anyway!

The future is bright and happy, and diary, I'm happy too, I think! I'll write again soon, I pinky-promise!

I totally forgot I was keeping a diary. It must've fallen behind my dresser again; the last entry is from weeks and weeks ago. I'm glad my mom didn't find this.

I almost wish I didn't find it. I was really wincing as I read that last one. Dear kami, was that really ME? I was so... shallow! I mean, just awful, just like Emi (caring? EMI? HA!) and...

And I think I was happy. I thought I was. I was probably wrong but at least I thought I was happy... I can't say that now. I know I'm not happy. I'm scared and worried. I almost wish I was back the way I was, at least then I didn't know I wasn't happy which is sort of like being happy... I don't know. I'm not good at writing these, I'm sorry, diary.

Himei is sick today. Yesterday Seiki carried her to the nurse's office and she was diagnosed with the flu... I saw her that day, but I don't know if she remembers. She was pretty feverish. She was actually HAPPY to be sick! She kept saying 'It's the flu. I'm okay. It's the flu.'

I hope she's okay. Not just okay physically, but... I don't know. She's always a little scattershot... one day worried, another day depressed, then happy in her own way and then apathetic and then... she's just all over the place and I don't know. I can't get a good idea of who she is sometimes, and I want to, I really do want to... especially now that we're both in the same boat.

Great kami, I'm a sailor. I'm in a war! I'm fighting monsters, monsters with knives who want to cut your throat. Why did I do this? I'm in over my head and I can't get out, and now the only person I can really talk to is sick and can't see me! I could talk to HER, but... I don't know. Kami, I just don't know. I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW I DON'T

I was really panicking last time I wrote... a day has passed. No monsters. Himei's still sick. Shin keeps trying to talk to me...

And so, I've been talking to her. I think that helps. I haven't really talked a lot about my worries... I'm not ready for that. But I talked about ordinary stuff, like the weather, TV shows and school. Shin is really cynical, really pessimistic, but in a weirdly unique way that's not really depressing. It's just kinda strange. She's a lot like the babysitter I had when-- whatever it is, it helped... I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I calmed down.

So now I'm calm enough to think about why I became a sailor, and I want to write it down because writing stuff down helps me get it all figured out.

The Yamiko based on me told me I hated myself. That I thought I was useless. I still remember exactly how she said it... "Glorified dressing window mannequin"... "No purpose other than to consume, look good, and fit in"... "It doesn't even make you happy, it just makes you think you're happy."

She was right. I was just like that. A selfish little girl who cared more about being popular than anything else. I didn't care what I had to do to be popular, I did it. And I thought it made me happy. I thought wrong! I read the last entry where I said I wanted to go back to being that way... no. Maybe I'm not happy now, I'm scared, but I'd rather be scared than be sad without realizing I'm sad. Never again! I wanna be awake!

I almost woke up once before then. That's how the Yamiko knew all this; it was born that day, and slept inside me in denial since then...

Okay, one night my parents wanted to go to the movies. Was I eight? I think I was. I wasn't friends with Emi yet but I was friends with someone a lot like her. (I always sought out those people... people to tell me what to do, to tell me how to be liked.) So they went to the movies and left me with a babysitter, some high school student.

She was a lot like Shin. She didn't really care for baby-sitting and didn't like kids, and spent the time watching the news and doing her homework. I was bored, and she was there to entertain me, I had reasoned. I tried to get her to change channels.

After enough pestering, she agreed and I tuned over to MTV Japan. They were interviewing... I forget who, some pop idol. Basic fluffy questions about her likes and dislikes and boys and what music means to her.

I remember telling my babysitter how much I admired the idol and I wanted to be just like her. The babysitter nodded and ignored me, so I kept going on about how this idol's music was so great and she meant a lot to me, and how I wanted to be a popular singer when I grew up because they led such terrific lives...

My babysitter threw down her pencil in frustration and went off on a tirade. I wish I remembered the exact words but I'll try to write it down like I remember. Maybe I'm adding in something I thought of after the fact or mixing in some of Shin's stuff, I don't know... I'll just write it.

"You admire her? What's to admire? She's been popular for three weeks. She has one song, not even an album, a song that's being pushed to the moon by a music company that wants to make money, use her up, and spit her out. She's a cardboard cutout. She's a dressing doll and you'll forget her in a month. All she has to do is look pretty, be popular, and sell albums. If she died tomorrow, maybe a few people who never even met her in person will cry for a day and then they'll move on to the next pop idol. She's done nothing! Has her music done anything for people? Does it feed the hungry, does it stop people from killing each other? Does it even inspire anybody to make the world a better place? Does it do ANYTHING except make her rich? No. You want to be like her? Be told by producers how to dress, how to act, what to say until they get bored with you? Fine. Whatever, kid. Lord knows they'll always need more disposable dolls. Now leave me alone and go to bed."

I ran away crying and went to bed. I didn't understand all she said at the time but I felt what she meant... and it felt like I was useless, too. I had a nightmare that I'd died and nobody cared, not even my friends, because I wasn't really their friend and I wasn't important.

The next day I woke up and decided she had to be wrong, and I'd prove her wrong by being a pop idol or something and being really popular and loved by everybody. I'd do anything it took to be liked.

But I guess it stuck with me, because it no matter how hard I worked to claw my way up the social ladder and be liked, it popped out in the Yamiko. And it hated me. It had a reason to.

The difference between me and the Yamiko, though, wasn't just one wanting to be popular and the other not. The Yamiko wanted me dead... myself wanting to kill myself.

I don't want to kill myself. You know why? Because it's popular.

That's something Shin was talking with me about. (Well.. talking TO me. She tends to rant when she gets passionate about something, then you just gotta listen. It's like a speeding truck!) She says that the statistics on teenage suicide are higher than the police like to report. Even little kids kill themselves! And it's all because of bullying at school, or people making fun of them, or just not fitting in. A girl tried to have herself be run over by a train only a week or so ago!

After all, if you kill yourself, people will notice you. Maybe they won't forget about you after you die, because it's so dramatic, it's so tragic. It's like Shakespeare or something, or a shoujo drama.

The Yamiko wanted to go out in a splashy way. Reject my friends, reject everything, call out everything I hated and then end my life. It would have been talked about. Maybe it would've been useful and would've woken other people up...

Of course, I'd be dead.

And I don't want to be dead. Yes, I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm in over my head. But I want to live! I want to be happy! I fought so hard to get out of my fake happiness, and I'm still nervous and I don't know what to do without it, but I want to be happy and I want to live!

I wish Himei wasn't sick. I want to talk to her. I've phoned her a few times but I can't do it, I can't talk about this over a phone. I want to see her. I want her to tell me it'll all be okay... of course, she won't. She'll likely think nothing's going to be okay. Shin already says nothing is okay, that's just how she is. But I want things to be okay and I'll fight if I have to so I can be happy. Truly happy.

It's late at night, and Himei's still sick. She's getting better, I heard, but she's not ready to fight monsters yet.

What if a Yamiko attacks? It's been quiet since she got the flu. But if one hits, it's just us. No Himei. I could be killed... that one at the video store, with the knife at my throat. I thought I was going to die! I thought, 'What have I done? Why did I become a sailor?'.

A thought occurred to me just now so let me write it down so I can figure it out. I was at knifepoint. But if I wasn't there, Himei might have been at knifepoint, and nobody would have saved her. She'd be dead. She's too good to be caught like I was, of course, but it could have happened.

Dusty told me Himei can't do this alone. She was ready to die in battle if I hadn't saved her that first night! I saved her. That's good.

That means I'm not useless. If I wasn't around she'd be dead. I am around so she's not. I did a good thing, right? I kinda made the world a better place by becoming a sailor. That's why I did it... well, a part of why I did it. So I could be important and not just feel important. I'm doing things that help other people who need help. I'm not a pop idol.

But the other part of the reason: Himei.

She's my best friend, and I want to help her. She has to survive this. I wrote last time that I don't want to die, and I don't -- but I don't want her to die either. Nobody has to die...

I think I would die if it saved her.

I see that all the time in movies. It's very noble and very good to sacrifice yourself for someone else and I can SAY that now, without fear, but when faced with it... can I do it? Can

I think I could. If I had to. I don't wanna die but if I had to... I'd do it on first impulse if it meant saving Himei's life I'd

Oh, kami, I don't want to think about that! No. That won't happen. I don't want to think about that!

I'll just think that I'll do anything to make her happy. If anybody deserves to be happy, it's her because she's never really been happy until.. maybe she isn't really happy now but she's happIER and she deserves to be happy. I want to help her, to be her friend. Not the empty fashion club kind of friendship but a real friend, where I REALLY care about her so much and I want her to be happy... someone who matters in your life, someone who matters to you.

I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe I shouldn't keep this diary. It's just confusing me. Himei will be well soon and I can talk to her then... or even just be around her. That'll help a lot. Maybe I'll write again. I don't know.

back to

sailor nothing copyright 2000 stefan gagne
unauthorized use prohibited