Copyright 2000, Stefan Gagne

I am a bad person.

At the very least, I am a person who is doing very badly. A bad person in a bad situation, doing badly at trying not to do things very badly. It's hard to say in the same way it's hard to say. I don't know. I can't tell anymore. And the dreams are just getting worse and worse.

I almost... no. I wish I was back to the way I was before when my dreams were distilled nightmare memories of things that have happened to me. I'd dream and I'd dream like a VCR; pop in a tape, play back a horrible episode from my life, wake up. But it was always stuff I had dealt with, things I had gone through and finished. Now it's new stuff, new horrible stuff I don't know what to do with and every night I go to bed, it keeps getting worse and worse and

I can't tell Dusty, he'll worry more when there's nothing he can do about it. I really shouldn't tell Aki, she worries enough for three people and I think she's having problems of her own. I could tell... no. Not her. I won't trust her.

Fortunately, the dreams go away when I wake up. Then reality sets in and reality is mundane compared to them, even when I'm fighting evil monsters. I'll only really start to be concerned when I wake up and the dream is still going...

The night I learned the truth about Magnificent Kamen was one of the worst dreams of all, because it confirmed I was a bad person.

I dreamed I was a good person. I was Shoutan Himei, perfectly normal girl.

I had just gotten out of my anime circle meeting. I had traded with another group to get a set of rare cards for Magical Princess Sailor Rose Wand: Ultimate Super Card Fighting Beautiful Clash; now I had a full set of the 'bad guy' cards. All of the dark generals and even a few of the once an episode monsters that Sailor Rose Wand fought. All the others in the circle were really impressed at my collecting skills, and after we had parfaits and traded the latest jokes, the captain of the circle gave me a rare Kawaiiko button to put on my backpack.

I was walking home that night (the meeting had run long) wondering about the math homework that was due tomorrow. I had finished it ahead of time, but I wasn't sure if I got it all right, since I was too busy daydreaming about my last date with Seiki. We had gone to a romantic comedy martial arts science fiction film. We had our first kiss! I was so embarrassed! But it was a dark theater, and I think he did it there because he knew I'd be too embarrassed if others saw it. When I looked at him in surprise he gave me this little knowing smile... it was so nice...

It was so nice that I might've forgotten to carry a few twos. No problem, though, since I had another hour or so before mother insisted I get to sleep. Still, I should probably hurry home...

Hands grabbed me while I was walking and pulled me into an alley, and then the old businessman Yamiko who I fought the night I split with Magnificent Kamen hurt me really badly. It was all a blur of pain, noise, and light. And I was killed, and tossed in the dumpster, just like the girl who I saw which made me go crazy and tear the guy apart without any sort of special attack, and when Sailor Salvation showed up to fight the Yamiko I was already dead but Sailor Salvation was a Yamiko anyway and was cold-hearted and didn't care about anything and--

And I wish I could say I woke up, but I didn't. It just kept getting worse after that.

I remembered myself again as Shoutan Himei, the perfectly normal girl who did not meet Magnificent Kamen that night at the playground and managed to live a perfectly normal and happy life... until I was horribly killed, or molested, or tortured or whatever by the various Yamiko I had defeated as Sailor Salvation. And Sailor Salvation stopped being Sailor Salvation and started being Sailor Nothing...

I could see Sailor Nothing from the outside now. Cold... so horribly cold. Uncaring, unfeeling. Her skin was like unbreakable glass; you could see through her, see the emptiness inside, but you could never get inside because nothing ever got inside her. Nothing got to her. She fought and killed with ruthless efficiency, like a machine with a start and a stop button and nothing else. Every time I died she came to my 'rescue', slaughtered the evil and left. Left with Magnificent Kamen, the one who made her what she was. She was a bad person made bad by an even worse person and she was me and I was hurt every time I saw her.

Sailor Nothing was a Yamiko. Just like Magnificent Kamen was a Yamiko. Maybe they both fought against other Yamiko, maybe they were saving the world... but they're both monsters. They're both horrible things that should never have been. They do terrible things, they kill and they burn and they hurt and feel nothing, no remorse, no pain, no sorrow. And I was becoming them.

There were three of me, then, in the dream. There wasn't a plot, no location, just an angle on a situation. On one hand stood Sailor Nothing, a creature of black glass, a machine heroine with no soul. On the other hand stood Shoutan Himei, perfectly normal and kind girl who never had to experience the agony and pain I had to experience.

Then there was me. I wasn't either of them. I wasn't the ordinary girl who had no worries, because that was taken from me by Magnificent Kamen. I wasn't the beastlike machine Sailor Nothing because I didn't want to be like Magnificent Kamen... but that wasn't avoidable. My power, given to me by a Yamiko to fight Yamiko, is a bad thing. And that makes me a bad person. That makes me Sailor Nothing, and I don't have a choice, I can only be one and I can (could? will?) never be the other.

But I don't have a choice, do I?

Yes, I do. I can kill myself. He told me that. He said it was merciful. Maybe it is. I don't know. I'm going to turn into a monster just like him, I think. I already am, I can't feel anything...

And now in the dream I am Sailor Nothing and I am killing and killing and killing and there's nothing. No sound, no pain, no thought. All I have are my eyes, so that I know where to point my inner nothingness, where to attack.

And now in the dream I am Shoutan Himei and I am screaming and crying and wishing it was all over, because I never wanted this and I never deserved it. All I have is my pain and my wish to turn back the clock so I could be normal again.

And now in the dream I am Magnificent Kamen and I am silencing and purging and being totally disgusted with the world around me, as everything is beneath me and must be cleansed for I am a good man even if I am a Yamiko and I have a righteous cause.

It's only a dream but I can't wake up and it's just getting worse and worse every night.

Then I woke up. Wake up. Whatever.

My first instinct is always to kill myself. Dad uses a straight razor. I've estimated that it would take me maybe forty seconds to run as fast as I can from my bed to their bathroom, grab it from the medicine cabinet and cut my wrists. Magnificent Kamen told me that was the only way to stop it...

...and that's why I have to force myself to stay in bed an extra minute each morning until the feeling passes.

Because no matter how bad the dream is, no matter how horrible I feel, I want to live. I told Magnificent Kamen that I have something to live for now. It's a fragile thing and I have to keep reminding myself of it, but it's a true thing. I have to believe in it and not have doubts, because once I start doubting, that urge to finally escape might rise. I have to believe that even if I may be a bad person, I have something to live for which is Good.

I have to know, not just think, that happiness is possible. That I have something to live for other than the war. My new friends. My will to survive this. The slim hope that I can find another way out...

Then I get changed, brush my teeth and go to school.

Every night and every morning.

... ... ... ...

Now, I'm dreaming about Seiki.

The dream starts normally, which is a relief. It's just a memory reel of that day's events at school, specifically, my encounter with him. My second encounter with him.

I was cold today, but the weatherman said it was supposed to be warm. I wore my jacket to school and that didn't cut through the cold, either. This might mean Sailor Nothing is bleeding into Shoutan Himei's life; Sailor Nothing is always cold, and feels nothing.

For my first three classes that morning I could barely pay attention to the teacher, because I was so far away. Every time I shivered or coughed, I was afraid of Sailor Nothing overtaking me. When I nodded off at my desk I wasn't sure if I'd ever wake up. Maybe I was turning into a Yamiko. Maybe I was going to die...

Lunchtime came and rather than visit Aki in the lunchroom, I went to my tree behind the school and kept worrying. When I ate my bento I felt sick, and my hands were clammy. How much of this was real and what was just a side effect of my fear? How could I possibly tell when I barely understood what was going on with myself half the time?--

Then Seiki showed up. He was just walking by on his way to the field.

"Hey! Himei, got a moment?" he asked. "Listen, sorry about the other day, I got pulled away on team business. Don't worry, I don't need to find Aki anymore; Kotashi told me everything's fine now for some reason, and... Himei?"

I opened my mouth to speak but only a dry rattle came out. This was it. I was going to lose myself. I had dreamed of it and now it was going to happen...

Seiki crouched down to get a better look at me. "Himei, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost! You're all pale and sweaty... are you sick?"

Sick?

"Sick?" I asked.

Then he touched me.

He put his hand against my forehead, checking my temperature, but it was still the first time a boy had touched me that I could remember for a very long time.

"That's definitely a fever," he said. "You really oughtta get to the nurse's office. Do you need a hand getting there?"

I couldn't think of what to say, so he assumed I needed help. The rest was a blur, but one thing at least got through the haze... a severe flu. The nurse told Seiki I had the flu, probably from staying out in the cold last night, and that I'd have to go home. Seiki smiled at me and told me to get well soon.

I wasn't going to die, and I wasn't turning into a Yamiko. When I heard that it was just an ordinary medical problem I felt so much better; the coldness went away (although now I felt hot) and I felt very light, light like air. The smile was very nice.

So, I went home. Aki called me on her cellphone to ask how I was and I actually was very upbeat when I told her I had the flu. Shin suggested some crazy home remedy that I politely passed on. And I felt happy to be sick. Just sick. Nothing else. Seiki said I'd get well soon and everything would be okay, but I was very tired and decided to sleep.

... ... ...

Big mistake.

If dreams were bad, fever dreams were even worse.

Did I just come around to where I was when I started this story? I think I did, but so did the dream. That part of the dream ended with me going to sleep all happy and comfortable at home. The next part opened with Seiki and I in the movie theater.

It was just like the previous night when I imagined the ordinary life I never had, but I couldn't tell from inside the dream. All I knew was that the warm, comfortable feeling was still there, as Seiki held my hand and we watched the romantic comedy martial arts science fiction movie. Then, at that magical moment, he turned to me...

And he kissed me.

He grabbed my head and forced a kiss on me. It was uncomfortable, and it got worse when he started biting my lip. I tried to pull away and tell him to stop, but he wouldn't. He just kept pushing. Then I started imagining what Shin told me. And it just got worse.

That night I imagined Seiki as various Yamiko I'd fought. Everybody has a Yamiko potential inside them, and a nice boy like him would have a horrible one, and I kept imagining him doing horrible things to me. Hurting me. I gave him my trust and happiness and he hurt me because he couldn't help it, that's just how people-- how Yamiko are.

Finally, after an avalanche of horrors with Seiki's face hastily pasted on each one, I woke up and had the urge to go kill HIM instead of killing myself. I forced myself to stay in bed a minute to calm down, and think rationally.

I don't kill. Magnificent Kamen kills, because he's evil, he's a Yamiko. Seiki was not a Yamiko. He could become one... but even then, HE wouldn't be one, even if one was copied from him. Seiki was good. Seiki wouldn't hurt me...

Right?

...a stupid thought, anyway. All he did was help a sick girl to the nurse's office. He's a nice guy, he'd do it for anybody, for Aki or Shin or anybody. He'd do it for a guy, too. There wasn't anything behind that and I was silly to try to read into it. I didn't have a reason to worry about being hurt or trusting him because I'd probably never speak to him again. No worry.

I concentrated on my health. I took medicine, rested, watched television. Aki and Shin came over now and then. No Yamiko popped up during those days; maybe the Dark Generals were on vacation.

Three days later, the fever broke. One day after that I was walking back to school with Aki, and feeling decent enough. Confident about my place in things.

Seiki ran by, as he usually did on his morning run.

This time, he stopped.

He stopped to talk to me.

"Himei! You're doing well again?" he asked, still jogging in place a bit to wind down. "Kotashi mentioned you'd be coming back today 'cause Shin told him..."

I didn't reply. Too surprised. Even Aki was a bit shocked; he hadn't stopped once any other time he passed by us on the way to school. It was always a hearty good morning to two strangers, then on he goes...

"Certainly look better. Not as pale," he commented, jogging to a halt, catching his breath. "You kicked the flu pretty quick, too. That's good."

"Yes, it is," I agreed. I had to have control. I wasn't going to clam up, not again. I wanted to TALK to him this time. I just had to pray I didn't say anything insane that would scare him...

"You know, I used to get hit every time flu season came around too," he explained. "It'd take me out right in the prime of track season, until I figured out the trick: you gotta eat right. If you're healthy before you get whacked with it, you'll do fine. Do you do any dieting or exercise?"

"I get a lot of exercise," I said. "Because I fight evil monsters," I didn't add. Thank goodness I didn't add that! One point for me. Okay. Control is good so far.

"It's a good start. Hey, listen, I was thinking about something lately... I work after school at a pretty good restaurant," he continued. "Le Chapeau. It's not french food, but it's healthy stuff. Would you like to have dinner there sometime? An ounce of prevention, you know..."

Oh, god. What? What to say? Simple. Just be simple and straight.

"Yes," I replied.

"Okay, great! How's tonight for you?"

"I might be busy," I quickly said, images of fighting Yamiko hitting my brain. "But I might not be."

"Great, great. I get off shift at seven, so drop by around then. I'll make sure the old man makes you something good and--" and he caught a glimpse of his watch. "Agh, I'm gonna be late! Later!"

And jogging he went.

Aki wasn't speechless, but she was close to it. It took her a moment to lean in and whisper to me. "Himei, did... did he just ask you out on a--"

"OH!" Seiki called back to us. "Aki, if you wanna come along too, go ahead! And Kotashi-kun can bring Shin if he'd like! See you there!"

Then, he briskly sprinted off. A perfectly normal and happy person... and you know? I was smiling a little too. Just a little.

"He didn't. But we might as well go, unless a Yamiko pops up. It'd be the friendly thing to do, right?" I asked her.

... ...

This is what I mean when I say I have something to live for.

No, it wasn't a storybook romantic encounter. I wasn't swept off my feet, I didn't have my first kiss. It was just a nice guy wanting to do something for a poor girl who was sick. Wanting to make nice with her friends and be a nice guy.

But he was nice to me. He wanted to do something nice for me, whatever the reason.

It's a little thing, but it's a little happiness. I can have a little happiness, can't I? I fight evil, I save the world, I get hurt and I cry and I scream but I can have this one thing. It doesn't make the pain go away but it makes me want to keep going, no matter how much it hurts.

That's why I stay in bed an extra minute. I don't want to lose this. My new friends, and friends to come, and all the things I've found now that I'm off Magnificent Kamen's leash. I'm scared and I don't know what I'm doing but I'm going to do it. I don't want to end it all on an impulse, on a shortsighted desire to get away from my pain. I want to live through this.

I'm a bad person. But I want to be better.

...

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sailor nothing copyright 2000 stefan gagne
unauthorized use prohibited